Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-Partner taking baby away?

103 replies

HannahXlouise · 03/05/2025 18:40

Hello AIBU?
I have a 8M old baby whom is still exclusively breastfed. Baby is offered 3 meals a day and take small sips of water but still has a significant feed of milk every 2/3 hours. My health visitor said this is okay as I shouldn’t decrease feeds until baby is 1.
This week baby has been put a stool softener/laxative, and I was advised by the dr told keep fluids up for the next month whilst he’s on the medication, so I offer him feeds every 2 hours and have found this to be great as he is no longer getting up at night to feed! Great for me and baby as we are both well rested.
The problem my partner is having, is he can only take baby to see his family for a couple of hours at a time as I have had an extremely difficult relationship with them, for my own mental wellbeing I have decided not to see them as I feel bullied and they (his mother) is extremely controlling and narcissistic.
My partner has been going to therapy to come to terms with this as subsequently he is being controlling. I gave baby a big feed at 9am and he went to leave with the baby and I said to him to remember to be back in a couple of hours for his next feed, it was a warm day today (we live down south)
also so he would have needed to be back at that time regardless of him being on medication never mind with out. As he left he said he will be back when he wants and that will be at 2pm instead of 12/12.30. As any mother whom breastfed a baby knows that 5 hours is extremely impractical.
He said the baby’s “need is for him to see his grandparents” well I personally don’t agree as I think a baby’s “need” is to be fed and with its mother! I personally don’t agree with nor want him to have to take my baby away to see them but for the sake of my relationship I allowed it. But it seems to be not good enough.
I don’t mind if he’s a little late at all but when he’s over double the time he should be away that’s when it’s a problem.
I feel that he isn’t putting my child’s needs first at all and doing it to please his mother.
I contacted him and explained that I don’t want him getting dehydrated ect.. he reluctantly agreed but was still 40 minutes late. Last time this was over an hour.
I don’t feel like I can trust him with taking my baby to see them is he’s going to ruin his routine and not bring him back for feeds.
And before anyone suggests it he’s I have tried pumping and giving a bottle but he point blank refuses to take it and this has effected me going back to work so I’ve had to push it back.
I am happy for his parents to come to the house but subsequently they don’t want to see me as I set boundaries with them and they don’t like it.
I have asked my health visitor is she would explain that it’s not okay to do this but I fear this will just antagonise him.
There has been a few situations that I have been made to feel u comfortable with when my partner has been alone with baby (that’s a whole other post in itself)
Should I set stronger boundaries? but I don’t know what it will take for him to realise that I am making all my decisions based on my child’s needs.
many thanks. 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 09:14

Ughn0tryte · 03/05/2025 20:25

Your breastfed baby needs you for more than 'feeds'. You are not a feeding machine, you are their comfort, their home, their safe space and above all, their mum.
What you say goes.
Not the partner who is more interested in advocating the needs of his mum/dad than his partner, you - your choice.
Babies do not understand that you are round the corner. They do not have the concept.
Back 20-50 years ago, the idea that a man would remove a baby from their mum and hand them over to his mum/dad for any reason would be seen as bizarre. Why? Because the interest is about soothing the adults and not what is best for a baby.
Go and get your infant and stop supporting a choice of separating you and them. Your partner wants his mum/dad to enjoy your baby? He can bring them to your home for an hour when it suits you and the baby.
This is not about feeds, this is about your partner taking your baby to see two people who don't enjoy your company.

I agree it sounds like the grandparents are welcome to sit in your living room but they refuse to that's on them

Pikablue · 04/05/2025 09:14

At 8 months presumably they are having some solids and they can have water, so it's not like their only sustinence is from breast milk. Its normal for someone to want their child to see their family, just because you dislike them and have drawn boundaries for yourself it doesn't mean these should also apply on your demand to him and his child also. You need to talk about this.

JMSA · 04/05/2025 09:18

“My baby”
”My child”

Interesting.

Picklechicken · 04/05/2025 09:20

Pikablue · 04/05/2025 09:14

At 8 months presumably they are having some solids and they can have water, so it's not like their only sustinence is from breast milk. Its normal for someone to want their child to see their family, just because you dislike them and have drawn boundaries for yourself it doesn't mean these should also apply on your demand to him and his child also. You need to talk about this.

I agree, in a normal situation. But - what’s the backstory with his family? I think this is key to everything here. What’s actually happened with them? It sounds like you don’t actually want your baby around them - which may be understandable depending on the circumstances, and if your dh isn’t supportive of that it’s going to drive a wedge between you. (I know what it’s like to be no contact with family - dh is no contact with all of his, and I had an abusive and alcoholic mother, my only family).

thepariscrimefiles · 04/05/2025 09:37

Stopping you breast feeding your baby is abusive and you need to contact Women's Aid. He is being ridiculous and cruel when he says that the baby's need is to see its grandparents, rather than being fed by its mother on medical advice to keep its fluid intake up.

He is putting his own and his parents' needs before the baby's needs which makes him a horrible dad.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 04/05/2025 09:41

lookingfortheadult · 03/05/2025 18:56

I think there are some big issues in your relationship that you need to address or at the very least consider. Your post sounds like a battle, not a partnership.

I also exclusively breastfed but by 8 months, I think most babies can handle more than a couple of hours between feeds and as the father, he should be capable of managing medication.

Whilst I absolutely believe that baby comes first, I do think some parts of your post sound very much that you’re dictating all decisions regarding parenting and this could come across quite combative. Your partners response isn’t great but I’d assume is the result of his own frustration that he also can’t articulate. If you are equal parents, you should be able to discuss what’s best for your child without needing to set boundaries or issue demands. I’d also consider what boundaries he might want to set - these likely conflict greatly with yours.

I would agree. I ebf all of ours, to natural weaning so am the opposite of anti breastfeeding, but this circumstance is difficult. If he were making sure baby got enough fluids and any medication at suitable times, then he should be able to take his own 8 Month old out to see his family for a few hours, especially as you won't see them.

bruffin · 04/05/2025 10:08

thepariscrimefiles · 04/05/2025 09:37

Stopping you breast feeding your baby is abusive and you need to contact Women's Aid. He is being ridiculous and cruel when he says that the baby's need is to see its grandparents, rather than being fed by its mother on medical advice to keep its fluid intake up.

He is putting his own and his parents' needs before the baby's needs which makes him a horrible dad.

To use breastfeeding to gatekeep parenting is cruel to the baby as well. Its interfering with its creating relationships with his family.

Mulledjuice · 04/05/2025 10:51

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 09:13

You HAD to do this though. Op doesn't.

Show quote history

OP has said she's had to push back her start date for work because her baby won't take a bottle. I'm pointing out that EBF babies often work round longer absences from their mothers, they don't have to be together to nurse every 2 hours if that is stopping OP doing things she wants or needs to do.

I also maintain that it's no bad thing for OP's partner to learn to look after the baby for more than 2 hours at a stretch.

If OP doesn't want to then she doesn't want to but it sounds as though it will be a tension she needs to work through with her OH

SALaw · 04/05/2025 11:02

Mrsdyna · 03/05/2025 22:02

I doubt that an 8 month old baby is happy to be away from their mother that long. Yanbu and I would be very upset with him.

Many babies this age are in childcare or dad has taken shared parental leave and mum is back at work. They are totally fine

Meadowfinch · 04/05/2025 11:03

I'd sit your partner down and explain that in order to co-parent effectively, you have to be able to trust him to put the child's needs first. And you can't

My ex pulled a stunt like this, not over breast feeding but taking a very small child into an awful adult hospital environment, without my knowledge, where he was terrified. Ds came back sobbing, clinging, refusing to let go.

I didn't let DS out of my sight again until he was at school, and ex & me split.

You need to be blunt with your partner, this is a deal breaker. If he can't be trusted to care for his child properly, openly and honestly then the whole relationship is in jeopardy. His mother's wishes are irrelevant and he needs to grow a spine.

dairydebris · 04/05/2025 11:29

Meadowfinch · 04/05/2025 11:03

I'd sit your partner down and explain that in order to co-parent effectively, you have to be able to trust him to put the child's needs first. And you can't

My ex pulled a stunt like this, not over breast feeding but taking a very small child into an awful adult hospital environment, without my knowledge, where he was terrified. Ds came back sobbing, clinging, refusing to let go.

I didn't let DS out of my sight again until he was at school, and ex & me split.

You need to be blunt with your partner, this is a deal breaker. If he can't be trusted to care for his child properly, openly and honestly then the whole relationship is in jeopardy. His mother's wishes are irrelevant and he needs to grow a spine.

How is taking a child to visit their grandparents for a couple of hours failing to care for that child properly?

ThinWomansBrain · 04/05/2025 11:41

Darkambergingerlily · 03/05/2025 21:07

I would probably go with partner and baby in the car. Then let partner go in the house for an hour with the baby and then bring back to you in the car (or you could pop to get a takeaway coffee or something) and then all drive home together.

that’s the only way I would be okay with this

this - but sod sitting in the car or getting a takeaway coffee

Find a nice restaurant & have a break when you get there - or any activity that you enjoy doing by yourself.

Mrsdyna · 04/05/2025 13:02

SALaw · 04/05/2025 11:02

Many babies this age are in childcare or dad has taken shared parental leave and mum is back at work. They are totally fine

Show quote history

Hers isn't and so won't be.

NaiceBalonz · 04/05/2025 13:07

thepariscrimefiles · 04/05/2025 09:37

Stopping you breast feeding your baby is abusive and you need to contact Women's Aid. He is being ridiculous and cruel when he says that the baby's need is to see its grandparents, rather than being fed by its mother on medical advice to keep its fluid intake up.

He is putting his own and his parents' needs before the baby's needs which makes him a horrible dad.

Oh give over.

NaiceBalonz · 04/05/2025 13:08

SALaw · 04/05/2025 11:02

Many babies this age are in childcare or dad has taken shared parental leave and mum is back at work. They are totally fine

Show quote history

This is Mumsnet, where apparently children can't be away from mummy until 14 because of the 'special bond'.. or whatever.

EmmaJane2025 · 04/05/2025 13:09

At 8 months old he doesn’t need to be fed every 2 hours that’s ridiculous. You’re over feeding him if that’s the case.

BellissimoGecko · 04/05/2025 13:10

What other situations have you felt uncomfortable with?

jannier · 04/05/2025 13:12

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 09:12

I disagree with this. I didn't breastfeed for long directly (pumped for 6 months though) and I think it's on the person doing the feeds and having that intimate connection wit baby and doing all the discussions with health visitor etc to decide and infants feeding needs and schedule
And family who love baby should support this (even if they role their eyes)

Show quote history

Or I'm otherwords the one controlling baby and denying a bond with the father.
Why are dosny BF mums so intent on controlling access to baby and alienating the father?

jannier · 04/05/2025 13:12

BellissimoGecko · 04/05/2025 13:10

What other situations have you felt uncomfortable with?

She won't say

cherish123 · 04/05/2025 13:14

5 hours is actually fine as child is on solid food so won't get hungry. If you want him to drink milk in this time, you could express.

Threecraws · 04/05/2025 13:15

In general I think a father should be able to take baby out for 5 hours at that age and it shouldn't be a problem. However it sounds like the backstory is really the issue here rather than the baby getting dehydrated so it's difficult to be sure but I feel like you may have good reason to set such boundaries.

Never2many · 04/05/2025 13:16

TBH as soon as someone utters the word narcissist on here I roll my eyes and lose interest.

And amazing that it’s always the MIL.

You sound completely controlling, and somehow I doubt his mother is a narcissist, you just don’t like her, but as this is MN people will agree with you.

If you split up he would get far more than two hours at a time access, and by the time the baby is two he’ll be getting overnights.

Just saying.

jannier · 04/05/2025 13:17

Meadowfinch · 04/05/2025 11:03

I'd sit your partner down and explain that in order to co-parent effectively, you have to be able to trust him to put the child's needs first. And you can't

My ex pulled a stunt like this, not over breast feeding but taking a very small child into an awful adult hospital environment, without my knowledge, where he was terrified. Ds came back sobbing, clinging, refusing to let go.

I didn't let DS out of my sight again until he was at school, and ex & me split.

You need to be blunt with your partner, this is a deal breaker. If he can't be trusted to care for his child properly, openly and honestly then the whole relationship is in jeopardy. His mother's wishes are irrelevant and he needs to grow a spine.

He is being open it's mummy laying down the law and seeming to be saying I own baby your the sperm donor job done....
She won't say what he's done or the in laws despite being asked.

EmmaJane2025 · 04/05/2025 13:32

The baby is just as much his as he is yours. I totally get the post natal anxiety as I had it too; So I 1,000% understand if that’s the case. But if so, then I speak from experience when I say that you need to face it head on and let your DH have more solo involvement. I promise it will help ease your anxiety, even though right now, it feels like the opposite will occur.

EG94 · 04/05/2025 13:47

Also pretty shit of you to put your health visitor in the middle of you both like some petty little game of I’m right you’re wrong.

sorry to break it to you, I think you’re wrong wonder if your HV agrees.

think you may need to reconsider not going back to work as I think you’re gunna need the income but I’m certain if that was the case you’d suddenly be ok with your child not being fed every 2 hours.

Swipe left for the next trending thread