Can't decide between friends...

[Ethicaldebacle]

I've posted about my friend and her birthday weekend away. (Originally it was supposed to be child free, and then it turned out they're bringing kids...) So I really didn't want to go any more.

Anyway, so my best friend calls me yesterday and she told me she's coming to visit me as her work trip is allowing her to stay for an extra week, but she'd have to stay with to save on costs. No problem whatsoever, she's my best friend and lives across the pond so I only see her every 3 years or so.

So it turns out she's staying the same weekend as this other friend's weekend away. So I ask the birthday friend if I can bring my friend and she unilaterally said no. Fair enough it's her birthday, but at the same time I can't just leave my friend that I never get to see...

So who's being unreasonable?

You’ve made a right mess of this.

You could have declined the invite ages ago. You could have declined when you discovered you had to host, but instead you asked if you could bring your friend to this lady’s bday weekend away - why? You didn’t want to go in the first place but wanted to bring a stranger into the group for someone’s birthday?

Now you’re just going to have to cancel and bday friend is obviously going to feel like you’re choosing the other friend over her.

If you pull a sickie the day of, your bday friend is going to know you’re lying and that you just want to stay home with your visiting friend.

Because if everyone secretly decided they weren’t going to go but just lied and said they were sick at the last minute no one would turn up! She’d have an utterly shit birthday. But if you tell her in good time “sorry but the change of plan (kids coming) means that this just won’t work for me” she could have a rethink. Honestly you just sound like a flaky nightmare to me, I couldn’t cope with friends like you.

This!

All you needed to say was that it wasn't your thing with kids and you'd pass this time.

Now it's become complicated because the weekend away friend will think you're dumping her for something better.

When in fact you weren't ever going to go!

Why can't people just be honest instead of tying themselves in knots.

I would just be totally honest and say you rarely see your best friend so "with regret" you won't be coming as you can't pass up this chance to spend time with her. It was the (not best) friend who said she couldn't come on the birthday trip after all.

That's not the truth either is it?

Ths truth is that you were never going and were going to make up an illness at the last minute.

Actually no. I was going to go in the end because we've been spending a lot of time together due both being made redundant at the same time. So we're helping each other quite a bit. I felt bad to then randomly fake sickness.

Why are you so bloody awkward

Realistically? Because I don't interact with "real" people very often. I have two local friends, but don't socialise in groups. It's been almost 15 years since I stopped having "normal" social interactions fur to where I live and working remotely.

I've also always been socially awkward.

Me too!!
Op the cat is out of the bag now so you can just say as your friend isn't welcome on the birthday trip that you will be spending the weekend with her - but l would still say in all honestly l was having doubts after l heard there would be kids coming too. If she decides not to speak to you again, well that's her choice. If it was me, l'd possibly be pissed off for a bit but wouldn't lose a friendship over.

As you have already accepted the first invitation and the individual budgets have been organised accordingly, it would be really shitty to drop out because you have a better offer.

If you didn't want the first invitation you should have declined.

I've also always been socially awkward.

But have you always been a liar?

If not, it's time to step back and ask yourself if any friendship is worth having if you can't be truthful with that person.

What budgets?

You can be socially awkward whilst at least trying to treat others decently. This pulling a last minute sickie is poor behaviour and it seems to have backfired on you if it's complicated things with your other friend.

I'd see this as a wake up call to try and rebuild your social skills.

I'm still a very good friend to her. I help her with all sorts of legal things, and I'm letting her use my address, she's listed as family on my employee assistance programme etc... We've helped them with buying their car, so we've been for her / them in practical terms.

Tell her the truth and let her decide what to do with it.

Are you still going to pay your share of the accommodation if you don't go?

Of course! That's the only fair thing to do.

This is a no-brainer. You don’t want to go and this is your perfect (and true) excuse so use it!

If she falls out with you for choosing to see your friend who you don’t see often due to distance that’s pathetic if you’re a good friend in other ways.

Tbh if I knew a guest’s bestie visit from abroad clashed with my celebration I’d say , depending on the nature of the event, either “bring them the more the merrier” or “I’d prefer if she doesn’t come as I don’t know them but I totally understand if you can’t make it anymore”.

I would definitely not think my birthday celebration was so important (to anyone else apart from myself) that they should not see or leave their friend from abroad behind.

This doesn't sound like a very equal friendship - she sounds like a user. What does she do for you? Perhaps you were only invited because she needed another mug to subsidise the accomodation.

I do agree though for future reference @Ethicaldebacle the planning to pull out at last minute is not a good or kind plan.

It’s just very unnecessary- you should work on building more confidence to enable you to say no to some invites without having to pretend you’re sick.

I had a friend do that one too many times and I cut her off. I never ever knew her to be unwell except for when she had a social event or when she didn’t want to take her kids to her ex.

The last time she did it to me was for my 28th birthday, just me and her were meant to be going out for dinner and then I was meeting up with some other friends for drinks. She wasn’t even that apologetic .

I stopped speaking to her shortly after. It would have been a bit different if it was a group event, but the fact she knew it was just me and her going out for dinner and she pulled that stunt was beyond me.

I do appreciate your situation is slightly different though as other people will be there even if you don’t show for your friend, but it’s still bad form to do that IMO.

You really sound like a very fickle friend and pretty Immature.

You are being unreasonable. You can't just invite randoms to other people's parties. It's not birthday girl's fault that you have agreed to accommodate two people at the same time.

You should honour the agreement you made first, and try to make up to the person who'll have to be left a bit disappointed.

Oh good here we go with “I’m socially awkward”, slight suggestion of neurodivergence being used to explain dodgy behaviour.

I think the honest thing to do is just to explain what’s happened but you cannot be all “oh woe is me, she’s so mean” if she’s pissed off. And for the love of god, just be honest, agreeing to do stuff then crying off with a poor excuse/ outright lie at the last minute is just shitty behaviour.

And yes FWIW I would have thought you were a CF asking me to invite someone I’ve never met to my birthday weekend as well.

What I think would have been decent would either (a) to have pulled out as soon as bringing kids was agreed if you didn’t want go, or (b) explained to visiting friend that you’d got a commitment that would need to be re-arranged in order to host them and then spoken to weekend friend to see if you could work something out or explained the situation honestly.

It’s not just a money issue either, even if everyone paid their share it’s a crap weekend if a significant people are no-shows, she might not have invited other people who would have come, even if not who wants to spend their birthday weekend in an empty house or fielding fake messages about tummy bugs?

This is a good learning experience for you, the cowardly and awkward way you dealt with the initial invite including kids has had consequences.

If you'd actually said at the time that you didn't want to come to a holiday with loads of kids, maybe someone could have taken your place, you might have suggested a different activity with that friend (two of you at a spa one night) and you'd be looking forward to your best friend coming to stay.

Can you have an honest conversation now with the initial invite, just say the number of kids is beyond what you could cope with and if there's anyone else she's knows that might want to come, that's because better all round. Emphasise you want to see her to do something else though. Don't text this, call her.