To not forgive DH's family for NC with our children for 2 years

[South1]

There is, of course, a complex back story, but I don't want to write a very long opening post, so I'll try to keep things concise.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, with 3 DC. His mother and sisters have been problematic throughout, overstepping boundaries, being manipulative, and emotionally abusive. MIL put me through an enormous amount of stress and anxiety when DC1 was born. She is childlike in her emotional maturity and uses the silent treatment (for weeks, months or years if necessary) to try and get her way.

A few years ago, FIL died. He was the peacekeeper and tried to reconcile family issues when he could—he was sent in as MIL's flying monkey numerous times. Two years ago, DH argued with MIL. The underlying theme of the row was that MIL often causes problems in our family by trying to create divisions amongst our children, making special occasions about her, or giving DH the silent treatment for long periods—just generally manipulative and petty behaviour.

After this particular argument, MIL, SILs, and DH's cousin have completely cut contact with us, save for Happy Birthday text messages to our children. They refuse to talk about it (I have tried with MIL and SILs) and there seems to be no end in sight.

DH tells me MIL will give him the silent treatment for years, and he thinks this is the end of their relationship. I am so angry with them. Not at first, but so much time has now passed, and they have missed almost a year and a half of the children's lives. They have caused so much damage - our children are hurt. They have been dropped by their grandmother and the rest of DH's family because MIL can't bring herself to try to repair things with DH. She won't even answer the phone to him. Our eldest child had a significant birthday last week, and MIL didn't acknowledge it other than a stupid text - Love you so much, Miss you! ... Then why have you cut them out of your life?!

For context, our children are the only grandchildren, and throughout their lives, MIL has maintained that they are the centre of her world.

I don't know what to do with my anger and confusion. How can our children be so hurt by their grandmother and aunts? I can't forgive them and want to tell them they have ruined everything. I think MIL is under the mistaken impression that she can waltz back into their lives once she feels she has sufficiently punished DH with the silent treatment.

OP, well done.

Also tell the children that adult relationships are sometimes hard to understand and that it is ok for them not to understand. That you and dad love them very much and are making the best decisions in their best interests. That you cannot change Granny and her unkind behaviour, but you can stop it upsetting your family by not being involved any longer.

As others have said take control, drop that rope.

You will bitterly regret allowing that woman take years of your peace when your children were young.

You will be annoyed with yourself.
Take control and let it go.

Invariably when people like her die, you will feel nothing but relief.

I appreciate that its sad the DC don't have more family in their lives but why the Hell would you want these people to have a relationship with them?
They are doing you a favour and you should take your cue from your DH and forget they exist

I think the other thing I’d want to say is that when people behave this way we can also think about what that behaviour says about them and reinforce the idea that we don’t just have to sit around and wait for people to deign to speak to us, we can make decisions for ourselves about whether/how much time we might want to spend with them in the future knowing this is something they’ve done.

I’d hate them to accept silent treatment in other relationships having learnt that you just have to wait patiently for the person to decide they like you again.

You can’t let sentimentality stop you from protecting your children.

She will 💯 continue the silent treatment to your grandchildren.

I know this from personal experience, my sister does this to her siblings and her nieces and nephews as well now.

It’s horrible, my family have never ever bothered with DS, he goes on holiday with ex‘s family but rarely gets a look in otherwise, their daughter, ex’s younger sister rules the roost. I take the attitude of fuck them and shower DS with love as does ex and we spend our precious time with our good friends. DS is a happy adored little boy surrounded by people who care. Fuck family, blood isn’t thicker than water in my opinion.

i would engage a third party as a go between, extend an olive branch

I'm sure how: he stood up to her. That's it. That's how it is with her type; anyone says no to them or confronts them with their own crappy actions and it's the Poor Little Mistreated Me act.

If the dc are old enough to have phones, they're old enough to hear the whole truth about her behaviour over the years, including how she upset you at the time of DC1's birth. Tell them.

When they are 18+ they'll decide for themselves who they want a relationship with; that's 100% up to them, and you can't control it. But they'll probably soon figure out for themselves what she really is, and not be bothered. Until then, just go on role-modelling a sensible reaction to her nonsense (i.e. showing that you don't have to have a relationship with someone who treats you like crap, and you don't have to cave because someone's using childish manipulation techniques). As they get older and show they have minds of their own, the clash will come at some point - she'll try to control or boss them, they'll tell her to get knotted, she'll react like a loon, and they'll see her true colours. I know you want to shield them from her hurtful behaviour, but it could be that a dose of her "silent treatment" will be what prompts them to decide they don't need the manipulative old cow, block her number and get on with their lives. Tell them the truth now, tell them they should feel free to block granny if they want, and let the cards fall where they may. It may play out in three different ways with the three kids; there's no knowing. It's sad for them, but they'll get over it. Having good parents is what matters.

There’s resentment in DH’s family, towards anyone who manages to escape the co-dependency and builds a happy life.

@South1 Yes, it’s mystifying to me how parents can feel this way towards their adult children-instead of being happy for them when they succeed in life, they seem resentful and jealous! It makes no sense at all. I can’t imagine being jealous of my children.

@BruFord I am mystified too! Envy and resentment plays a part possibly. They have made odd comparisons or comments in the past, like MIL should have had a house like ours; SIL should have had the first grandchild, that sort of thing.

@Elsvieta Yes, pure rage when I’ve stood up to her in the past. When I say stand up to her, I mean I’ve not agreed to something or told her about the consequences of her behaviour. She gets almost hysterical and loses control of herself - the mask slips. That’s interesting about DH and her reaction to their argument. She cannot seem to handle any ‘real’ conversations. DH doesn't feel he is losing anything by not having them in our lives, because there hasn’t been a real relationship for years. It’s mostly platitudes and feigned interest and gathering fodder for gossip afterwards.

We are speaking to the children and telling them everything that has happened. Eldest is like DH in that they feel it wasn’t a genuine relationship before anyway. DD seems sadder and doesn’t want to lose contact completely, even though they see they’re unreliable.

This. Explain it to your 18 year old and advise them to block and lock down all their social media.

Change the phone numbers of your younger children.

You are making this more complicated practically than it needs to be.

I understand that it’s hard emotionally , but it’s your job to protect your minor children from these toxic peole . The most important thing here isn’t your feelings , your husbands or your MILs.

It’s the welfare of your children.

In the nicest possible way, you don't know for definite that will happen. They are probably just as angry at you as you are with them...

I would aim to get on with your own lives in the present, without all this worry over what might or might not happen in future.

She does know because MIL has form. What has MIL to be angry about?

100% block them from your children’s phones. They sound toxic as hell

Just leave them to it, your children are not missing out by not having contact with people like this. Protect them from the abuse your husband has suffered.