To have asked BIL and SIL not to come this evening

[tuhave]

SIL text me this morning saying they wanted to come over today. I said, sure. Yes, I should have asked for when they were planning to come, but didn’t.

I did tell everyone in the family not to come after 5 pm anymore if possible, especially on a school night, as the kids get really wound up and it’s then hard to get them to sleep. They’re 3 and 5.

anyways, I’ve had the worst day. Just feeling so stressed out by the mountains of laundry to do/ the mess in the house and just general life. I know it’s hard for everyone, but lately it’s all getting on top of me. I feel like my husband also doesn’t really look out for me and is absent quite a bit. I hit a wall today and had a major crying breakdown.

it was not a good day and knowing relatives are going to pop in, makes it worse on days like this because then I’m constantly tidying and cleaning. I hate having people over when it’s a mess and MIL also asks when it’s not completely perfect whether I don’t have my cleaners anymore ? Which fucks me off. My kids go from mess to mess, taking toys out, clothes, shoes, drinks. They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t. I was putting away a lot of laundry into cupboards and ironing while my husband was downstairs with them and they were also coming upstairs just wrecking the place entirely.

the point I’m making is that I usually stay on top of them, but I had a lot of housework to do and so I didn’t. Neither did my husband and the house was wrecked. It was perfect this morning.

so when it got to 5:30 pm I told BIL and SIL to not come tonight as we want to start winding the kids down and we also need a bit of an evening without them.

BIL and SIL don’t have kids and they don’t even begin to try to show any kind of understanding of stuff like this and I find it really really frustrating. We see them a fair bit and they just find stuff funny and never have even a half decent/ kind / sympathetic word to say to us. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s starting to wind me the fuck up. I get the impression they think they’d handle everything much better than we can tbh. And no, I don’t always complain about how hard things are- but anytime I ever have mentioned something being difficult / less than ideal I’m always met with smirking / laughing / being brushed off.

MIL is the same and says I just need to be more organised- when my own mother mentioned that I have a lot on my plate because of work, small kids and a pretty absent husband ( because of his work ). MIL says all mums do it, it’s nothing she didn’t do and I need to be more organised. I get the impression that’s what they all think. That I’m just a bit pathetic and that they’d all do it so much better.

Op sorry you had a day like this but just to say before I had kids I’d never have gotten the routine thing, or understood that getting kids hyper before bed means hours of misery for parents etc etc etc. They’re just in a different place to you.

Also give yourself a break- no house with kids that age is tidy, they are whirlwinds! Your job is to keep the house clean, that doesn’t necessarily mean tidy, the kids healthy and happy and yourself in a good place mentally and physically x

But why would you have wanted to see them at all, regardless of the state of the house and your children’s bedtime, if they’re never at all nice to you?

Honestly, the best thing you can do for your sanity is to get your useless husband to step up and be more involved is to just leave him to it. I have a couple of friends like you, and honestly it’s really frustrating to watch. They quite rightly moan about how utterly useless their husband’s are, and yet the tiniest thing they do, the wives will hover over them and/or eventually take over & do it their own way. These useless men never actually figure it out for themselves & then eventually either give up trying or clap their hands in glee that their pathetic attempt at bedtime/bath time or whatever regularly chore it was, means it no longer falls to them. What If something happened to you? Your husband would manage because he had to right now he doesn’t manage because he knows you’ll do it.

I would be going into the office five days a week, drawing up a very strict rota for meals/bedtime, increasing the cleaners hours and insisting DH reduced his hours or looks for another job. I’d rather be on my own than live with someone like this - what exactly does he bro h to the marriage (Other than a fuck tonne of
money I hope!)
And what does your husband do that requires him to be out of the home for so long? Excuse me for being cynical but it Sounds more like he’s just dodging household responsibilities to me!

have some confidence op, you’re doing a tough job. No one who told me I wasn’t doing well enough would ever be welcome at mine!! Message them, include your dh, and say I can see you’re annoyed, It’s hard work working and parenting and looking after the house with dh never home, I need to be in bed by 8 tonight not jsut about to start putting overtired kids to bed, appreciate your understanding here! I know you want to see the kids, dh will bring them around Saturday, what time? For the future please keep in mind their weeknight bedtime is 7 and I feed them at 6.

obviously you do NOT go Saturday

I agree. What kind of a-hole invites themselves over around dinner time?

yeah for me 5pm is when we start cooking tea and then it’s homework/chill time and then bed. We tend to be more set plans , so Pil want to come over - great shall we say 1pm and I’ll do some lunch? The other option is go to theirs so arrival/leaving time is on you.

Tbh even if sil messaged and said ok if we pop over today, I’d still assume between 11-4 unless told otherwise.

This would drive me insane. They ask to come round but it could be any time? You need boundaries - ask them what time they’re coming/tell them what time is good for you.

Absolutely fine to say don’t come after 5.30.

Ha ha
This
it remind me of something I’d long forgot.
When the kids were little my step mum said ‘I didn’t do housework for a year ‘ - not true by the way - and she never stepped foot in my house so how did she know?
And my mil said ‘a house is for living in’
indicating my too high standards - she did occasionally actually visit.
Thing was I doing the exact same thing.
So which was it?
Seriously op you can’t win tell them to ‘get lost’.

In a situation like this, being ‘organised’ to me would involve me controlling what time visitors come and leave ‘yes we’d love you to pop over, if you aim to get here for 3 we can have some tea and cake before you leave at 5’. Then at around 4.45 ‘ooh look at the time kids, let’s have a tidy up because Aunty Sue and Uncle John will be going soon and I know you want to wave them off’.

Agree with this
yes a bedtime story , but then it’s lights out , good night.

It's completely reasonable to have a 'not after 5pm unless invited' boundary.

You sound exhausted @tuhave you are juggling working, two young children and doing everything in the house. Your husband works longs hours too and your in laws want to visit at inconvenient times. Your MIL obviously can’t remember how hectic little ones are but please don’t take it to heart.
When they say they will pop in I’d tell them a time convenient for you and say 5 o’clock onwards is too hectic for you and children.