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Original poster

Can't decide between friends...

85 replies

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:31

I've posted about my friend and her birthday weekend away. (Originally it was supposed to be child free, and then it turned out they're bringing kids...) So I really didn't want to go any more.

Anyway, so my best friend calls me yesterday and she told me she's coming to visit me as her work trip is allowing her to stay for an extra week, but she'd have to stay with to save on costs. No problem whatsoever, she's my best friend and lives across the pond so I only see her every 3 years or so.

So it turns out she's staying the same weekend as this other friend's weekend away. So I ask the birthday friend if I can bring my friend and she unilaterally said no. Fair enough it's her birthday, but at the same time I can't just leave my friend that I never get to see...

So who's being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FloraBotticelli · 04/05/2025 10:34

Don’t go to something you don’t want to go to. Why haven’t you already declined the weekend away?

BoyDoIMissSecrets · 04/05/2025 10:34

I feel if you’ve committed to something then that’s what you do, it’s a bit shitty to drop that friend because you’ve had a better alternative come up at a later date.

strawlight · 04/05/2025 10:36

Thought you’d decided you weren’t going on the birthday weekend, because of all the kids?

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:37

strawlight · 04/05/2025 10:36

Thought you’d decided you weren’t going on the birthday weekend, because of all the kids?

Yes correct, but I was going to claim I was poorly on the weekend.

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 04/05/2025 10:39

Have you already booked the trip away and you now cancelling impact anyone else? Other than the birthday person being a bit disappointed/ annoyed?
If not, I would absolutely politely decline the invite and spend time with your friend who is visiting.
And I’d phrase it like this ‘ thanks for inviting me. As my friend is staying with me that week I won’t be able to leave her to come on the trip, we rarely get to see eachother. Have an amazing time away’

Olika · 04/05/2025 10:39

You didn’t want to go before your friend asked about staying over so just decline the bday celebrations. You do need to learn to be more assertive though to make decisions that you want to make instead of agreeing on things just to please someone.

toomuchfaff · 04/05/2025 10:40

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:37

Yes correct, but I was going to claim I was poorly on the weekend.

Show quote history

Well now you have an amazing ready made excuse.

Tell them you're out because you have to host friend from over the pond. Job done.

Callie247 · 04/05/2025 10:44

Well it’s going to be obvious now she knows your friend is over the same time but I think I’d be going with the best friend rather than the inflexible friend who let’s be honest probably doesn’t care if you miss out on your bestie for another three years by going to her party instead.

andweallloveclover · 04/05/2025 10:45

toomuchfaff · 04/05/2025 10:40

Well now you have an amazing ready made excuse.

Tell them you're out because you have to host friend from over the pond. Job done.

Show quote history

This ^^

You have asked if your friend can also come and have been told no. Therefore you just tell your friend that unfortunately if your other friend cannot come then you won't be able to either as you can't just leave her on her own.

So if your friend with the birthday celebrations really wants you there then she should understand your predicament and either allow your friend to come, or be okay with the fact you won't be able to because of this other friend.

I know things are not always that simple though and she may well get the huff but if this friend from overseas is your best friend that you rarely get chance to see then I am sorry but this top trumps the birthday weekend for me.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:46

MeganM3 · 04/05/2025 10:39

Have you already booked the trip away and you now cancelling impact anyone else? Other than the birthday person being a bit disappointed/ annoyed?
If not, I would absolutely politely decline the invite and spend time with your friend who is visiting.
And I’d phrase it like this ‘ thanks for inviting me. As my friend is staying with me that week I won’t be able to leave her to come on the trip, we rarely get to see eachother. Have an amazing time away’

It wouldn't affect anyone apart from the "disappointment" and my wallet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:53

andweallloveclover · 04/05/2025 10:45

This ^^

You have asked if your friend can also come and have been told no. Therefore you just tell your friend that unfortunately if your other friend cannot come then you won't be able to either as you can't just leave her on her own.

So if your friend with the birthday celebrations really wants you there then she should understand your predicament and either allow your friend to come, or be okay with the fact you won't be able to because of this other friend.

I know things are not always that simple though and she may well get the huff but if this friend from overseas is your best friend that you rarely get chance to see then I am sorry but this top trumps the birthday weekend for me.

Show quote history

Yes exactly. Plus the trip is with a bunch of her friends that I've never met. I'm the only one on that trip that doesn't belong to a group of friends

OP posts:
beetr00 · 04/05/2025 10:56

no brainer @Ethicaldebacle

Have a wonderful time with your over the pond friend 🙂

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 10:57

I think if you want to maintain a friendship with the weekend away group you probably need to go. If you’d pulled out beforehand then this would have been different but now you’ve asked about visiting friend it will purely and simply look like you’ve binned their weekend off for someone else. All the reservations you had already would look like poor excuses.

If you’re not bothered about remaining friends then politely pull out and live with the consequences.

SwanRivers · 04/05/2025 10:58

Oh God, just use your words!

Tell her you don't want to go due to the kids coming and wish her well.

Don't blow out at the last minute with a pack of lies.

Why do you even have friends if you can't manage basic communication?

SheridansPortSalut · 04/05/2025 10:59

Now you have the perfect excuse to bow out of something you didn't want to go to anyway.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/05/2025 11:00

toomuchfaff · 04/05/2025 10:40

Well now you have an amazing ready made excuse.

Tell them you're out because you have to host friend from over the pond. Job done.

Show quote history

This.

Telling them you’re not well on the weekend would be pretty shitty tbh. Much better to let them know in advance.

Why couldn’t you just say you didn’t fancy it once kids were involved?

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:01

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 10:57

I think if you want to maintain a friendship with the weekend away group you probably need to go. If you’d pulled out beforehand then this would have been different but now you’ve asked about visiting friend it will purely and simply look like you’ve binned their weekend off for someone else. All the reservations you had already would look like poor excuses.

If you’re not bothered about remaining friends then politely pull out and live with the consequences.

They're not a "group of friends" the people who are going are complete strangers to me. I'm only friends with the birthday lady.

OP posts:
Gundogday · 04/05/2025 11:02

I’d cancel on the trip, but make sure you pay your share if the accomadation.

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 11:04

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:01

They're not a "group of friends" the people who are going are complete strangers to me. I'm only friends with the birthday lady.

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The birthday lady then. As I say if you pull out now it’s just going to look like you can’t be arsed to go and prefer your other friend. I’d be pretty pissed off TBH. So I think it comes down to whether you want to maintain that friendship or not.

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2025 11:06

It doesn't sound like you're much of a friend to the birthday friend tbh but not honouring agreed arrangements is generally poor behaviour. Tell her you're not coming because you don't want to be around kids, and let her decide if she still wants to be friends.

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 11:06

If you want to leave the door open for weekend away friend, could you maybe go for the day and leave your visiting friend for one day in your house. Or maybe if you phone birthday friend and explain they might be ok. But I’d be expecting them to be pretty pissed off so I think you need to be realistic.

notsureyetcertain · 04/05/2025 11:09

Yeah I’d say you can’t go due to friend visit. Obviously don’t leave them out of pocket

Glittertwins · 04/05/2025 11:11

Tough one as it reads as you’d made the commitment to friend 1. But friend 1 then changed the arrangements by including children so I’d be using that as my declining reason now but still stump the accommodation costs. Going away where I’d only know the one person and there is a whole lot who are already friends sounds like my idea of hell. Adding their children to the mix as well sounds even worse!

beetr00 · 04/05/2025 11:13

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:46

It wouldn't affect anyone apart from the "disappointment" and my wallet.

Show quote history

@Gundogday & @notsureyetcertain

OP has stated she'll take the financial hit.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:19

Glittertwins · 04/05/2025 11:11

Tough one as it reads as you’d made the commitment to friend 1. But friend 1 then changed the arrangements by including children so I’d be using that as my declining reason now but still stump the accommodation costs. Going away where I’d only know the one person and there is a whole lot who are already friends sounds like my idea of hell. Adding their children to the mix as well sounds even worse!

Exactly. It never really appealed to me, but originally I thought that it was probably good to get out of my comfort zone. But then, when children were added to the equation it became my idea of hell.

To avoid conflict, I was just going to claim sickness.

OP posts: