To be upset by my first Bridget Jones Experience?

[mumhas1syllable]

Long story short, I’m nearing 40, single mum, a few long term relationships but nothing that has lasted longer than 5 years.

Left most recent relationship because other party was coercive and had narcissistic tendencies. Realised I needed to work heavily on myself so invested in therapy and have spent the past 9 months working through childhood trauma, anxious attachment and pulling myself out of very deep depression. I’ve come so far and recently started to feel well enough to taper off anti depressants and start my life again.

attended best friends birthday party yesterday, where comments were made about my single status that felt derogatory. A further games night was discussed and I displayed my enthusiasm to attend. Only for her to announce that I wasn’t invited because it’s couples only. This was in front of the whole group and to be frank, was humiliating.

noteworthy that recently she has been flaky with any plans and not attending last minute and instead participating in events with her married friends.

I’ve never been ostracized for being single before or even made to feel like it’s a negative aspect of my life and who I am.

AIBU to be deeply hurt by this and to want to walk away from the friendship? And also to feel like a complete failure because I’m middle aged and single? I feel like I’m so unworthy and I’ve spent nearly a year of my life working toward feeling worthy and this has knocked me back hugely.

This is about her, not you. But I’ve been there, and it sucks - being made to feel inferior because you are single.

From observing most relationships and similar age to you, most aren’t happy. So don’t feel you are missing out. Your therapy will make you stronger so you don’t settle for an unhappy relationship, confident that you will thrive single, and this will attract the right partner for you.

When you spend time with couples, the passive aggression, real aggression, bickering, straying eyes…

One of the few who I thought were a happy couple, the husband made a pass at me. I thought I had got it wrong and/or he was drunk. But there was no mistaking the dm I got saying how he couldn’t stop thinking of me. I felt I had to tell her and guess which gender got more derogatory comments…I was a single woman and clearly must have been begging for this unwanted attention.

A further games night was discussed and I displayed my enthusiasm to attend. Only for her to announce that I wasn’t invited because it’s couples only. This was in front of the whole group and to be frank, was humiliating.

What a nasty bitch!

You’re better off without people like this in your life.

And FWIW, (even though she’s a fictional character) I fucking love Bridget! I’d rather be a Bridget than a smug cow who thinks being in a relationship/marriage is some exclusive club. Fuck them!!!!!!

It is so old fashioned, so they all sit there luxuriating in the belief that they are not social pariahs simply because they have a partner. It sounds like something from the 1950's or maybe even Victorian times when the only way most women could have any sort of social status or identity was to marry. Madness!

Well I hope the event is a resounding failure and this so called friend has a really shit time.

It's understandable that your friend's comments stung, most of us were brought up with the concept husband-wife-children family being the only normal option (All other modifications being a mistake).
I also feel often excluded from the events where couples meet even if I am a good friend with some/most of them. My parents keep my divorce hush-hush and away from the wider family (and warn me not to mention it at any meetups) which is unpleasant but I sort of learned to shrugg that off and carry on.

This woman is not your friend OP. Please don’t internalise her issues and start worrying what it says about you- it says nothing about you, it’s all her weirdness. Maybe she is quite insecure and having someone single around her partner is a worry to her. She may even be envious of your single-ness, there are tonnes of people who put on a good front but are in very unhappy relationships. Or maybe she’s just a bit of a bitch. Whatever- she doesn’t deserve your headspace- there are better friends out there!

Come the fuck on Bridget - she’s iconic. Although when she weighed herself in the first movie and she was just over 9 stone and considered fat. It didn’t do my relationship with my body any favours

Oh God! With best friends like these, who needs hostile acquaintances? 'Only for couples' indeed. You need some new friends, OP.

Yeah, it's fucking dumb innit? X

Omg I’m so sorry you went through this!!!

Of course all of us singletons sit there plotting which husband to steal every night. Good lord, this is why I have therapy - other people! 🤣

thank you for sharing this with me - I am one of those who blames herself for everything and very rarely holds others to account so it gives me perspective and reminds me that some people are just awful and it is not a reflection of me.

OP I have seven close friends, three are single. I would never exclude them.

I think speaking up for yourself is a good thing. I had a shit childhood too. I could never please my mother. I worked up to CEO level and I finally got some response. However I became alcohol dependant to deal with the family bullying. I'm sober three years.
Like you I had therapy, best thing I've done in years. I learnt to speak up for myself when people attacked me (I use to go home to drink and numb the pain). The comments were jealousy of my degrees and business success. A woman should know her place!
Now I don't give a flying fuck what people think of me. If you don't respect me and treat me well, I walk away. Mind you I am nearing retirement and have become very arsy!
Enjoy your life, find a new hobby and cherish your DC. This women is not your friend or needs to cut the booze.

And how often was the Lord of the Manor desecrating the maids in the Victorian era?! 🧐
Thank you Lifeonmars100 - happier to be having a wobble and moaning on here than coveting a social status built on a marriage.

Weirdly, I often do stuff without my husband, and prefer it in many ways. I find it can be frustrating when people assume I’ll bring him along and it’s “couples”. Single friends are fab as usually up for outings and more flexible. Frankly - ditch this frenemy asap

Thank you - how inspiring and yes - very similar for me but I think the only thing that stopped me becoming dependent on alcohol was watching a parent suffer with it. I found other ways to self sabotage though and I’m slowly pulling myself out.

and not arsy - you’re a wonderful reminder that I need to value myself more and choosing to walk away is choosing the best option for me. And I need to be comfortable choosing me and allowing myself to be happy. I have stayed in toxic relationships because I didn’t believe I deserved anything more and because I was mean to myself. I need to be strong, walk away and continue to get comfortable with being kind to myself. As much as it hurtful and confusing.

Hi again OP, I think a PP is correct in speculating that your friend might be jealous. I am also another annoying ( to other people) slim person and I have had a few married men hitting on me since I’ve been single. I would NEVER get involved with someone else’s husband or partner, I’m very reserved, shy and given them zero encouragement. It’s been really unpleasant to see men’s true nature. One of them actually came round uninvited with a bottle of wine. He was soon sent away with a flea in his ear!
Like you, I have been a people pleaser and had no boundaries. I have had counselling and done “the work” and now I know my worth. It’s been a long process. I’m very happy now. I love my pets, go to tai chi, yoga and the gym. I enjoy being myself. I would consider another relationship but they’d have to be pretty special. You’re doing really well xx

I think you sound awesome, OP.

No no no. So sorry. I voted I correctly. Sorry. You have nothing, absolutely nothing to blame yourself for.

She isn't your best friend and doesn't value you. A best friend or any decent friend wouldn't have embarrassed you

She is not your friend! Give it a few more months and your newly single status will make you feel proud. You walked away from a shitty situation, well done for not sticking with it. Op anyone who looks down on you doesn’t deserve your friendship.

I was uninvited to a night out because I was single many years ago. A so called friend asked me to join her on a night out, when I contacted her the day before to ask what time we were meeting she announced it was couples only. I never spoke to her again.

Your "best friend" is a cunt and you should never speak to her again. Hope this helps x

Couples only games night, the thought of that phrase makes me think of pampus grass and hot tubs. Maybe that's why youre not invited OP, you haven't got someone to swap for the night and a single person would mean someone has to go in a threesome creating a huge imbalance 😝

Thank you so much for this. It’s so encouraging for me because boundaries were non existent with me so they are something I’m still very uncomfortable setting but knowing you have overcome it allows me peace of mind that I too can do it!

it makes me incredibly sad that another could be jealous because of what’s on the outside - that’s not who I am! Also - we have this privilege but I’m quite sure if I keep taking advantage of eating whatever I want, I shall also have the “privilege” of high cholesterol 😅

the audacity of that man!!! I’m flabbergasted - how awful for you. I hope the flea is still in his ear and irritating him like there’s no tomorrow!!!

I have found a local yoga group and will
most definitely join now and keep finding myself xx

I had a friend once who split from her abusive husband. She was a lovely woman, and couldn't understand why several wives she had considered to be friends, stopped interacting with her.

Fear and jealousy...obviously, they thought every single woman was out to take their husbands from them.

Pathetic really, and OP, you are better off without their fair weather 'friendships'.

Very interesting...., I am actively going to seek friendships now with newly single women with the hope they will take my husband away!