Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

I agree. I think that once people leave the world of work they become a little bit acopic. What they perceive to be difficult or a lot of work just isn't. But their perception has been reset and I guess they get stressed or overwhelmed at a much lower level.

Being a provider is a title just as being a homemaker and carer is

Why is it that being a homemaker, providing emotional support for the whole family including the working person, is seen as a holiday? It's not and after decades of taking care of everyone, you deserve a well earned break!

Going back to work isn't necessary and shouldn't be seen as the main acceptable option

She has toddler twins and another one and it's easy!
Said no one ever.

And not every teenager will experience a mental health crisis.
There's just as many sahp sitting at home twiddling their thumbs while their teenager goes from school to sports to hanging out with friends .

By all means see what life throws at you and how as a family it will be dealt with but I can't see how it justifies deciding now you will not work.

I don’t think so.

But what there has been is an outlook that a SAHP is supporting a working parent instead of it being a joint effort/two way street where they each support the other.

And my own bugbear in general with the conversation in general on MN is that what’s overlooked is the actual work. The discussion is usually focused on working mothers having to do parent tasks on top of working. What is overlooked IMO is how difficult work can be. How hard it can be to put in a day’s work, with all the different challenges and politics involved.

Yet some women seem to be magically fine with 'corporate slaves' when it is their DH doing it and they get to be a SAHM.

Why is it that when men are working, they are providers but when women are working, they are 'corporate slaves'?

I have 2 daughters and will never advise them to be SAHM's.

But if you don't work, it is his money. It's 2025. If you kids are at school and you are a SAHP then you are both economically inactive and societally worthless.
I don't understand why some people don't have self respect. I love and trust my husband. But I don't want to lose my financial independence or put unnecessary pressure on him while I just sit on my laurels.

Life and expectations change. It sounds like you made this decision together and, as you say, for the most part, it worked. But now your situation is changing, it's reasonable to reconsider goals and expectations and have multiple conversations about what the future and retirement looks like to both of you.

I would assume someone was joking if they said there were retiring once the children had left home, but only you will know if it was an off the cuff remark said in jest. Maybe they just meant the childcare element of their life was mainly finished and now they could do something else that they'd been putting on hold, like studying or learning a new skill or something like that.

I completely understand that resentment builds when you're the only breadwinner and (from the sounds of it) you are responsible for all financial decisions. But you can't change the past, so what would help you move on together? Would you still be resentful if your partner did something "useful" like study or training of some sort? Would you be resentful if they did volunteer work? Or got a part time job? Even if they got a full time job, it can't erase the fact you were and are carrying the financial load. I think it would be helpful to consider what you actually want before having another discussion with your partner. e.g. Would two incomes enable you to retire earlier, so you can both enjoy retirement together? If so, work together towards that shared goal. What does retirement look like to both of you? Is it staying close to home, going out for the occasional meal, one international holiday a year; or is it travelling the world or discovering new hobbies or a combination? What do you talk about now the children are adults?

If you read it again, you’ll see that I was calling the DH the corporate slave.

Would you advise your daughters to have children? I certainly haven’t.

Why is it that being a homemaker, providing emotional support for the whole family including the working person, is seen as a holiday?

And a working parent doesn't provide emotional support? Posts like yours are really insulting but I suppose you need to big up the SAHM role.

Are you struggling financially OP? Obviously that can make a big difference to the urgency of someone returning to work. If someone's earning £250k a year and the other will bring in minimum wage then that is different to being on £35k.

I think a mistake they made was saying they are retiring. That would get anyone’s back up.

Staying at home with kids is no picnic. It's bloody hard and many women don't get a break.

It shouldn't be trivialised or seen as a luxury, it's also work from which you never switch off or have set days off - after decades, it's perfectly understandable that a woman enjoy a bit of time to herself

I mean after the kids are babies, what does the working parent really do in the house - when the kids are at school, mums are usually cleaning, running errands for the working parent as well as the kids, ironing, washing etc

I wonder what 50/50 housework looks like for the op, for me it just sounds like picking up your socks, putting on a load of washing

Being a sahp is still work

I'm glad that it now doesn't seem to be a thing that women are just expected to do at a certain life stage. I'd tell them to think carefully about it and if it is something that they really want but like I said, that seems to be more standard now.

That’s exactly what I’m saying - we both work, it’s our money because we both contribute to it. FWIW I’m the higher earner.

I would never (ever) rely on someone else financially, and I would be absolutely nobody’s housewife.

It’s not a title I’ve heard used conversationally, carer yes, SAHP yes, “homemaker” maybe in the past not a term I’ve heard recently.

I never said being a SAHP is a holiday.
Why does the “provider” not deserve a break after years of work?

In some situations of course going to work is necessary. People need money, they need money for bills & to fund a pension, for a safety net, to protect against future health issues.

An example was given of a high earner who is happy to stay working because he doesn’t want to do any cooking & cleaning. Fair enough that’s a joint decision where everyone is happy. The Op is not in that situation.

Why isn’t the provider also entitled to a break after decades of providing for everyone?

if dh decided he was “retired” and needed a break when the kids left for uni, and I was expected to work another 15 years at least so we had money and pensions, i would not be happy either.

like in said if you really love someone why would you force them to carry on working when they don’t want to so you don’t have to?

if dh is retiring, so am i. I am not working until nearly 70 while he retires in his 50’s, I want to enjoy retirement too.

so he gets a job. Even a minimum wage job will take 10 years off my retirement age and means we both retire at 60.

if dh thought so little of me he was happy to put me in that situation I’d be seriously thinking of divorce.

Does the sahp have the full requirement of contributions to her state pension.
i would say the sahp now works until they are 67 like everyone else.
and the worker no longer contributes to the sahp’s pension or joint savings but keeps the money he earns for his retirement.

Does it come with a company/private pension that OP’s partner can ‘retire’ on? 🤷🏻‍♀️

The SAHP should be retiring at the same time as the working partner.
Your a team right?
I also think the SAHP should be doing all the household chores If the other person has a FT job.

It sounds like the only person you are trying to convince is yourself.

Do you think working parents go off to work and forget their children exist for the working day? No of course they don't switch off.

My set days off are days with my children. Not exactly a day off if you claim it is so hard.

If the SAHP had been instead employed as a guide at the 2012 Olympics, would they have said "my job is done and I'm retiring" when they finished?
When your job becomes no longer necessary you don't say "well that was the only job I will do in my life, that's me finished", you get another job. Unless you are financially in a position where you can retire. If you got made redundant, would you retire because your job was finished?

Presumably, they are still going to be a "stay at home spouse", doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning, but will have a much less busy job without teenagers to run around after?

If so, they are being perfectly reasonable. The "breadwinner" and their career has benefitted from the SAHPs contribution for many years.

The SAHP has nothing on their CV and no experience of the working world; it would be unfair to expect them to try and find a job now.

😄😄😄 I'm not trying to convince myself

I think that there's a lot of jealousy towards women who sah, and that's influencing some of the responses 🤷

Of course the sahm is not being unreasonable

A lot of "I am almighty provider" types are, when all is said and done, terrified of spending more than a few hours per evening with their kids because, deep down, they know they don't have what it takes to give them any more. They don't know how to give any more - they just don't have it in them, for whatever reason.

So they hide in their self-professed all-important job title and use it as validation for their own inadequacy elsewhere. Those people know who they are. The thing that terrifies them most would be the thought of a few days, unstructured and alone with their own kids. They just can't cope.

Yes, their partner's, who have that pension due to the free childcare and home maintenance they recieved 🙌

What, like every Saturday, Sunday, bank holiday and school break?