To have asked BIL and SIL not to come this evening

[tuhave]

SIL text me this morning saying they wanted to come over today. I said, sure. Yes, I should have asked for when they were planning to come, but didn’t.

I did tell everyone in the family not to come after 5 pm anymore if possible, especially on a school night, as the kids get really wound up and it’s then hard to get them to sleep. They’re 3 and 5.

anyways, I’ve had the worst day. Just feeling so stressed out by the mountains of laundry to do/ the mess in the house and just general life. I know it’s hard for everyone, but lately it’s all getting on top of me. I feel like my husband also doesn’t really look out for me and is absent quite a bit. I hit a wall today and had a major crying breakdown.

it was not a good day and knowing relatives are going to pop in, makes it worse on days like this because then I’m constantly tidying and cleaning. I hate having people over when it’s a mess and MIL also asks when it’s not completely perfect whether I don’t have my cleaners anymore ? Which fucks me off. My kids go from mess to mess, taking toys out, clothes, shoes, drinks. They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t. I was putting away a lot of laundry into cupboards and ironing while my husband was downstairs with them and they were also coming upstairs just wrecking the place entirely.

the point I’m making is that I usually stay on top of them, but I had a lot of housework to do and so I didn’t. Neither did my husband and the house was wrecked. It was perfect this morning.

so when it got to 5:30 pm I told BIL and SIL to not come tonight as we want to start winding the kids down and we also need a bit of an evening without them.

BIL and SIL don’t have kids and they don’t even begin to try to show any kind of understanding of stuff like this and I find it really really frustrating. We see them a fair bit and they just find stuff funny and never have even a half decent/ kind / sympathetic word to say to us. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s starting to wind me the fuck up. I get the impression they think they’d handle everything much better than we can tbh. And no, I don’t always complain about how hard things are- but anytime I ever have mentioned something being difficult / less than ideal I’m always met with smirking / laughing / being brushed off.

MIL is the same and says I just need to be more organised- when my own mother mentioned that I have a lot on my plate because of work, small kids and a pretty absent husband ( because of his work ). MIL says all mums do it, it’s nothing she didn’t do and I need to be more organised. I get the impression that’s what they all think. That I’m just a bit pathetic and that they’d all do it so much better.

People don’t care if your house is spick & span, they want to see you/the kids.
Can the kids not stay up a bit later as it’s bank holiday?
I say this kindly, but life will pass you by in a blink and the people important to you won’t have been able to spend as much time with your family as they would have liked.
5pm is a really early cut off.

YANBU. Honestly OP if they are not supportive or kind just reduce contact with them. They sound like dicks. Does your DH maintain contact with them or is it left to you?
It sounds like he needs to step up to support you.
at 3 and 5youre in the thick of it. It does get better 💐

5pm wouldn’t be early for my kids at that age. Visitors after that would have given them a second wind and I’d be lucky to get them to bed before 11/12. They be up at the crack of dawn as usual and then fucking Norris all day with tiredness. I think OP knows her kids best 🙄

You sound like you have a lot on your plate. No one who smirks or laughs at me would get over my threshold so fuck that. SIL etc will laugh on the other side of their faces if they have children. When family tell you to get more organised, ask them for examples. Don't beat yourself up. This phase will pass as the dc get older.

If I hadn’t had a hard day, I wouldn’t have asked them not to come. I just need to crawl into bed at 8 pm tonight and have a bit of self care time. I’m falling apart.

if they come at 5:30- they’ll stay until 8 pm at the earliest and then I’ll need to try and wrangle two excited and over tired kids into bed, on my own. It would probably mean they won’t be asleep until closer to 10 pm. And while that doesn’t matter as it’s a bank holiday, it does matter to me.

I am also solo parenting tomorrow as my husband is working.

Agree with you OP, it’s too late to visit when the kids are so young and need more settling than usual when they leave.

You’re allowed to say no if something doesn’t work for you. I hope you have a relaxing evening!

Yeah 5 isn’t technically late, it’s the repercussions it has on bed time. As I know they won’t leave until after 8 pm, if we are lucky. Then bed time takes forever as the kids are all wound up.

I wouldn’t want anyone coming over after 5pm and I only have one child. That’s wind down time in our house

People that ignore basic rules on timing and smirk and laugh at you and make you feel pathetic are NOT important.

Even your phrasing that the people who want to see her family won't feel they get enough time is odd. As though that's all that's relevant. What other people want of her children despite showing no willingness themselves to fit in.

5 pm is also not early when most young children will be winding down to bedtime. Arriving at 5 is not leaving at 5.

Perfectly reasonable.
No way would I be arsed hsving visitors after 5pm.
Certainly not people who are suiting themselves.
You sound a bit burnt out.

Bag up toys and put them away.

Stop doing food and laundry for your husband who isn't sharing the load.
Stop tolerating visitors you aren't arsed about who aren't considerate.

Stop ferling bad about telling them, nope doesn't suit.

Start looking after yourself, as clearly no one else is.

As for them smirking, how nasty.
Tell your husband he can be on duty for their visits as you will be taking time out.
Twats.

Yeah I wouldn’t want them after 5pm. Get in there first though - every time they text text back and say what time and remind them not after 5pm.

people who don’t have kids don’t necessarily understand.

People without children are always perfect parents op. Wait till they have kids and you can look smug when you drop off the mini drum Kit at 8pm.

I know people might not care but I do think they judge.

why else would MIL ask me if I still have my cleaners when it’s less than perfect on the odd occasion ?

I think they do judge.

BIL and SIL I think judge as well. They just don’t feel like they’re on our team or supportive in any way, if that makes sense. I have an older sibling and always used to say supportive things to them when things seemed difficult with their kids and they seemed tired. This was before I had kids but I was able to see that it wasn’t easy and wouldn’t just smirk.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable saying no at whatever time you want, it’s your house and your weekend!

But gently, this is a parenting forum and most of us also have this shit to deal with, if you’ve got two small children at home on a cold Sunday, they will trash your house if you give them free rule over it, we all have that battle and you can’t let it affect your mood so dramatically.

I agree, I think I also said it in my post. If not, that’s what I was thinking.

essentially nothing special here.

but I just hit some sort of wall today

It sounds like it's affecting her mood because she's a one man band and is being made to feel inadequate while carrying the full load. Yes we're mostly all mums on here but we all have vastly different situations and personalities and it's totally unfair to judge others by our own experience. My in-laws wouldn't dream of making some comment on how my house wasn't perfect, and if they came over at bedtime they'd do bedtime for me and offer for me to sit down!

Sounds like you have DH problems too, is he normally a lazy bellend?

Who cares if they judge your house? Own it. Next time Mil makes a PA comment asking if you still have cleaners, "look at the state of the place, does it look like we have cleaners??" Or "We do have them around but you know Dave is barely house trained so it's probably not nearly enough! I blame his parents!"

I would have no time for some bastard to come round and smirk at me.

but is it that your husband isn’t being there for you? Isn’t that the main issue?

yeah it’s definitely a problem with him. It has improved a bit. But I still do a lot.

i used to work from home only and that was definitely worse. Now I go to the office 3 days a week and work from home 2 days, it’s better.

but it’s small things that wind me up. When we were all at home, I do everything -tidying, meals and cleaning up after.

I do all the laundry of course too. He’s so so messy with his clothes. He doesn’t have much time to do stuff like that but the basics for himself, he doesn’t do.

he’s out of the house from 5:30 am until nearly 9 pm though. It’s a tough routine for us both.

Absolutely this!
They and your MIL sound toxic
Smirking/ laughing and invalidating others experiences is really unpleasant behaviour
Don't be the people pleaser who allows this.
It's setting yourself on fire to keep them warm

I would suggest meeting outside your home as they then won't be given the opportunity to belittle you and you can up and leave if they do.

As for your DC
Do they they consequences for trashing your house?
Locks on cupboards/ doors might be in order

Completely fine telling them not to come over when you've had a bad day.

If they were helpful to you, they'd probably be welcome. Either they wouldn't judge, or they'd actually help you (I would for my sisters). If they want to be rude, it's their fault the relationship suffers.

You are not being unreasonable. Anyone who has had small children and doesn't understand is a knob. If they left at 5.30 or 6 fine, but only if I liked them/ they were helpful or they added something to my life.

I had one "friend" who used to rock up on her way home from work, wind my kids up, make me feel uptight and was generally an utter pain in the arse. We're not friends anymore.

Anyone who tells you/ or makes you feel like you're not doing enough, needs to f off.
And your husband needs to do more/ have your back.

They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t.

they are 3 and 5... of course they don't. I mean you are not doing anything wrong, they are just little!

Yeah you just have to be on top of them, but I was busy today putting baskets and baskets of laundry away and folding. It took forever ! And my husband just let them trash the house while he watched TV.

why else would MIL ask me if I still have my cleaners when it’s less than perfect on the odd occasion?
I think they do judge.

They might.

Up to you if you care or not. I am not defined by my ability to dust or hoover frankly, so I wouldn't care. I have better things to do than care about housework. I specifically do not do any chores at the weekend, life is too short.
And my house is always visitor-ready anyway, at least for my standards, it's clean and tidy, no -one has to come and stay!