To not forgive DH's family for NC with our children for 2 years

[South1]

There is, of course, a complex back story, but I don't want to write a very long opening post, so I'll try to keep things concise.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, with 3 DC. His mother and sisters have been problematic throughout, overstepping boundaries, being manipulative, and emotionally abusive. MIL put me through an enormous amount of stress and anxiety when DC1 was born. She is childlike in her emotional maturity and uses the silent treatment (for weeks, months or years if necessary) to try and get her way.

A few years ago, FIL died. He was the peacekeeper and tried to reconcile family issues when he could—he was sent in as MIL's flying monkey numerous times. Two years ago, DH argued with MIL. The underlying theme of the row was that MIL often causes problems in our family by trying to create divisions amongst our children, making special occasions about her, or giving DH the silent treatment for long periods—just generally manipulative and petty behaviour.

After this particular argument, MIL, SILs, and DH's cousin have completely cut contact with us, save for Happy Birthday text messages to our children. They refuse to talk about it (I have tried with MIL and SILs) and there seems to be no end in sight.

DH tells me MIL will give him the silent treatment for years, and he thinks this is the end of their relationship. I am so angry with them. Not at first, but so much time has now passed, and they have missed almost a year and a half of the children's lives. They have caused so much damage - our children are hurt. They have been dropped by their grandmother and the rest of DH's family because MIL can't bring herself to try to repair things with DH. She won't even answer the phone to him. Our eldest child had a significant birthday last week, and MIL didn't acknowledge it other than a stupid text - Love you so much, Miss you! ... Then why have you cut them out of your life?!

For context, our children are the only grandchildren, and throughout their lives, MIL has maintained that they are the centre of her world.

I don't know what to do with my anger and confusion. How can our children be so hurt by their grandmother and aunts? I can't forgive them and want to tell them they have ruined everything. I think MIL is under the mistaken impression that she can waltz back into their lives once she feels she has sufficiently punished DH with the silent treatment.

So many great comments on here already, especially love @DreamTheMoors

I do understand how you feel. We're NC with my DH's family. Our children have never met his parents. When our children asked if DH had any parents, we told them a basic version of the truth.

Your children are old enough to be told about toxic relationships and family division etc. You should tell them the truth. You should also suggest to the 18yr old if they want to keep receiving these birthday texts every year or if they'd prefer to block them.

Our children have never asked to see DH's family. They get all the love they need from my side fortunately.

If I were you, I'd block the noise. Honestly, I was like you, this was such a burden on my shoulders and it was destroying my MH. It was only when we went NC and I stopped giving a fuck that I finally got my life back.

Take the power back, you say enough is enough and decide you never want contact with them again. There's no room for toxic people in your lives.

I’d reply from their phone- hi, this is South. I’ve explained to the dc that obviously both love you and miss you are just lies, since you’ve not only made no effort to see them but also cut them off from wider family. I’ve told them as they get older they need to judge adults by their actions, and unfortunately your actions tell them you don’t care you’ve missed years of their childhood by your choice, and don’t really care if you never see them again. They are blocking you on their phone. You can contact us if you want to know about your grandchildren.

and block.

You’ve had good advice from other posters on how to explain the situation to your children.
I agree that you need to be open with them so that they know how to deal with your MIL and SIL.

I’ve had to explain my Dad’s behavior to my children (now 19 and 16) too. He’s had lifelong MH problems and can be extremely unpleasant at times, plus he constantly plays the victim. My children understand not to take it personally and we all let it wash over us.

Ultimately, your MIL and SIL are the people who are missing out on time with your happy family. You don’t need their toxic behavior in your lives, but I bet they miss having all of you in theirs. 💐

You’re upset that they’re hurting your children but the best way to save your children from hurt is to not have people like this in their life. Why would you want any of this in any of their lives going forward?

Personally I would change all of your families phone numbers and block all SIL and MIL as a an extra precaution.

It’s a horrid situation and understandable that you’re upset but you need to let the whole thing go, find your gratitude that they’re not in your lives right now shit stirring and causing chaos, and take control of the situation by ensuring they can’t / don’t do it again.
You’re the parent, you and DH need to protect your kids from future exposure to this toxic mess.

I wouldn’t message first. Anything you do feeds the monster. The best revenge is living well. Release them and their messy entanglements and let them get on with their drama elsewhere.

I think children are quite resilient and also will have picked up on a lot of what was happening before the NC started. I would definitely change their phone numbers so they can’t be contacted. Because if down the line MIL decides she’s going to swan back in your life your dh needs to be free to decide what he wants to do at his own pace. If he doesn’t respond quickly enough the last thing your dc need is contact from their grandma trying to recruit them as flying monkeys.

my relationship with my mother broke down when Dd was about 12yo and we never saw each other again. I explained to Dd in an age appropriate manner what had happened and she was fine about it. We never saw her again and Dd didn’t seem to miss her at all.

You know that they are toxic people who would be a terrible influence on your children. You are the parent and you need to take the very reasonable decision to cut off any possibility of direct contact with your DCs but deleting/blocking their numbers.

Go nc with her she’s obviously a narcissist . Block her number . For everyone’s mental health it’s the best thing to do. I know as I’m speaking from a lifetime of abuse from my narcissistic mother

I certainly wouldn't tell your children that you love MIL and SIL and that MIL and SIL love them. That would be untrue. You obviously don't love them because they are toxic and completely unloveable. Any declarations of love for your children from them are just manipulative and self-serving. Loving parents and grandparents do not behave in this way.

I don’t understand what you want. You don’t like how they are (which sound fair enough) but you’re devastated they aren’t in your children’s lives, but you don’t want them back in their lives but you want to tell them that they are hurting the children not being in their lives but you think they will come back and then you think you want to tell them to get lost?

They have all the power, take it back by refusing to engage with it.

I'd be interested to hear the other side of this story

We talked to the children last year. We kept it simple - DH and MIL had argued and now they are not talking to DH. MIL does not want to talk things over, so there is nothing we can do. Now it’s time to explain the unhealthy dynamics and the fact this has happened many times over the years.

Lots of good advice here, thank you.

This 100%, go NC and stay NC. Explain to your DC that they haven’t done anything wrong but MiL and the others are mentally unstable and they can’t see them again while they are in your care. I am LC with my parents and if I get even so much of a whiff that they are not treating my son in a good way I will be NC. They look after him about once a month and they have a lot of money. The possibility of a chunk of inheritance for my son is the only reason I haven’t cut all ties! Good luck and good riddance to the drama.

Me too! Maybe it's more common than we think?

Don't count on it. Mine never did.

Maybe! Not nice though is it? Our amazing husbands and children being treated this way by their mother and grandmother! My side of the family are the complete opposite so it baffles me!

Totally different approach to conflict on both sides? Yes, my family don't do this sort of thing. My DH is such a lovely man too. She should be proud of him, not doing this.

My family are different too. They talk and have things out when there’s a problem, then everyone moves on.

They would be proud of our DH’s if they were capable of healthy relationships. There’s resentment in DH’s family, towards anyone who manages to escape the co-dependency and builds a happy life.

I didn't meet my paternal family. My grandmother was manipulative, as was her mother before her, and abuse was probably repeated back through the generations. My father went non contact when they tried to exclude his wife from the family. He chose her over them.

He told me he was completely non-contact but we received a Christmas card from his brother after we moved house and a few years later changed the phone number after a lot of silent calls which he attributed to his mother

Even then he was told when his brother died.

His great niece made contact once.

I don't feel I've missed out. I'm in periodic contact with his great niece via FB. She was useful when I invoked dads power of attorney and had to serve notice on his niece and nephew as his closest living relatives. She was able to give me contact details and I had a chat with my cousin.
They're just people. I don't feel I've missed out.

I absolutely would not let your children have "their own" relationship with them until they are really, really mature and equipped enough to do that.

My grandmother was like your MiL. She dragged me and my sister into her petty shit and turned it on us when we were no longer young, controllable children. I grew up with her sending my mum nasty letters, giving silent treatment and playing the victim and then she started doing the same to me.

To families like this, they can't have a healthy relationship with children anyway, because they don't see them as people in their own right but as extensions of their parent. They are tools to be manipulated and exploited for point scoring in their own games.

You seem stressed about MiL "expecting to be let back in" as if you just have to roll over and take that? You don't. And definitely don't do it for the sake of the kids, because it won't benefit them.

Block her number/change your children's phone numbers.
Protect them from her batshittery

We had very similar with FIL.
We didn't see him for 8 years and now do once a year. The only difference is our children don't care as never had any relationship with him they can remember and he is racist and homophobic so they don't respect him anyway.

Obviously your 9 year old doesn't need a phone and if they have one you get total control over who messages on it so block all of the family numbers.

With your 18 year old have a very frank conversation about why you don't see that side of the family and explain it is their choice about what to do but that to be very aware that they will use her to play games and manipulate things. She is an adult and old enough to know this.

This is exactly what we did with our children. Explain contact or not was up to them but make sure they were aware of how she operated. That way if she ever gave them the same treatment, they would hopefully be less affected and know it wasn't because of something they did wrong.

Me too. My ex-MiL was exactly like this. I honestly never knew such spiteful and stubborn people existed until I met her.

I have no advice to give you but I totally understand your anger and sadness about it.

Be honest with your children that she's choosing not to have a relationship with them and that she isn't a good person for behaving that way. You don't want mil and co to get their claws in later and act like it was you and dh's fault or they were stopped from seeing them.

Change the children's phone numbers and block the numbers. Ideally you should move away so you can't be contacted once mil is over her tantrum. I appreciate that may be impractical though.