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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not forgive DH's family for NC with our children for 2 years

91 replies

South1 · 04/05/2025 21:09

There is, of course, a complex back story, but I don't want to write a very long opening post, so I'll try to keep things concise.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, with 3 DC. His mother and sisters have been problematic throughout, overstepping boundaries, being manipulative, and emotionally abusive. MIL put me through an enormous amount of stress and anxiety when DC1 was born. She is childlike in her emotional maturity and uses the silent treatment (for weeks, months or years if necessary) to try and get her way.

A few years ago, FIL died. He was the peacekeeper and tried to reconcile family issues when he could—he was sent in as MIL's flying monkey numerous times. Two years ago, DH argued with MIL. The underlying theme of the row was that MIL often causes problems in our family by trying to create divisions amongst our children, making special occasions about her, or giving DH the silent treatment for long periods—just generally manipulative and petty behaviour.

After this particular argument, MIL, SILs, and DH's cousin have completely cut contact with us, save for Happy Birthday text messages to our children. They refuse to talk about it (I have tried with MIL and SILs) and there seems to be no end in sight.

DH tells me MIL will give him the silent treatment for years, and he thinks this is the end of their relationship. I am so angry with them. Not at first, but so much time has now passed, and they have missed almost a year and a half of the children's lives. They have caused so much damage - our children are hurt. They have been dropped by their grandmother and the rest of DH's family because MIL can't bring herself to try to repair things with DH. She won't even answer the phone to him. Our eldest child had a significant birthday last week, and MIL didn't acknowledge it other than a stupid text - Love you so much, Miss you! ... Then why have you cut them out of your life?!

For context, our children are the only grandchildren, and throughout their lives, MIL has maintained that they are the centre of her world.

I don't know what to do with my anger and confusion. How can our children be so hurt by their grandmother and aunts? I can't forgive them and want to tell them they have ruined everything. I think MIL is under the mistaken impression that she can waltz back into their lives once she feels she has sufficiently punished DH with the silent treatment.

OP posts:
zaxxon · 04/05/2025 21:12

That's awful, I'm so sorry, and don't blame you at all for feeling that way

Mum2jenny · 04/05/2025 21:13

Just be totally unavailable when she decides they want contact. Grey rock them all.

NeedSomeComfy · 04/05/2025 21:14

They sound awful. I don't understand you statement on not being able to forgive them though. Why do you think you need to forgive them? You are NC and will be for the foreseeable future. They are no longer a part of your lives and, as painful as that is for your children, if they are as manipulative and difficult as you say that may be for the best in the long run.

RandomMess · 04/05/2025 21:15

Will your DH forgive and let
them back in?

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2025 21:15

They have cut contact. Id tempted to get the kids all new mobile numbers. Forget about them and move on

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 04/05/2025 21:15

Mil refused to acknowledge her dgc..
We went nc and she weeped /emailed /rang everyone and anyone that we had taken df away from her..
We moved.. Blocked her. And got on with our lives..
Not heard a peep for over a decade..
Very liberating... Take away the power she thinks she has and stop giving a fuck.
Dh said he was never as happy as the day he decided to cut her from his life..

Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:24

I'll be unavailable, but our children will no doubt be contacted directly as it dawns on MIL that she is out of chances with DH. I hate that this will result in hurt and drama at some point in the future, and that MIL will involve our DC who should never be exposed to this.

OP posts:
unicornpower · 04/05/2025 21:26

It’s horrendous I’m sorry! My DH dad has been NC with us since 2020 and has never met our children. It baffles me how a grandparent can just be okay with that. I’m furious and I would love to go ballistic and give him a piece of my mind, but I can’t be bothered, it would hurt me and my children more than it would him. but I feel your pain totally

Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:28

@NeedSomeComfy I don't want to carry the anger around. And the ticking time bomb is difficult to live with (MIL will realise at some point she wants contact with her GC).

OP posts:
Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:31

@unicornpower Your post is exactly how I feel. It baffles me too. I think they are too wrapped up in thier own world to care.

OP posts:
Carpetty · 04/05/2025 21:33

You should block her number on your childrens phones and bd protecting them from this.

You would be completely unreasonable to ever allow her back into their lives.

Cynic17 · 04/05/2025 21:36

OP, why on earth would you want your children to have contact with people you dislike? Sounds as if ever is much better off 8h this situation.

Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:38

I have thought about explaining to them that they are putting DC in the middle of an unhealthy dynamic and should not contact them on their phones. If they could post cards on special occasions, DC would not feel uncomfortable or conflicted about needing to respond to their text messages.

OP posts:
Candlesandmatches · 04/05/2025 21:38

Good Therapy can really help with this. And also to establish boundaries and scenarios when she does re-establish contact.

sweetpeaorchestra · 04/05/2025 21:39

I don’t think your children are missing out, I would use this as an opportunity to completely break ties with them

PassingStranger · 04/05/2025 21:41

Good riddance, why do you want to ppl like that in your life?

Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:41

@Candlesandmatches Because she will re-establish contact at some point. I know it's coming. Difficult to offer an explanation to DC that doesn't leave them feeling hurt or as though they have done something wrong. It doesn't help that DH is not even 100% sure why MIL and the rest of the family have cut contact. MIL has been dishonest in the past about things we are supposed to have done and I imagine she has embellished things to bring the family on side with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:43

We do not want them in our lives, but I feel so much anger towards them for hurting our children and don't want to carry that around anymore.

OP posts:
Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 04/05/2025 21:46

Delete and block them from dc's phones if they are under 18...
They will use /manipulate /abuse your dc via phone if they can't get to you or dh..protect your dc here op.

PenguinLover24 · 04/05/2025 21:47

Are you me? I could have written this myself!

Chungai · 04/05/2025 21:48

This is so hurtful but you are living in anxiety that she might get back in touch. She sounds like a covert narcissist.

Take the power away from her. Set your own boundaries now on what you will or won't do if she does try to get in touch. Put in place what you need to. Get ahead of it happening. You cannot control her behaviour but you can control your reaction to it.

Get some good therapy to process the hurt and abandonment.

Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:55

I'm reluctant to block their numbers from our teens' phones. Our children have good memories of family gatherings (we have always sought to protect them from the unhealthy dynamics), and our DC could blame DH and I in the future for not allowing a relationship. It's a difficult one to navigate.

OP posts:
Original poster
South1 · 04/05/2025 21:57

The tricky part is not planning how we will react when they try to re-establish contact but how to manage their manipulation of our children in the future.

OP posts:
Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 04/05/2025 22:00

Your dc rely on you to make important decisions on their behalf for their benefit... There is zero benefit having such batshit people in their lives...

mindutopia · 04/05/2025 22:01

They are doing you a huge favour. It sounds like the absolute best thing for your children that there is no relationship there. Be grateful they have been protected from all this drama and continue to protect them in the future. I am NC with my family. My children had NC with them for several years before I fully went NC. This drama continues to roll through families until someone puts a stop to it.

Support your Dh in keeping them away from your children so they don’t carry on this shitty legacy. No child is going to care that they missed out on tenuous relationships with extended family. I have never looked back on my childhood and wished my parents had forced any of my bonkers aunts and uncles and grandad on me. I actually barely remember they ever existed as an adult. It sounds like your people pleasing tendencies are not going to help your dc in the long run.