To be upset by my first Bridget Jones Experience?

[mumhas1syllable]

Long story short, I’m nearing 40, single mum, a few long term relationships but nothing that has lasted longer than 5 years.

Left most recent relationship because other party was coercive and had narcissistic tendencies. Realised I needed to work heavily on myself so invested in therapy and have spent the past 9 months working through childhood trauma, anxious attachment and pulling myself out of very deep depression. I’ve come so far and recently started to feel well enough to taper off anti depressants and start my life again.

attended best friends birthday party yesterday, where comments were made about my single status that felt derogatory. A further games night was discussed and I displayed my enthusiasm to attend. Only for her to announce that I wasn’t invited because it’s couples only. This was in front of the whole group and to be frank, was humiliating.

noteworthy that recently she has been flaky with any plans and not attending last minute and instead participating in events with her married friends.

I’ve never been ostracized for being single before or even made to feel like it’s a negative aspect of my life and who I am.

AIBU to be deeply hurt by this and to want to walk away from the friendship? And also to feel like a complete failure because I’m middle aged and single? I feel like I’m so unworthy and I’ve spent nearly a year of my life working toward feeling worthy and this has knocked me back hugely.

What a horrible bitch!!! I wouldn’t speak to her ever again!

She’s a nasty bitch. I’m always surprised to hear these “couple friends only” people exist IRL because it’s just such a weird way to approach friendships. Doesn’t cast them in a good light if they think someone’s value depends on their relationship status. So it’s definitely her that comes out of this encounter looking like a tit, not you. Maybe it’s time to put your new self esteem and confidence into finding new and better friends?

She’s not your friend, she doesn’t like you, and has found a way to exclude you, she probably never liked you but you came as part of the group. However you feeling like a failure just feeds into the narrative that you need a man to be whole, or worthy. Hold your head up high, and rejoice in your growth.

Omg OP I’m so very sorry you went through that how utterly selfish and thoughtless. It’s no huge surprise though as similar has happened to me. My husband and I split eight years ago and I was instantly dropped by a few friends. I struggle now to find things to do at the weekend because I’m ostracised by couples. I see my friends during the week but it’s a no no at weekend. Luckily I have become friends with a single woman. I met at an exercise class and we meet up for a walk over the weekend which keeps me sane. I think you will need to try and build up a group of single friends, although it does take time. Big hugs.

almost a year

I can say with some experience now (divorced and also out of a narcissistic relationship and in my “healing era”) you will start to notice similar traits in other people and you won’t let it lie! Good for you for picking her up on it!

OP, I can totally understand how awful this made you feel, and it can feel initially like a slip back in your self esteem. But, I’m confident you will actually notice a quick and resilient bounce back. Because you have done the work and that doesn’t vanish.

I agree with you. Her comments may well be a symptom of you taking less shit. She sees someone growing in front of her, becoming something stronger - maybe in ways she would like to but hasn’t managed deep down. And unfortunately, she’s not the kind of person to embrace that.

when you grow like you have (and well done by the way!), you will notice that some old ‘friends’ suddenly don’t seem great anymore… either they actually aren’t happy for you, or your standards and expectations have changed.

None of us feel wonderful about ourselves all the time. That’s not a failure to feel knocked down. But you will find you have the resilience, and positive self image to argue back and find your feet again.

Based on everything you’ve said and the work you’ve done, I believe in you and am rooting for you!

No need to feel worthless. I'm sure most people aren't particularly happy in their marriages and just stay because they're scared of being alone. You value yourself enough not to settle. In fact, setting is more or less the only way of finding a man in middle age because they're not exactly attractive are they?

Making comments about single status - is beyond rude and also tempting the fate - like in a blink of an eye they won't become single themselves - divorced, widowed? Truly crass.
As for couples night - their night, their rules, here I see no problem.

Yes I think so too! I’ve been booking little events and attending things solo hoping to keep building myself up and find a good friendship group with similar values.

I suppose I just never anticipated having to start completely afresh at this age! But then again, going back to being that person and that troubled life seems so much worse. I was so deeply unhappy and hurt. I carried all the misery of my childhood and spent my life trying to fix it by placing all time into making others happy. I was exhausted and at rock bottom this time last year.

Thank you! I recently moved to a new town and I think I should join a class of some sort too and start getting out more and building my social circle. And thank you for sharing that with me - it’s so hard not to feel like you’re going to be alone because you are not in a relationship.

Sometimes, when a 'doormat' stops letting people walk all over them those people can find the new dynamic challenging. Time to find your new tribe.

“well, that’s disciminatory, I’m single not stupid”.

I think you handled it dead right, good for you.
Your 'friend', and all the silent hangers on, are the stupid ones.

You sound great. x

She’s scared of your new power.
It must show, and threatens her. It’s a positive, ultimately. Your work is paying off. You may need new friends now though to reflect your growth 🙌

Couples only? Very weird. If you're a couple who can’t be around single people to me that might be indicative of a deeper issue. You sound like you’ve bettered yourself and are doing well, maybe she feels insecure and wants to lord the only thing she has (a husband) over you. She’s a loser.

Agree. Find new friends. All of them sound shit, since no one spoke up.

Your friend isn’t a friend, she’s an idiot. Bin her off. I used to regularly go out with three couples when I was single and it was me and one other woman who were the singles. I never felt out of place 🤷‍♀️ FWIW, one of the couples is now divorced whilst us two singles are married (not to each other!)

Good Bog, ditch the nasty cow.

Don’t be hurt, be grateful you’ve seen her true colours so you can focus on friendships that lift you up. “Couples only nights” sound tedious. A chance to one up each other on who’s hubby got the bigger bonus and holidays to elevenerife. Yawn!

This is a friend and not you problem. Honestly life is too short to be hanging out with these types, judgemental, bitchy, smug, the exclusive vibe that being married or couple up is the be all and end all! She could well be jealous of your single status or perhaps how far you have come in recent times. I’d concentrate on yourself, there is a lot to be said being happily single or not feeling the need to be partnered up. I’d probably be saying something to her purely to call her out on her childish behaviour and then would distance if it is not a friendship you get much from. I have a friend like this, absolutely desperate “for a man” as she put it, multiple dates, needy. Found a partner and now constantly sympathises with her happily single friends whilst moaning about her other half who doesn’t work and spends most evenings in the pub!

Rude and insensitive - try not to take it to heart. There are people in bad relationships who are probably jealous of you being single and free! Ditch this 'friend,' she's clearly not one.

If you're ever in this company again and 'couples only' events are mentioned then 'Oh keys in the middle and lots of baby oil sounds great fun, not' would be a suitable remark.