To be upset by my first Bridget Jones Experience?

[mumhas1syllable]

Long story short, I’m nearing 40, single mum, a few long term relationships but nothing that has lasted longer than 5 years.

Left most recent relationship because other party was coercive and had narcissistic tendencies. Realised I needed to work heavily on myself so invested in therapy and have spent the past 9 months working through childhood trauma, anxious attachment and pulling myself out of very deep depression. I’ve come so far and recently started to feel well enough to taper off anti depressants and start my life again.

attended best friends birthday party yesterday, where comments were made about my single status that felt derogatory. A further games night was discussed and I displayed my enthusiasm to attend. Only for her to announce that I wasn’t invited because it’s couples only. This was in front of the whole group and to be frank, was humiliating.

noteworthy that recently she has been flaky with any plans and not attending last minute and instead participating in events with her married friends.

I’ve never been ostracized for being single before or even made to feel like it’s a negative aspect of my life and who I am.

AIBU to be deeply hurt by this and to want to walk away from the friendship? And also to feel like a complete failure because I’m middle aged and single? I feel like I’m so unworthy and I’ve spent nearly a year of my life working toward feeling worthy and this has knocked me back hugely.

There's literally no way I'd be spending any time with her, ever again. What a nasty bitch.

Absolutely this! Fuck her she's not your friend

This!

My childish reaction (and not at all useful) is to make her jealous. She’s a user, only wanting people around her who offer her something or make her feel good. She feels you lost your value to her. I’d become very busy, popular and unavailable. If I could be bothered and felt petty, I’d have lots of social media posts doing interesting things, especially things she likes. Draw her in then disparage her.

These people are not your friends! You need to find new friends who like you for who you are; not for your relationship ‘status’. You are too good for them, move on 🙁

I simply don't understand people setting up events that are 'couples only'?
It seems archaic as a concept. Like single people can't be trusted not to steal someone else's partner, or are somehow lower or lesser company because they don't have a partner?
I would give them a wide berth tbh.
How odd to differentiate between a friend that you like and one you don't want to hang out with, based on whether or not they're currently getting laid by the same person on a fairly frequent basis?

Ridiculous load of shite.

Friendships can be complex.

She gave you space to discover your ex DP was not the one.

You might now give her the space to work out what a cow she has been.

Are you a failure ? Not at all, how can that be true given you have managed to bring up a wonderful teen ?

thank you - and yes, I couldn’t be happier being single. I’m so content in my grandma era (a little too much because I do need to get out more!) and I have no desire for a relationship at present. Especially one that is reflective of previous, where I sought out people who would treat me awfully because it’s all I knew. I still need to get over the shame of how unhealthy my attachments were before I start anything new. And as for one that spends their time in the pub - they can keep them 🤣 that is not for me!

I suppose I just don’t understand what there is to be jealous of if she loves her life and husband so much?! And maybe why her comments hurt so much, why wouldn’t she be happy that I’m happy and healing?! And I realise these are all rhetorical questions and everyone on this thread has given me the answers…. She’s not my friend and I have to accept that and move on.

That's a fuck you bitch 🖕moment and walk out.

Sorry, she's no friend of yours and you need a new friend group. They're all fine with you being excluded.

Thank you so much ❤️ I’ve been so proud of myself and for choosing me, that I have taken it badly at others not being happy for me. I did mention once that I felt like all of my “friends” liked me when I was at my lowest and then felt like I was being awful and dismissed it and carried on. The proof is unfortunately, in the pudding and I need to pull up my socks and carry on and keep going.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I need to speak to myself kindly like this and remind myself where I can from and where I am today. A year ago I attempted to take my own life and now I couldn’t be more grateful that it didn’t happen and I chose me and my child.

That's not a friend or a supportive group of friends. You need new people, a new circle. You say you are changing and healing, sometimes people close to you don't like that.

Don't let it knock you. You have obviously done a huge amount of work. You have recognised that what she said, and how she treated you, was not acceptable, which in itself is good progress.

It does seem as though she was using you to make herself feel better. There's probably an element of jealousy there too, if she was doing this, it means that things are not that great with her, and she resents that you have managed to sort yourself out. Rise above and continue being fabulous. Some better friends might be in order too in due course.

I am most likely to be found knitting, reading, baking and walking the dog 🤣 so I’m lovingly referring to it as my grandma era.

Im not on social media aside from here, I don’t go out drinking much and I don’t suppose that is encouraging to friendship groups but I enjoy the peace now. I do love a good party and dancing, but I’m fortunate enough to have a teenager who will cook and bake with me and Ive always cherished that because it doesn’t last forever! It has always been a bone of contention in relationships because that is where I would rather invest my time.

The crappy childhood fairy on YouTube is very good at advice on issues that stem from childhood ❤️

She's not your best friend - she's not a friend at all if that's the way she treats you. I would dump her without a backward glance and spend your time with people who are nice and treat you well. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single at any age and a good friend would never make you feel bad.

She’s not your best friend she is a bitch. Walk away.

It's possible the 'couples only' invite is showing that she's actually quite insecure herself and would rather be socializing with couples incase her partner has a wandering eye
Filp the perspective and she may see you as a threat this is why Fiends belittle you x

Yes I think it’s time to find a new friendship group that is less toxic.

I hadn’t considered jealousy but if I was honest with myself, perhaps because I am happier in myself it may have sparked it. I may not think much of myself but I am aware that I’m not considered unattractive, I am one of those annoying women who eats like a horse and doesn’t gain weight and I’m academically successful (I collected a lot of impressive degrees to gain my parents love but to no avail). However, just because I am happier doesn’t mean I’ve changed my values or morals and am suddenly a threat to peoples marriages. They may be attractive to them but they’re certainly not to me. And having been subjected to philandering men as parents and partners, the act of it repulses me and I would never hurt anyone the way I have been hurt. I hoped she knew me better but I guess not.

Thank you! I do struggle with perspective and have a tendency to place my own values and expectations on others. Which I now realize is flipping daft but I do still need help in seeing it because I struggle to comprehend things I wouldn’t do etc. I can have a narrow perspective that is very lovely and sees the best in everyone - which is nice but unrealistic and why I could be a doormat. Thank you for reminding me to get out of my tunnel vision x

Yeah. This "friend" doesn't deserve your attention

Your "friend" sounds mean, ukind and immature. What she said was hurtful and she obviously lacks the sensitivity to temper her remarks. I am a bit like you in that I tend to go over and over remarks that have hurt me rather then revisiting all the kind and lovely things that people have said to me. Maybe focus on the hard work you have put into getting where you are today, you sound self aware and kind and you deserve to have people in your life who share these qualities.

Thank you!! I’ll certainly give it a watch. I embrace all the help there is ❤️