Can't decide between friends...

[Ethicaldebacle]

I've posted about my friend and her birthday weekend away. (Originally it was supposed to be child free, and then it turned out they're bringing kids...) So I really didn't want to go any more.

Anyway, so my best friend calls me yesterday and she told me she's coming to visit me as her work trip is allowing her to stay for an extra week, but she'd have to stay with to save on costs. No problem whatsoever, she's my best friend and lives across the pond so I only see her every 3 years or so.

So it turns out she's staying the same weekend as this other friend's weekend away. So I ask the birthday friend if I can bring my friend and she unilaterally said no. Fair enough it's her birthday, but at the same time I can't just leave my friend that I never get to see...

So who's being unreasonable?

Oh, absolutely ditch the birthday weekend. You don’t know anyone there except birthday girl, it’s going to be full of kids and nobody else loses money if you can’t go.

I don’t understand why you can’t just be honest, but if you’ve decided to lie, just carry on with the original plan. Lie on the day and stay with your bestie.

Because I know how those conversations go... Obviously now that the birthday girl knows my friend is here I can't use my original excuse, so I'll likely have to say the truth, which is that I can't leave my BFF alone.

Well that's what you get from not being honest.

You're clearly going to ditch birthday friend for your other friend. Do what you want but prepare for the friendship to be over. I would cut contact if a friend pulled out of a trip we'd organised because they got a better offer from someone else.

Let this be a lesson to you in communicating. Don't agree to things when you have no intention of following through. Be more honest.

To avoid conflict, I was just going to claim sickness.

This is just spineless though.

You should've told her the minute you decided you weren't going anymore.

YANBU to withdraw from the birthday weekend due to other attendees’ DC attending and/or your friend visiting from overseas.

YABU to have planned to pretend to be unwell.

It was unfair of your friend if she said it’d be adults only but changed that once people had committed / paid.

Not knowing other people on the trip seems irrelevant, since presumably you knew that before you committed.

I think be as honest as possible. “I hate to let you down, but I haven’t seen Pam in three years and I don’t know when I’ll get the chance again. I’d be leaving her on her own if I come, and I know you’ll still have a great time with the other girls”. Maybe plan a meal for just the two of you or similar to make it up to her.

You should have told her you weren’t going when she decided to invite children, this would have been a perfectly valid reason. Now it’s just going to look like you are ditching her for your other friend.

Really, I don't understand the problem. Pull your big girl pants on and just say no to the weekend as your friend is now coming and you can't leave her on her own. You asked, they said you couldn't bring her, so they will just have to understand you have to cancel. Do it straight away, don't be a wimp and leave it to the last minute.

You should have declined the birthday weekend before-hand if you didn't want to go. Obviously now it's going to look to the birthday weekend friend that you've dropped her for someone else.
Careful wording but but be honest - along the lines of your friend from overseas has just been in touch and it's your only chance to see her. Sorry, etc. and offer to do something else with birthday friend very soon on a 1-2-1?

I think BFF is the perfect and genuine excuse. You can't leave her alone. You offered birthday friend a compromise (bringing BFF). She said no, fair enough, but the result of that choice is that you can no longer go.

You don't need to make up something about illness which isn't true. Personally I would have politely dropped out earlier and said I wasn't keen on the kids being added to the dynamic and would look forward to treating her to a grown up celebration lunch some other time soon instead. The friends bringing kids may have no real choice because no childcare but you aren't obliged to go to something that wasn't what you signed up for.

@Ethicaldebacle - you say you don’t like confrontation but you would have been letting birthday trip friend down much more by dishonestly claiming to be ill on the day than telling her upfront. Most people don’t like confrontation. Part of being an adult is learning to have tricky conversations in a way that is respectful to all parties.

And now your US-based friend is over, you’re actually just throwing over the arrangement with birthday trip friend in favour of a later offer.

Can you see that your fear of confrontation is actually causing you to behave dishonestly and unfairly to your birthday trip friend?

I’ve been in similar shoes to you, OP, and realised that I was letting those around me down really badly with my behaviour.

In your shoes, if you value your friendship with birthday trip girl, I think I would be having a frank and honest conversation with her and apologise for letting her down and explaining your thinking.

This is a perfectly valid reason. Just say you understand, but unfortunately it means you won’t be able to come. Wish her a lovely birthday weekend and hope to see her soon.

I get not wanting to go on this weekend OP but you should be upfront about it and cancel in good time.

Why does the timing matter though? From what I can see it makes no real difference. It's not like she was prepping party bags or drinks or food.

Just tell her you'll do something with her afterwards but that you're spending that weekend with your friend as you never get the chance to see her. Tbh when she mentioned you wouldn't know anyone there except her, I'd have backed off. When she mentioned the children would be there, I'd have run for the hills.

Because it's the mature thing to do.

short / no notice is a downer for the organiser, even more so if they suspect dishonesty.

Don’t lie about being ill, just say now you can’t make it and send a nice bottle of something and a card via someone else who is going to the weekend.

I don't knot anyone, so that would be hard.

However (even when I was planning to fake sickness) I was going to send DH to their house with some wine/snacks/goodies

I really hate when people feign sickness to get out of something. Everyone knows you’re lying and it’s not a nice thing to do. Why can’t you just be honest?

Because I would have looked like a difficult person who clearly was the only one that didn't want to bring children.

It turned our everybody was happy to bring their brood.

In which case you should have had the guts to cancel when that became apparent. People who plan to lie their way out of situations like this are dishonest and weak. Just be grateful the arrival of your friend from overseas has provided you with a ready made excuse.

You planned to involve DH too!

Suggest working on your assertiveness.