AIBU-Partner taking baby away?

[HannahXlouise]

Hello AIBU?
I have a 8M old baby whom is still exclusively breastfed. Baby is offered 3 meals a day and take small sips of water but still has a significant feed of milk every 2/3 hours. My health visitor said this is okay as I shouldn’t decrease feeds until baby is 1.
This week baby has been put a stool softener/laxative, and I was advised by the dr told keep fluids up for the next month whilst he’s on the medication, so I offer him feeds every 2 hours and have found this to be great as he is no longer getting up at night to feed! Great for me and baby as we are both well rested.
The problem my partner is having, is he can only take baby to see his family for a couple of hours at a time as I have had an extremely difficult relationship with them, for my own mental wellbeing I have decided not to see them as I feel bullied and they (his mother) is extremely controlling and narcissistic.
My partner has been going to therapy to come to terms with this as subsequently he is being controlling. I gave baby a big feed at 9am and he went to leave with the baby and I said to him to remember to be back in a couple of hours for his next feed, it was a warm day today (we live down south)
also so he would have needed to be back at that time regardless of him being on medication never mind with out. As he left he said he will be back when he wants and that will be at 2pm instead of 12/12.30. As any mother whom breastfed a baby knows that 5 hours is extremely impractical.
He said the baby’s “need is for him to see his grandparents” well I personally don’t agree as I think a baby’s “need” is to be fed and with its mother! I personally don’t agree with nor want him to have to take my baby away to see them but for the sake of my relationship I allowed it. But it seems to be not good enough.
I don’t mind if he’s a little late at all but when he’s over double the time he should be away that’s when it’s a problem.
I feel that he isn’t putting my child’s needs first at all and doing it to please his mother.
I contacted him and explained that I don’t want him getting dehydrated ect.. he reluctantly agreed but was still 40 minutes late. Last time this was over an hour.
I don’t feel like I can trust him with taking my baby to see them is he’s going to ruin his routine and not bring him back for feeds.
And before anyone suggests it he’s I have tried pumping and giving a bottle but he point blank refuses to take it and this has effected me going back to work so I’ve had to push it back.
I am happy for his parents to come to the house but subsequently they don’t want to see me as I set boundaries with them and they don’t like it.
I have asked my health visitor is she would explain that it’s not okay to do this but I fear this will just antagonise him.
There has been a few situations that I have been made to feel u comfortable with when my partner has been alone with baby (that’s a whole other post in itself)
Should I set stronger boundaries? but I don’t know what it will take for him to realise that I am making all my decisions based on my child’s needs.
many thanks. 🙏🏼

Neither of you get to decide this. You're setting yourself up for a situation where he just decides to 'take the baby' As he's the babies other parent, he's not required to have your consent.
I divorced when my ds was 2. When he was 8 months old, his dad started showing behaviours that were abusive. Aside from the physical abuse, he started 'taking the baby' to see his mum whenever he wanted (I had no relationship with his mum due to problems) there wasn't anything i could do. Eventually it culminated in his trying to 'keep the baby' and trying to lock me out of my own house.
Look at the behaviours you are seeing, is this the way a loving partner acts? How a loving father acts? Asking a health visitor to speak to him won't have any effect. You need to seriously look at your relationship between you and your relationship as parents. Is it sustainable? Are you hanging on to breast feeding so that you dont 'have' to leave the baby with him?
Yes, there is the fear that sits with us that they can be a bit useless etc, but is he actually a danger? All he has to be is 'good enough' your baby isn't an age where he needs to be constantly breast-feeding, if he's using a cup anyway, then express the milk and put it in a cup.

You do sound controlling and an 8 month old baby can go for 4 or 5 hours without breastfeeding. It sounds like an excuse to be honest, you've already said you don't want him to take the baby at all. Also, you refer to 'my son' and 'my baby' but your partner is the baby's father and has equal responsibility for his parenting.

You haven't said what your concerns are about when your partner has been alone with the baby. This is obviously relevant if you are concerned about his ability to keep the baby safe.

Something else is clearly going on. You won't be able to use the "I've got to breastfeed baby" every 2 hours for much longer.

If your DH told you that DC couldn’t have contact with your parents, he’d be called controlling and abusive. You really should try to facilitate their contact.

I would probably go with partner and baby in the car. Then let partner go in the house for an hour with the baby and then bring back to you in the car (or you could pop to get a takeaway coffee or something) and then all drive home together.

that’s the only way I would be okay with this

If your baby is on solids they are not "exclusively" breastfed.

I think the issue here is about relationships and not about how long an 8 month old can go without breastfeeding. If baby eats solids and drinks water then technically they can have some water and a bit of food and just breastfeed a little later. But I think it's more about that you really don't get along with his parents, and maybe it's really upsetting you that he's okay with that, and he's taking baby to visit even though you feel mistreated by them? Ithink it's important as a couple to be a team and enforce the boundaries together, it must be a bit hurtful that he instead goes off to see them with baby and leaves you at home. (Hard to know without the causes of the conflict as to why you don't get along)

You are both a bit unreasonable . It would be reasonable to Dad to take baby away from you for 4 hours , any more is tough. Baby can have food , water etc…

Tricky because to be honest you both sound like you’re trying to control the other.
You refer to “my baby” all the way through, never “our baby” - I assume your “DP” is baby’s dad? it says a lot about the way you view him and his role in your family.
to be honest if my partner was trying to obstruct me from taking our children to visit my parents then I’d be pushing back too.

Agreed, dads back then were extremely hands off and it wasn’t a good thing. Women were ‘expected’ to do that not because it was right.

I think you are being unreasonable @HannahXlouise. You talk about MY baby a lot. The baby is both of yours. The dad is a parent as well. You talk about him dictating, but you're dictating. How can you both communicate better so no one is feeling controlled? The thing is it sounds like you don't trust him with the baby. It comes across like your suggesting that he doesn't have the babies best interests at heart. That would absolutely get my back up as a parent. If you genuinely have any safeguarding concerns then you need to raise them, document them, keep a record of them, discuss them with your H. Then know that unless the concerns are terrible if you leave him he will have unsupervised contact with the child. And on his time he can do what he wants with whomever he wants without your input.

Anyhow,I would have said love I know your taking the baby to your parents. I've been feeding the baby every 2 hours with the medication and this heat. We can push that back a bit it he/ she has some food with liquid in it maybe some cucumber pieces or melon. Try and get a bit of wate them. They will probably be gasping by 12, so please make your way back.

I wouldn't sweat an hour late. I think your distain for his parents is colouring your view.

All the red flags here are coming from you. You're being a martyr to breastfeeding so that you get to control everything baby related (see also - not returning to work). Your baby's relationship with his father and arguably his extended family is something which will have a long term impact on his life. The fact that your breastfed him every two hours will be forgotten before the kid is 4. I BF my kids too, but I stopped when it was no longer practical for our lives.

Unpopular on Mumsnet but don't make the mistake that extreme attachment parenting = good parenting.

I doubt that an 8 month old baby is happy to be away from their mother that long. Yanbu and I would be very upset with him.

Well you’ll have to learn to be away from the baby for longer than 2 hours when you guys inevitably break up

Newborns have milk every 4 hours (my premature babies needed it every 2-3 hours) so I think you’re using feeding the 8mo breast milk that regularly as an excuse and quite unfair on your dp. If you want you can express. You’re not the superior patient over the other parent. Sometimes this means compromise.

YABU. You're using breastfeeding to control your child's relationship with their family, and control your partner's interactions with his child.

At eight months , a lot of women are back at work, of course you don’t have to breastfeed a baby of that age every 2 hours.
If you are really against giving the baby water or actual food, you could express so that DH could give them a bottle.
You are being unfair to DH, it’s his baby too. Unless you honestly think the baby will be harmed by seeing his family, let him take the baby out for a morning, or even a whole day.

None of my children would have lasted 5 hours without a milk feed at that age so I totally empathise and hope you can work it out, what a tough situation xx

Neither of you gets to dictate to the other, you are both parents. However, in this circumstance, you have your baby’s best interests at heart whereas your partner has his parents best interests at heart. Both of you should be centering the baby and their needs, rather than problematic family members.

What does the baby drink water from? A bottle or a cup? Could you try putting expressed milk in a cup instead of a bottle? And when you’ve tried the bottle before, were you around? DD would never accept a bottle of milk if I was in the house, but if she was alone with DH and was hungry, she’d take it.

I think it's really depends on how distressed your baby will be going that long without BF, and how much solids he actually eats. Its all well and good stating they can go 4-6hours without milk, but BF is more than milk, it's comfort and bonding. Some older babies will go hours without it, others want it constantly.

My DS2 was obsessed with BF and a bottle refuser. He didn't really eat enough substantial solids until 1, even when he started at nursery at 9mths and wouldn't BF all day (8am-6pm)

I think you need to reassure him this is just for the next couple of months until baby gets to grips with solids and drinking water and Hess have 17 years of long and even overnight visits to his family when baby is ready

A compromise could be that they all meet in town and op pops out to a coffee shop and feeds baby next door to the pub they're in then she goes home and DH brings baby back into the pub with his family for another couple hours

I do think you need to try to get to a place where you can spend time in the same room as grandparents thoigh for babys sake could you all agree to ground rules like topics that are off limits

I disagree with this. I didn't breastfeed for long directly (pumped for 6 months though) and I think it's on the person doing the feeds and having that intimate connection wit baby and doing all the discussions with health visitor etc to decide and infants feeding needs and schedule
And family who love baby should support this (even if they role their eyes)

You HAD to do this though. Op doesn't.

the thing about BF is it's about comfort and relationship with the BF mother - and a baby who is used to that may be distressed without it. I think it's hard to translate this for babies used to being fed by bottle.

I had a baby who refused bottles until about 10 months so I do understrand.

however, I also had a baby I kept breastfeeding when I went back to work - never expressed, they just got used to it being different in the day - so it's always a complex situation of what baby gets used to

It sounds like your husband is not putting the childs needs first here and is causing tension where it's not needed

seeing relatives is not comparable to the mother having to return to work.