To have asked BIL and SIL not to come this evening

[tuhave]

SIL text me this morning saying they wanted to come over today. I said, sure. Yes, I should have asked for when they were planning to come, but didn’t.

I did tell everyone in the family not to come after 5 pm anymore if possible, especially on a school night, as the kids get really wound up and it’s then hard to get them to sleep. They’re 3 and 5.

anyways, I’ve had the worst day. Just feeling so stressed out by the mountains of laundry to do/ the mess in the house and just general life. I know it’s hard for everyone, but lately it’s all getting on top of me. I feel like my husband also doesn’t really look out for me and is absent quite a bit. I hit a wall today and had a major crying breakdown.

it was not a good day and knowing relatives are going to pop in, makes it worse on days like this because then I’m constantly tidying and cleaning. I hate having people over when it’s a mess and MIL also asks when it’s not completely perfect whether I don’t have my cleaners anymore ? Which fucks me off. My kids go from mess to mess, taking toys out, clothes, shoes, drinks. They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t. I was putting away a lot of laundry into cupboards and ironing while my husband was downstairs with them and they were also coming upstairs just wrecking the place entirely.

the point I’m making is that I usually stay on top of them, but I had a lot of housework to do and so I didn’t. Neither did my husband and the house was wrecked. It was perfect this morning.

so when it got to 5:30 pm I told BIL and SIL to not come tonight as we want to start winding the kids down and we also need a bit of an evening without them.

BIL and SIL don’t have kids and they don’t even begin to try to show any kind of understanding of stuff like this and I find it really really frustrating. We see them a fair bit and they just find stuff funny and never have even a half decent/ kind / sympathetic word to say to us. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s starting to wind me the fuck up. I get the impression they think they’d handle everything much better than we can tbh. And no, I don’t always complain about how hard things are- but anytime I ever have mentioned something being difficult / less than ideal I’m always met with smirking / laughing / being brushed off.

MIL is the same and says I just need to be more organised- when my own mother mentioned that I have a lot on my plate because of work, small kids and a pretty absent husband ( because of his work ). MIL says all mums do it, it’s nothing she didn’t do and I need to be more organised. I get the impression that’s what they all think. That I’m just a bit pathetic and that they’d all do it so much better.

You have a DH problem (and your MIL is a 1st class bitch. No other word for her!). I genuinely don’t get why on earth you’re with your DH.
Not only is he away a lot (fair enough on its own, it’s his job but most DH’s & Dads make up for it when home!) but from what I’ve gathered from you, he doesn’t support you, doesn’t help you, doesn’t defend you, doesn’t reassure you when you’re upset, either? What on earth is he there for then!?

He can’t do bed time as the kids just won’t have it. I have to do it, as I do it every night and that’s what they’re used to unfortunately. Especially my little one won’t sleep without me. My 5 year old sometimes reads with him at night so that’s positive but lately they’ve both just cried and screamed until I do it. I have to lie in between them until they fall asleep, which can take ages and is very very very frustrating when I’ve had a hard day and if it takes longer than half an hour. I literally want to scream sometimes.

DS was definitely ready for his bed by 6.00 or just after at 3 and 4 years old, so someone arriving later than 5.00 would be inconvenient.

On occasions like this I would make my SIL do the bedtime routine. Kids love it and I get a break! I wouldn’t keep them up longer than bedtime tbh and then would hopefully get some adult time with them after that.

You need to leave the house.
Make a tea in a cup, drive around the corner, bring a charged phone znd leave him to it.
You are out of uour mind to allow this continue.
Let him learn to soothe them snd get them down.

This laziness is working for him.
If you have to leave the house, do it. Go for z walk, whatever.
You wouldn't be the first mum to have had to do this.

I'm strict with routine, I'd let them come over but let them know they need to leave by x time for kids bedtime

People who don't have kids of their own don't get it. Genuinely, they don't understand how hard evenings can be and if they're arseholes they won't try either. Just stand your ground.

My step-mother used to say the thing about still having cleaners to me too OP.

She had never had children.

Just let it wash over you

I don’t care what anybody says, people always judge if you have a messy house.
I hate it. And I hate housework lol.
I pay a cleaner. I’d go without a lot to afford a cleaner - including shoes. And food.

The only thing I took away from your post, @tuhave is that your MIL is a horse’s patoot.
Then again, I’m sure she walks around with a halo. And she walks on water. Amirite?
Sheezus.

For the time being, don't create extra hassle by trying to offload bedtime. It's definitely better to share it when you can, but don't chuck that into the mix right now.

Concentrate on reducing the load elsewhere. Maybe when you are lying between them, while they drift off, have a think about what you could do. His laundry is something that springs to mind - or at least the ironing/putting away. I don't put DH's stuff away, I put it on his side of the bed and leave it there.

Did you cancel the cleaner to save money? Could you afford one visit each week to do the bathroom or kitchen thoroughly, for example.

If you can find a way to reduce a few things here and there, it does make a difference.

I think people judge and I think people also judge our parenting and I think they think they’d do it better.

regardless of any judgements it’s also me, I just feel completely overwhelmed by too much mess.

it just gets on top of me and I want to scream.

No I would NEVER cancel my cleaners, I need them. It’s once a week and everything gets cleaned. They come on a Friday but of course you need to stay on top of it. You need to put your shit away, you need to tidy the toys away etc etc. stuff he doesn’t do much.

he just makes more mess.

Sorry but no

He can’t do bed time as the kids just won’t have it. I have to do it

This is martyr territory. If you want to improve your life, work on this and stop being "the martyr".
The reality is change will be uncomfortable but if you dont want to keep on like this you need to change the status quo.

Also factually... If you dropped down dead (God forbid) somehow your children would sleep. In the nicest way you aren't that special...

I do sympathise. I struggled at times with just 1 and I was either part time or SAH. DH did help, but he would go off at a tangent and do something that was nice, but not what needed doing at that time.

You probably know all the answers that people are going to give you, but don't beat yourself up. If you end the day with both kids in bed and they have been adequately fed and watered and both still alive, then it's a win 😁.

We adopted our DS and the best bit of advice we were given by our lovely social worker was that there is no such thing as perfect. Don't strive to be a perfect parent or have a perfect house or give the children a perfect childhood. None of this exists. Aim for adequate rather than perfect, and it will see you through most things.

I agree if you haven't "popped in" by 5pm then just forget it!

How about they invite you over to theirs

say no

Sunday night, no chance

@tuhave I seriously wish that people would stop saying that OP's house doesnt need to be spotless!! we all feel embarassed when people come and the house is a mess, dont we??? I certainly do! you look at all those programmes on tv and the houses are always spick and span and the washing and shopping is always done but you never see anyone doing it, do you? I get how she hates that. she really needs to tell he dh to get off his backside a bit more at the weekend instead of leaving it all to her. he can also put clothes away and tidy up at the back of himself. he probably doesnt even cook a meal for op and the kids at the weekend so really she is looking after 2 wee kids and 1 big kid! I would hate anyone to visit at 5pm and 6pm! I cant even stand my dh's mobile ringing at that time!! Its mealtime in my house!!

he works those hours every day ? Does he have a long commute?

Both my DILs kick their DH and kids out of the house when they need to get stuck into house work. Wise women.

@tuhave throw them all out with sandwiches, juice, water bottles, snacks.

Have you tried saying "you need to leave by x time" rather than "you need to arrive by 5"? I wonder if that would sink in more

I have a huge amount of sympathy for you.
Your dh's hours are ridiculous.
Plus your dcs' ages are hard work for anyone.

Top tip for next time - when SiL texts to say they are coming over, ask them to come at 10am or 1pm and to take the dc to the park for a couple of hours.
They get to spend time with the dc and you and dh have a couple of hours to catch yourselves up ready to start the next week.

@Anxioustealady I have close relatives who are very similar to OP's in laws. And the answer is some people genuinely just don't leave. Last time they were here, we got up, told them they needed to leave (my child was crying as tired and hungry and they were actually raising their voices to continue their conversation over my child's screaming), managed to get them to the door and it took another 30 minutes to make them leave the house. They just wouldn't stop talking and find ways to stall. Every.single.time.

Your suggestion only works with reasonable people.

I originally added "awkward if they still won't" but didn't want to be negative so deleted it

I honestly might have snapped in your position, started yelling at them even louder than them shouting over the baby screaming lol. They probably wouldn't come back

@tuhave I think you need to progressively change your children's bed routine. You shouldn't have to stay with them until they fall asleep (says the woman who had to stay with DC1 until he was 10 y old but he's autistic so another story). I get how frustrating it is. Can you try to motivate them in some way saying they are big now and then try to walk away and come back? You would have to be patient and do this for max two weeks and they should be used to falling asleep on their own. Good luck!

Not unreasonable at all. It’s unreasonable of them to turn up after 5 if you have asked your husband to stop having people over after 5. If they want to see you, they can come in the day like normal people….