3 year old breaking down because he doesn’t want to go to nursery

[doesntwanttogoto]

My 3 year old has never absolutely loved going to nursery. He’s been going since he was 18 months. He’s done everything from 3 days a week to 5 days a week. H was OK when he was going regularly. Any holidays or prolonged absences would always throw him off.

he’s recently started at a new preschool nursery and this morning he was an absolute mess. As soon as he woke up he started screaming that he didn’t want to ever go to school again. When asked why ? He just says because he wants to stay at home with mummy.

I had to dress him while he was just jumping and crying and screaming and taking his clothes back off. He was having a huge tantrum and just wasn’t having any of it.

I have never seen him like this before and I’m quite concerned. I think I did the right thing in just getting him there, as otherwise he may expect if he behaves like that- I will keep him at home.

but I feel pretty bad and sad for him. I’ve never seen him act like that.

please tell me you would have done the same thing ? I feel like such a monster.

I wouldn't take a child who was this upset and make them go tbh. They're communicating with you that they're not happy for a reason!

There are some awful nursery staff/abuse that goes on, and any emotional behaviours from a child like this would raise alarm bells. As a first step, I'd speak to the nursery, if he continues to be so upset I'd move him to a childminder.

FYI - my daughter is so happy at her childminders that she cheers everyday I tell her we're going. If your son was happy in that setting, I think you'd know from his behaviour

This isn’t helpful. Not every child who has a phase of crying about nursery is being abused. Plus if you have to work you can’t just stop going.

I wouldn't presume they are being abused just because they cry. Funny you suggest childminders because I have seen enough that makes me avoid using one. Even today I saw a childminder more bothered to be on her phone than the five toddlers that were obviously too much for her to handle.

The OP clearly states she works. So if she gives in at every turn she would never work, and the child would never learn that nursery is the beginning of life, school and so on! Sometimes it's cruel to be kind, is what it is!

I think there should be cctv in nurseries and care homes

Lots of care homes and nurseries DO have cctv!

Do you mean cctv in childcare that parents can access at will? That would never happen, for many good reasons.

I also don’t know why childminders are given saint like status on mumsnet! I’m sure there are lots of good ones, but as a nanny, the childminders I see at playgroups aren’t doing their jobs well at all. They usually all sit together and chat, the kids roam and do what they want, often with nappies that desperately need changing. I found one of their toddlers in the foyer of the church hall today and had to return him and no one even knew he wasn’t in the main room. He couldn’t have got out of the doors on to the street but still, he was just sitting on his own completely unsupervised and she hadn’t even realised.

Ok that is good to know.

Can he go back to the nursery he was settled at? Mine never settled at preschool so we just kept her at nursery where she was used to going.

I actually did get a reply to my email. I just expected a bit more information about his day when I picked him up.

they could have said : ‘ Jonny seemed tired but he really enjoyed music and was dancing ‘ ‘ Jonny really enjoyed playing outside today ‘…

it doesn’t take much. This is also a private school, which costs an arm and a leg and I have two kids there so yeah, I do expect a bit of information. In fact my daughter’s teacher gives me more information about how my son is doing and she doesn’t even teach him. She spoke to me at length about him yesterday and he’s not even in her class !

That's daft.
You cannot reward poor behaviour.
Children have to adapt to change.
Or you could just matyr yourself and make one's child into a spoilt brat by capitualting. But I know which child is likely to be the nicer as an adult

Maybe you should try the local state schools then. This now just comes across an entitled by stating it's a private school so you expect more.

I would really discourage using swimming or a park trip as a reward- these things should form part of a normal healthy childhood. Long time ago now but my DS was so much worse if he didn't get time running about outside withdrawing that would have been a massive own goal. Screen time is a much better lever.

Well personally I have a nanny and a childminder because it allows me to personally vet them, find a good one and know exactly who is caring for my child.

There are bad nannies, bad childminders, bad preschools and bad nurseries. But all the research shows that bad group care (nurseries, preschools etc) is more common.

Our youngest developed selective mutism at the same nursery their older siblings enjoyed. I wish I hadn’t left it so long to move them to a new nursery.

@FanofLeaves I agree which is why mine will never go to childminders.

I'd try and ride it out tbh, including the after school club because he's got a long school road ahead of him and quitting now would, imo, be a bad move for both of you. Does he have things to look forward to when you're together? Explain to him that you're not sitting around enjoying yourself when he's not there but working hard so he knows he's not missing out on anything. My son went through a similar at 4 (no preschool in the 80's in our area) and after 2 days he thought he could jack it in and stay home and do fun things with mummy - when I told him this was it for 14 years he went very very quiet! I know it seems sad but he'll adapt - does having an older sibling in the system help? Good luck.

@doesntwanttogoto My 3 yo has started complaining too when he moved to the preschool room. We've changed to a nursery school since, but he's still reluctant to go, although he is happy once there.

We have a childminder for wraparound care and he loves going to her place. The days she does the drop off, it's a lot easier for everyone. Part of it is we - the parents - aren't there, but also the separation happens a lot earlier (we drop them off at the childminder at 7:30), and I find that the more time he spends at home in the morning, the harder it is for him to leave.

Not sure if it could be an option for you, but if you have some flex in your work hours, you could actually start earlier, get a childminder to do the morning drop off, and have more time in the afternoon by finishing earlier for pickup.

It's not poor behaviour, it's raw emotional upset. They're quite different.

You could just ignore your child's upset, write it off as poor behaviour, force them to suck it up and make one's child into an emotional wreck by never listening. But I know which child is likely to be happier and more emotionally balanced as an adult.

Pressure can crush you, it also forms diamonds.