To not forgive DH's family for NC with our children for 2 years

[South1]

There is, of course, a complex back story, but I don't want to write a very long opening post, so I'll try to keep things concise.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, with 3 DC. His mother and sisters have been problematic throughout, overstepping boundaries, being manipulative, and emotionally abusive. MIL put me through an enormous amount of stress and anxiety when DC1 was born. She is childlike in her emotional maturity and uses the silent treatment (for weeks, months or years if necessary) to try and get her way.

A few years ago, FIL died. He was the peacekeeper and tried to reconcile family issues when he could—he was sent in as MIL's flying monkey numerous times. Two years ago, DH argued with MIL. The underlying theme of the row was that MIL often causes problems in our family by trying to create divisions amongst our children, making special occasions about her, or giving DH the silent treatment for long periods—just generally manipulative and petty behaviour.

After this particular argument, MIL, SILs, and DH's cousin have completely cut contact with us, save for Happy Birthday text messages to our children. They refuse to talk about it (I have tried with MIL and SILs) and there seems to be no end in sight.

DH tells me MIL will give him the silent treatment for years, and he thinks this is the end of their relationship. I am so angry with them. Not at first, but so much time has now passed, and they have missed almost a year and a half of the children's lives. They have caused so much damage - our children are hurt. They have been dropped by their grandmother and the rest of DH's family because MIL can't bring herself to try to repair things with DH. She won't even answer the phone to him. Our eldest child had a significant birthday last week, and MIL didn't acknowledge it other than a stupid text - Love you so much, Miss you! ... Then why have you cut them out of your life?!

For context, our children are the only grandchildren, and throughout their lives, MIL has maintained that they are the centre of her world.

I don't know what to do with my anger and confusion. How can our children be so hurt by their grandmother and aunts? I can't forgive them and want to tell them they have ruined everything. I think MIL is under the mistaken impression that she can waltz back into their lives once she feels she has sufficiently punished DH with the silent treatment.

Honestly this is much easier than you think. DC aren’t daft. They understand people- they will have flaky friends and mean kids.

All you do is say,
it’s really sad but Granny isn’t great at relationships. She tends to fall out with people. She gets angry when people disagree with her or won’t do what she says. Sadly she’s fallen out with your dad at the moment. That’s why we haven’t seen her for ages.

They can understand that.
They can deal with it.
They can decide whether to answer when she gets back in touch.

As long as they know that she’s unreliable and flaky and - most importantly- if things go wrong it’s not them it’s her.

@myplace Thank you. You're right - the most important thing is them realising it's her, not them.

I do dislike the false, excessive love bomb text messages, though. DC take them at their word when they text phrases like, "I miss you SO much!".

If you’re children are old enough to have a mobile phone, I would suggest that they are old enough to be sat down and things explaining about this toxic relationship between mil and your dh. They are more resilient than you think.

after a couple of years no with my grandmother it was incredibly disconcerting to be put back in the middle of family events as if nothing had happened. I was also a teen and I recall those really awkward meetings at the beginning vividly. Unsurprisingly she behaved appallingly at my wedding and I went nc after and never saw her again.

its really important to acknowledge this and prepare them that she will get in touch. Personally I would absolutely not be happy with them having contact if things were not resolved with your dh. How can they ever get back to happy families with such hurt? What if she does it directly to your children.

im in two minds but I wouldn’t shut down the idea of you contacting her and being clear that her communication or lack thereof has created this hurt and she can’t readily come walking back as if nothing has happened. I bet when she does there will be gifts…

your poor children and DH. I think you need a conversation about whether you ever wish contact or if it’s time to say enough is enough and that if she continues with this cycle you will put a stop to it.

@South1 you are the adults and your children are minors. delete and block the mil and sil numbers, emails, whatsapp, facebook, insta and anything else! then get them new numbers so the numbers wont be known to mil and sil. they will get on with their lives peacefully. you need to do this before mil and sil start to get into your childrens' minds and twist things so as to blame you and dh for the fall out!

How old are your DC?

@EquinoxQueen She will expect to walk back in, when it suits her. She is currently playing victim (DH has really hurt her apparently - not sure how) while punishing him with the silent treatment. When she has punished him enough or when she begins to panic about not being allowed back into our lives (whichever comes first), she will attempt to walk back in.

• [Post edited at OP's request to remove sensitive/identifying details]

My youngest DC is 9 and the eldest has just turned 18.

What have you said to them about it so far? Some of my parents’ family relationships were complicated but I’m so glad they explained what was happening to me so I could make my own decisions. One family member when he disappeared from my life I was told “we stopped passing on his presents to you because he didn’t want to actually see you kids he couldn’t be bothered”. At the time I was annoyed with my parents but as I got older I understood that they didn’t want him wandering in and out of our lives as he pleased and leaving us gutted each time.

I would probably say to my kids, once you’re over 16/18 it’s up to you if you want to see and keep in touch with your dad’s family. We find them very hard to deal with because some of them use the silent treatment as a means to try and exert power over us. That’s not cool and it’s an abusive behaviour. Ever since X we haven’t heard from MIL because she’s trying to punish your dad for disagreeing with her. We still love her and it’s ok if you love her too, you can love her and not like how she’s acting.

IMO you want to strike a balance between laying out what you see as the difficulties with DH’s family (so they can look out and be aware of it in future) and being positive about it being absolutely fine for them to maintain a relationship with their grandmother and cousins etc if that’s what they want.

@WitcheryDivine Thank you, sound advice and that's a good script for the kids. I will say that I am not ok with DH's MIL and SIL's maintaining a relationship with our DC independently. It will not be a healthy relationship because I don't think they care much about our DC. It will be a power play to try and exert some control, power or punishment over DH. DC may be used as MIL's flying monkey, too, which is awful. The worst outcome is that MIL decides to pull the silent treatment on DC one day, if she doesn't like something they say or if they don't call or visit her enough.

At this moment, I do not feel much love for MIL. I am remembering the hell she put me through as a new mum and all the trouble she has caused over the years.

My Inlaw has only just restarted contact with my husband after 13 years. We have an amazing 16 year old DD he would not recognise. He is aware she exists. His loss, my only concern about getting into contact again is when they die, I dont want my husband to have any what ifs. I hope this will help him.

You’re doing exactly what your MIL wants you to do.
She wants you to be upset.
She wants you to carry this around every day.
She wants you to lose sleep night after night.
She wants this to affect your day to day life.
She wants your stomach in knots.

You’re carrying around your ML on your back every morning, every evening, every night that you lie in bed and hash this over and over in your mind.
And she weighs a ton, doesn’t she?
Put it - and her - down.
Stop caring about her and her daughters.
Let them go.
Breathe.
They’re their own problem. They aren’t your problem.
Just keep repeating to yourself “put it down,” while you’re lying in bed and doing the dishes and while you’re sorting the laundry or whatever tasks you do during the day.
Let it be your mantra and your promise to yourself: PUT IT DOWN.
And you can talk to your kids about their shitty granny someday. I suspect they already know.
Sending love from across the Atlantic ❤️

please just be honest with your children about all of this.
In a slightly different scenario I didn't see one of my grandmothers until I was in my early 20s, and my mother had never been honest with me about her. This was mainly because my mum just buried her head in the sand about it. Unfortunately she put me in a position where I was then subjected to this woman's narcissistic, manipulation and had to figure it out for myself. Luckily my partner at the time was a really good buffer against her, and I learned to stand up to her.

Ultimately your children can do what they want about this woman when they are adults, but if I had known about my Nan in advance I might have avoided some of the shit she put me through. I certainly would have seen through her much faster.

Can you not contact the sil and ask what the problem is ? Really odd that she’s joining in despite not being part of the fall out ?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know the above is from 12 steps programmes, but actually it’s a very sensible reminder and I find it useful. You can’t change your MIL, all you can control is your own reaction to it. There is no point worrying about when she will come back, you can’t control that. Just decide how you will respond, and go from there.

I also agree entirely with being (age appropriate) honest with your children.

We are nc with my mother the last 4 years. My teens have no desire to see or speak too her again. They are 13, 15 and 17.

I am no contact with MIL the last 7 years. DH is low contact with her. Two youngest are not interested in visiting her. My eldest child had recently started to visit again and I hate it. My DD comes home every week in bad form and relays "stories" of what her grandmother has told her. All lies about me mostly and little passive aggressive comments about our life in general.

I really hate both grandmothers.

How old are your children? If they're teenagers, then sit them down and explain the situation. It's far better to be honest with them. Let them make the decision to block their grandmother and aunts or not. By giving them information, you are allowing them to decide if they want contact with their grandmother if she contacts them. Or if she tries blaming you or your husband, then your children have already been forewarned. I know it's difficult, as you don't want to burden your children with an 'adult situation'. Your children aren't stupid, and as you have said are upset at being discarded by their grandmother, so give them the information, to make a confident, uniformed decision themselves.

SIL's behaviour has been difficult over the years too. She has been far more covert than MIL. I hadn't realised until after FIL died, how much she created division in the family and encouraged MIL's behaviour towards us.

• [Post edited at OP's request to remove sensitive/identifying details]

@Sassybooklover Thanks, we will talk to them all about it. They are aged 9 - 18. Discarded is the word. I didn't see this coming, and still find it hard to believe they have been cast aside.

YANBU.

You’re not wrong in how you’re viewing things. It is a choice ultimately for your MIL to not want to try and patch things up. It’s her choice to have stopped having contact with her grandchildren. I don’t think her sending messages to them saying, “miss you,” is right or fair. Like others have commented I think that’s an attempt to manipulate/hurt your DH in itself sending that.
A big issue is if she’s done it once she can do it again as far as your MIL goes.
There is a big risk letting someone like that back in.

Mindutopia was spot on in saying this drama continues to roll through families until someone puts a stop to it.

I didn’t see my paternal grandparents between the ages of 4-9. They chose to stop contact after falling out with my father for 5 years. My relationship with them was always strained after my father patched things up with them. This wasn’t helped by the fact he tried to pretend the 5 years without contact hadn’t happened! It’s preposterous when I look back he thought I could have ready-made relationships with them when they’d been absent for so long, were only prepared to make a minimal effort and knowing how they’d treated him over the years.

The cycle of toxic relationships continued until my 20s after I’d had some cognitive therapy and realised walking away was better.

We’ve been no contact with MIL for 10 years, ironically she walked away from us after realising my DH had become closer to my parents than her. She thought we’d go chasing after her, begging her to reconsider but she’d been toxic for years and it was a relief! She did write to my parents around 5 years ago saying she regretted walking away but followed it with 3 pages of what a terrible person DH is. The DC know she made a decision not to be in their lives, I wasn’t going to pretend or cover anything for her, they also know if they wanted to make contact we wouldn’t stop them. The older DC were old enough that she could have maintained contact with them separate to us, but she chose not to, there’s not been so much as a birthday card in 10 years.

I wouldn’t be protecting your older teens from her behaviour, they’re old enough to understand she’s not a good person, then if they choose to allow contact to restart, they have all the information to protect themselves.

Even when she gets back in contact and you welcome her, it’s another ticking timebomb til she gets pissed off again and does the same thing to the dcs. They’ll be walking on eggshells around the family, wary of upsetting them again.
Block her from their phones to protect them from this.

Wish I could just detonate that ticking time bomb now and not live with it hanging over us.

She sounds like a total narcissist. If you let her re-establish even very infrequent contact with your DC, you are allowing her to control the situation and she is getting her way, just like she always does. It also makes it more likely she’ll worm her way back into your dh’s life. She needs to learn she can’t treat people like this and expect to be forgiven time and time again. And your family don’t need her toxic presence constantly hanging over you, and allowing her to play her pathetic games. I’d write her an email getting all your anger and frustration you’re carrying around out and dump it all on her. She deserves it. Then let her know not to bother trying to re-establish contact - you’ve been burnt one too many times and she’s done too much damage. Then block her from your dc’s phones and explain to them that she is no longer going to be part of their lives in whatever way is age-appropriate for them. You’ll feel like you’re taking control back. It will benefit them in the long run, as someone coming in and out of a child’s life, especially when the child never knows when they’re going to disappear again, and possibly blaming themselves for her behaviour- is not good for them. She may also start this behaviour with them when they’re older. My step mum was like this. The weight off my shoulders when i decided to cut her out and stopped caring about her opinions, was amazing

You need to talk to your children, as others have said.

You can't influence MiL but you can be honest with your children. It's one of the very greatest gifts you can give them.

You can tell them what's going on. That MiL is angry although she won't tell you why and when she is angry she chooses to walk away. This is how Grandma 'ticks'. All you can do is let her, even though it hurts you. But you can also point out that there are much healthier and better ways of resolving conflict, by talking to the person you're upset with and working it out. All you can do is let her do her thing.

But it's also worth pointing out that nothing is stopping Grandma from coming back. At this point, what she says (loving the grandchildren) and what she does (walk away) don't match.

So you can love Grandma, but you have to be aware that she might walk away and that this is a 'her' problem, not anyone else's. We can't control her, we can only accept that this is what she does and it's a pattern that is repeated.

And honestly, as parents I'd try to keep as low contact as possible. This hot-cold manipulation is so very destructive.