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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't decide between friends...

85 replies

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:31

I've posted about my friend and her birthday weekend away. (Originally it was supposed to be child free, and then it turned out they're bringing kids...) So I really didn't want to go any more.

Anyway, so my best friend calls me yesterday and she told me she's coming to visit me as her work trip is allowing her to stay for an extra week, but she'd have to stay with to save on costs. No problem whatsoever, she's my best friend and lives across the pond so I only see her every 3 years or so.

So it turns out she's staying the same weekend as this other friend's weekend away. So I ask the birthday friend if I can bring my friend and she unilaterally said no. Fair enough it's her birthday, but at the same time I can't just leave my friend that I never get to see...

So who's being unreasonable?

OP posts:

PurpleThistle7 · 04/05/2025 15:30

I don’t know why you planned to lie in the first place but now you won’t be able to. If you’d been honest from the start there’d be no issue. I think it’s not great to cancel a plan when you get a better offer but also think it’s ridiculous to invite a bunch of children away on an adults only weekend so you’re both as bad as each other here.

Original poster

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 15:36

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 15:23

And yes FWIW I would have thought you were a CF asking me to invite someone I’ve never met to my birthday weekend as well.

What I think would have been decent would either (a) to have pulled out as soon as bringing kids was agreed if you didn’t want go, or (b) explained to visiting friend that you’d got a commitment that would need to be re-arranged in order to host them and then spoken to weekend friend to see if you could work something out or explained the situation honestly.

It’s not just a money issue either, even if everyone paid their share it’s a crap weekend if a significant people are no-shows, she might not have invited other people who would have come, even if not who wants to spend their birthday weekend in an empty house or fielding fake messages about tummy bugs?

I spoke with my DH about it who knows her/them very well (we mostly hang out as couples) and he agreed that being honest would have made seen as super duper awkward.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 04/05/2025 15:43

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 15:36

I spoke with my DH about it who knows her/them very well (we mostly hang out as couples) and he agreed that being honest would have made seen as super duper awkward.

Show quote history

Well there you are then. If your husband endorses your approach and thinks that being basically upfront and honest isn't necessary, I don't see why any opinions here will be of interest to you.

CaramelGhost · 04/05/2025 15:47

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:37

Yes correct, but I was going to claim I was poorly on the weekend.

Show quote history

Ehh??So the why you try to drag your friend along instead?

OP I wouldn't go but i think you have handled it badly and your other friends will be annoyed.

Notquitegrownup2 · 04/05/2025 15:57

Whatever you decided in the past or why, you are now double booked. I think you have to assume the worst. One of your friends is going to be offended. Which one will be most offended or if they both are, which one will you choose . . .

WhatNoRaisins · 04/05/2025 16:30

You mentioned that you have DC. For their sake I think you should ask yourself what you are modeling them in terms of how to socially interact with others, how to treat others and expect to be treated.

I completely understand being socially awkward and that social skills aren't innate to everyone but I think that makes it even more important that these DC are being taught these things so that they can negotiate the world. It sounds like you have got yourself into a real rut with this. I'm not saying that you're a bad person but you shouldn't be paying for a trip that you don't want to go on because you don't feel able to be honest about it.

SomeoneElseDidIt · 04/05/2025 16:34

While I normally believe you should do the first one because you committed to it, in this particular situation where the original trip changed after you agreed to it, you don’t know anyone else, they’re bringing their children, AND you have the opportunity to spend the week with your best friend that you hardly ever get to see, this is a no brainer.
Life is too short.

Decline with regret based on your overseas guest (I can’t actually believe you are not allowed to bring her on the weekend unless there is no bed for her, but then my friends are warm and welcoming to new people).
Make sure you pay your share of the accommodation upfront so it’s clear the rest won’t be out of pocket, and have a lovely time with your friend.

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 16:44

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 15:36

I spoke with my DH about it who knows her/them very well (we mostly hang out as couples) and he agreed that being honest would have made seen as super duper awkward.

Show quote history

So he thought it would be a better idea to lie at the last minute instead? I’m not sure taking his advice is the best idea. Either that or he was telling you what he knew you wanted to hear.

rookiemere · 04/05/2025 17:22

Honestly some people are making this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. No you do not need a mass confessional where you admit you weren’t keen on other peoples DCs being there, she has said you can’t bring your friend so it’s easy peasy.
”Dear friend I am so sorry but I will have to drop out from your birthday trip. As you know B is over on the same weekend from USA and I haven’t seen her for 3 years. I feel awful as I accepted your invite first, but I know you won’t be alone. I will of course still pay for my share of the accommodation and if you will let me, take you out to celebrate the occasion when you get back.”
Job done.

Notquitegrownup2 · 04/05/2025 20:05

Good message from @rookiemere

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