AIBU-Partner taking baby away?

[HannahXlouise]

Hello AIBU?
I have a 8M old baby whom is still exclusively breastfed. Baby is offered 3 meals a day and take small sips of water but still has a significant feed of milk every 2/3 hours. My health visitor said this is okay as I shouldn’t decrease feeds until baby is 1.
This week baby has been put a stool softener/laxative, and I was advised by the dr told keep fluids up for the next month whilst he’s on the medication, so I offer him feeds every 2 hours and have found this to be great as he is no longer getting up at night to feed! Great for me and baby as we are both well rested.
The problem my partner is having, is he can only take baby to see his family for a couple of hours at a time as I have had an extremely difficult relationship with them, for my own mental wellbeing I have decided not to see them as I feel bullied and they (his mother) is extremely controlling and narcissistic.
My partner has been going to therapy to come to terms with this as subsequently he is being controlling. I gave baby a big feed at 9am and he went to leave with the baby and I said to him to remember to be back in a couple of hours for his next feed, it was a warm day today (we live down south)
also so he would have needed to be back at that time regardless of him being on medication never mind with out. As he left he said he will be back when he wants and that will be at 2pm instead of 12/12.30. As any mother whom breastfed a baby knows that 5 hours is extremely impractical.
He said the baby’s “need is for him to see his grandparents” well I personally don’t agree as I think a baby’s “need” is to be fed and with its mother! I personally don’t agree with nor want him to have to take my baby away to see them but for the sake of my relationship I allowed it. But it seems to be not good enough.
I don’t mind if he’s a little late at all but when he’s over double the time he should be away that’s when it’s a problem.
I feel that he isn’t putting my child’s needs first at all and doing it to please his mother.
I contacted him and explained that I don’t want him getting dehydrated ect.. he reluctantly agreed but was still 40 minutes late. Last time this was over an hour.
I don’t feel like I can trust him with taking my baby to see them is he’s going to ruin his routine and not bring him back for feeds.
And before anyone suggests it he’s I have tried pumping and giving a bottle but he point blank refuses to take it and this has effected me going back to work so I’ve had to push it back.
I am happy for his parents to come to the house but subsequently they don’t want to see me as I set boundaries with them and they don’t like it.
I have asked my health visitor is she would explain that it’s not okay to do this but I fear this will just antagonise him.
There has been a few situations that I have been made to feel u comfortable with when my partner has been alone with baby (that’s a whole other post in itself)
Should I set stronger boundaries? but I don’t know what it will take for him to realise that I am making all my decisions based on my child’s needs.
many thanks. 🙏🏼

You say "my baby", the child has two parents so shouldn't it be "our baby"? I think you are being very controlling.

The NHS knows very little about breastfeeding in my experience. My son wasn’t going 5ish hours without a feed until over 9 months.

The feeding every two hours is a temporary measure recommended by the doctor:

This week baby has been put a stool softener/laxative, and I was advised by the dr told keep fluids up for the next month whilst he’s on the medication, so I offer him feeds every 2 hours

She is following medical advice and hasn't said no to him visiting with the baby but has asked for a shorter visit. The fact that her DH refused to do this and threw a tantrum is a sign that he doesn't have the baby's best interests at heart.

You sound really controlling

Not sure why some posters are seemingly ignoring this important tidbit.

OP literally says this week, posted yesterday, therefore it’s only the first week and her DH is already complaining.

Because they are actually reading the posters OP and not just the tidbit you are interested in
She says at the beginning

"baby is offered 3 meals a day and take small sips of water but still has a significant feed of milk every 2/3 hours."

The feed every two hours isnt what the gp recommended to prevent dehydration, it is what OP was doing all along and what she has decided to do.

He isn’t just upsetting you, he is making your baby skip a feed. I would take your child and move out over this. Denying a baby access to its primary food source is hugely problematic.

The issue here is your DP’s Mother and your DP’s inability to stand up for himself - if she is a bully and controlling then it’s very likely he is under pressure from her to turn up regularly with the baby and she’s not happy when DP announces after one hour that it’s time to go. If he’s late back could it be the his DM has insisted that they stay longer and he’s given in.

You don’t like DP’s Mother and she doesn’t like you but she and your child aren’t going anywhere so what’s your plan dealing with her going forward?

This is nothing to do with breast feeding - you have a DP and MIL issue which is only going to get worse.

Why should you be dictating how long he takes 'your' baby away for? There are lots of 'my baby' bits in your post. Is he not the baby's father? If he is, then it should be 'our baby'. You both made him and your both equally responsible, but also both able to make decisions.

You’ve been posting about this arsehole since last November.

I’ve no idea why you haven’t done anything with the advice given in January @HannahXlouise

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5256985-separating-with-a-baby

Dr didn't say breast feeding....fluids can be in food, syringe, cup

Then he would have access to baby anyway. Although again she says in that post issues she won't go into.

Have you read the post? I mean that as a serious question.

I did read that, hard not to when it is the first few lines. 🙄

I also read the part where OP says by doing what she is doing on top of the medication, her and baby are getting a full night’s sleep which is a great thing.

Don’t see how her DH choosing to take the baby away for up to 5 hours and choosing to be late is absolutely fine, knowing baby is exclusively bf, only takes sips of water and won’t accept a bottle of milk.

I’ve exclusively breastfed three children and only the oldest would accept a bottle at OP’s baby’s age, the second hated bottles, but liked a sippy cup after 12 mo and the third I’m currently breastfeeding who’s 18 months refuses to take milk from anything but me, but will take water from a straw-style water bottle (around 10 mo) and eat watery fruits. Yet, no issues from my parents, DH, in-laws about it. Didn’t harm the relationship between my children and their grandparents, nor mine with my DH, parents, or in-laws.

She isn’t stopping her DH from taking baby over there completely and the in-laws could just as easy lump it if they really wanted to visit the baby at OP and their son’s home. Not that hard to be polite when necessary. The baby will get better anyway so a few shorter visits is not going to do any harm to the grandparents.

@TeenLifeMum Bullshit.

When my breastfed baby was a newborn he was eating every 1-3 hours, on demand. If I had made him go 4 hours, he would be screaming with hunger.

Now he is 8 months he eats every 2.5 hours. He does sleep through the night 7-7 so he needs to get his calories in the day.

And any midwife or lactation consultant will tell you that's perfectly normal.

Do this. Get away from him.

Your 8mo baby has milk every 2.5 hours?

You're repeatedly saying 'My baby ... My child ...'

This may be part of the problem.

Actually, he's 'Our baby ... Our child...'

Your instructions do come across as rather controlling and dictatorial.

I wonder if your partner is feeling pushed out, and his mother is sensing this and speaking up for him? Could that be why you're not comfortable around her?

It's a good idea for the father to be able to look after his own child, to be used to doing it as the norm in case there's an emergency for you, and for the baby to socialise with grandparents.

If it's the current thinking that max X time away from mum, X time between feeds is best, etc, then share that with him, with evidence.

But maybe relax a bit and accept that family includes father and grandparents.

You are too controlling. Next it will be he doesn’t do anything with my child . Well that’s because you undermine him .

@TeenLifeMum during the day, yes. He sleeps 7-7 so he needs to get his calories in the day. Pretty normal for a breastfed baby.

He's with the nanny in the day and gets expressed milk and we can see how much milk he's getting. Anywhere between 3-5 US ounces.

The bottom line is your relationship with your in laws is bad and you don't want to see them, and they won't come to your house so hard luck they don't get to see the baby.

Your husband needs to learn to put his baby's needs ahead of his own controlling parents.

When your baby is out of routine and fussing all night or waking again I hope it’s your partner who is getting up and settling them down again.

I’ve not come across that - with a toddler and baby twins we definitely weren’t feeding every 2.5 hours. It was 2.5 to 3 hours when they were underweight but once in solids it was less frequent and they slept through the night. They definitely got enough calories as they gained weight. I don’t think milk that frequently is the norm even if it’s the norm for your baby. Like you say though, you express. Op isn’t.

Baby eats solids so isn't exclusively BF Significant 2 hourly feeds is likely to reduce babys desire to eat solids and impact oral development babies need to chew and develop mouth muscles for speech. Effectively the boob is a dummy the question is if mummy is using it for her benefit or the toddlers.