Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-Partner taking baby away?

103 replies

HannahXlouise · 03/05/2025 18:40

Hello AIBU?
I have a 8M old baby whom is still exclusively breastfed. Baby is offered 3 meals a day and take small sips of water but still has a significant feed of milk every 2/3 hours. My health visitor said this is okay as I shouldn’t decrease feeds until baby is 1.
This week baby has been put a stool softener/laxative, and I was advised by the dr told keep fluids up for the next month whilst he’s on the medication, so I offer him feeds every 2 hours and have found this to be great as he is no longer getting up at night to feed! Great for me and baby as we are both well rested.
The problem my partner is having, is he can only take baby to see his family for a couple of hours at a time as I have had an extremely difficult relationship with them, for my own mental wellbeing I have decided not to see them as I feel bullied and they (his mother) is extremely controlling and narcissistic.
My partner has been going to therapy to come to terms with this as subsequently he is being controlling. I gave baby a big feed at 9am and he went to leave with the baby and I said to him to remember to be back in a couple of hours for his next feed, it was a warm day today (we live down south)
also so he would have needed to be back at that time regardless of him being on medication never mind with out. As he left he said he will be back when he wants and that will be at 2pm instead of 12/12.30. As any mother whom breastfed a baby knows that 5 hours is extremely impractical.
He said the baby’s “need is for him to see his grandparents” well I personally don’t agree as I think a baby’s “need” is to be fed and with its mother! I personally don’t agree with nor want him to have to take my baby away to see them but for the sake of my relationship I allowed it. But it seems to be not good enough.
I don’t mind if he’s a little late at all but when he’s over double the time he should be away that’s when it’s a problem.
I feel that he isn’t putting my child’s needs first at all and doing it to please his mother.
I contacted him and explained that I don’t want him getting dehydrated ect.. he reluctantly agreed but was still 40 minutes late. Last time this was over an hour.
I don’t feel like I can trust him with taking my baby to see them is he’s going to ruin his routine and not bring him back for feeds.
And before anyone suggests it he’s I have tried pumping and giving a bottle but he point blank refuses to take it and this has effected me going back to work so I’ve had to push it back.
I am happy for his parents to come to the house but subsequently they don’t want to see me as I set boundaries with them and they don’t like it.
I have asked my health visitor is she would explain that it’s not okay to do this but I fear this will just antagonise him.
There has been a few situations that I have been made to feel u comfortable with when my partner has been alone with baby (that’s a whole other post in itself)
Should I set stronger boundaries? but I don’t know what it will take for him to realise that I am making all my decisions based on my child’s needs.
many thanks. 🙏🏼

OP posts:
4naans · 03/05/2025 18:42

Yes that's completely unacceptable. He's not thinking about child's wellbeing only his own wants. This is a huge red flag.

Espressosummer · 03/05/2025 18:50

A quick search of the NHS website suggests at 8 months a baby can go 4 hours without milk, and could do 6-8 hours if they are having any solids and fluids from another source like water. So really doesn't look like there should be a problem with your baby going less than 5 hours. Have you considered you are using the breastfeeding as a way to control who your baby spends time with?

Original poster
HannahXlouise · 03/05/2025 18:53

This is the maximum time. When I spoke to my health visitor she said every baby is different so any baby can be between 2-4 hours just depends on the baby 🤷🏼‍♀️ even if he went longer stretches my partner shouldn’t be dictating how long he takes baby away for.

OP posts:
InterviewGhost · 03/05/2025 18:55

Your partner is abusive and you should be taking steps to end the relationship.

lookingfortheadult · 03/05/2025 18:56

I think there are some big issues in your relationship that you need to address or at the very least consider. Your post sounds like a battle, not a partnership.

I also exclusively breastfed but by 8 months, I think most babies can handle more than a couple of hours between feeds and as the father, he should be capable of managing medication.

Whilst I absolutely believe that baby comes first, I do think some parts of your post sound very much that you’re dictating all decisions regarding parenting and this could come across quite combative. Your partners response isn’t great but I’d assume is the result of his own frustration that he also can’t articulate. If you are equal parents, you should be able to discuss what’s best for your child without needing to set boundaries or issue demands. I’d also consider what boundaries he might want to set - these likely conflict greatly with yours.

Jesswebster01 · 03/05/2025 19:18

Really you need to sort the problems with his family as when the child gets older it will cause more problems and result in your child just being away for longer. Also sounds like you are slightly dictating and so dh is coming back late so prove a point

DownWhichOfLate · 03/05/2025 19:41

If you’re used to feeding every couple of hours then it will be a problem for both you and your baby. Sounds like you’ve tried solutions and your partner is being awkward. Yes, you need firmer boundaries.

Carpetty · 03/05/2025 19:50

InterviewGhost · 03/05/2025 18:55

Your partner is abusive and you should be taking steps to end the relationship.

This.
Can you go and stay with family.
Do not allow him to take the baby again.
Go to your family or friends.
Tell him to take you to court for access.
You are being bullied.
Call Womens aid for advice and support.

Carpetty · 03/05/2025 19:52

Espressosummer · 03/05/2025 18:50

A quick search of the NHS website suggests at 8 months a baby can go 4 hours without milk, and could do 6-8 hours if they are having any solids and fluids from another source like water. So really doesn't look like there should be a problem with your baby going less than 5 hours. Have you considered you are using the breastfeeding as a way to control who your baby spends time with?

Edited

I had 3 breast fed babies and none of them ever went 4 hours without a feed at 8 months.

Just because the nhs site says its so, doesn't mean that every baby is the same.

Bearbookagainandagain · 03/05/2025 19:54

None of you should "dictating" anything, you're both the parents, and breastfeeding doesn't give you more rights than him. Going out a few hours to see family is hardly a crime.

You both need to grow up and find a way to parent together. Or separate and give each other a break.

dairydebris · 03/05/2025 19:55

I think at 8 months a baby can manage 5 hours away from breastfeeding mum, especially if baby can sip water and eat a bit of food here and there.

The dad is the parent too. I think he gets a say as well as you.

Having said that, it sounds like there is way too much conflict here. You should both be able to talk about this and reach a solution. If that's not possible, there's not enough info to say whether he's being unfair or not.

TY78910 · 03/05/2025 20:01

I only read half of the post, sorry OP.

If baby drinks sips of water with his meals why can’t you put the expressed milk in whatever beaker you use?

Agreed that your DP is extremely unreasonable in taking baby without appropriate feed, but also you need to appreciate that 2h to commute to his parents, socialising a bit and then getting back is unrealistic. And it’s a little controlling to try to impose that.

Overthebow · 03/05/2025 20:05

Can you express and send baby with a cup of milk? It’s very restrictive for everyone if your baby can’t be away from you for more than 2 hours at a time at 8 months.

LIZS · 03/05/2025 20:07

dairydebris · 03/05/2025 19:55

I think at 8 months a baby can manage 5 hours away from breastfeeding mum, especially if baby can sip water and eat a bit of food here and there.

The dad is the parent too. I think he gets a say as well as you.

Having said that, it sounds like there is way too much conflict here. You should both be able to talk about this and reach a solution. If that's not possible, there's not enough info to say whether he's being unfair or not.

This. How far is the trip? 8mo are pretty good at indicating if they are hungry or uncomfortable so unless the journey is long any issue can be fairly swiftly resolved by leaving promptly and coming back to you or he has to learn to cope. Do you not trust your p to do so? This situation seems to reflect more on your relationship and it feels as if you are using your dc needs as a device to control him. If you and p were to split he would likely have longer periods in sole charge.

Sofiewoo · 03/05/2025 20:10

This is overkill imo. A baby on 3 solid meals a day should be able to have water for thirst and go for 5 hours without a milk feed. The majority of women go back to work when statutory maternity runs out at 9 months and all those babies are going more than 5 hours.
I think it’s quite controlling to say a baby if that age needs to be brought back for a breastfeed after 3 hours!

Sofiewoo · 03/05/2025 20:13

even if he went longer stretches my partner shouldn’t be dictating how long he takes baby away for.

Why are you saying it’s your partner dictating and that’s wrong but it’s fine for you to literally dictate a time? You aren’t the only parent it’s not fair for it to just come down to what you say goes.

Mulledjuice · 03/05/2025 20:14

I had to put my DC in nursery 2 days/week at about 9 mo. He was EBF and refused bottles. I expressed milk both to feed baby and avoid my own engorgement. Baby accepted very little from an open or sippy cup. He was there 8.30 -17.30 and was fine. Big feeds before and after.

I think it's sensible for your baby and his father to get used to spending longer than 2 hours together at a stretch. He can offer solids, expressed milk in a cup, formula in a cup, something like yoghurt and mashed banana. Baby isn't going to starve but it's also about giving him a chance to parent.

Ughn0tryte · 03/05/2025 20:25

Your breastfed baby needs you for more than 'feeds'. You are not a feeding machine, you are their comfort, their home, their safe space and above all, their mum.
What you say goes.
Not the partner who is more interested in advocating the needs of his mum/dad than his partner, you - your choice.
Babies do not understand that you are round the corner. They do not have the concept.
Back 20-50 years ago, the idea that a man would remove a baby from their mum and hand them over to his mum/dad for any reason would be seen as bizarre. Why? Because the interest is about soothing the adults and not what is best for a baby.
Go and get your infant and stop supporting a choice of separating you and them. Your partner wants his mum/dad to enjoy your baby? He can bring them to your home for an hour when it suits you and the baby.
This is not about feeds, this is about your partner taking your baby to see two people who don't enjoy your company.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/05/2025 20:25

Breastfeeding is not just about milk . If that baby starts crying for any reason he will need to be comforted at the breast as that's the reality of a breastfed baby. I fed all mine until after 12 months and there was no way they could be away from me for 4 hours. From the dads point of view what is he going to do if the child is upset..him saying he will come back when he likes without taking the baby's needs into account is horrible. I don't like the sound of him at all. Possibly picked up his obnoxious ways from his family.

dairydebris · 03/05/2025 20:28

Ughn0tryte · 03/05/2025 20:25

Your breastfed baby needs you for more than 'feeds'. You are not a feeding machine, you are their comfort, their home, their safe space and above all, their mum.
What you say goes.
Not the partner who is more interested in advocating the needs of his mum/dad than his partner, you - your choice.
Babies do not understand that you are round the corner. They do not have the concept.
Back 20-50 years ago, the idea that a man would remove a baby from their mum and hand them over to his mum/dad for any reason would be seen as bizarre. Why? Because the interest is about soothing the adults and not what is best for a baby.
Go and get your infant and stop supporting a choice of separating you and them. Your partner wants his mum/dad to enjoy your baby? He can bring them to your home for an hour when it suits you and the baby.
This is not about feeds, this is about your partner taking your baby to see two people who don't enjoy your company.

This isn't right at all. The baby has 2 parents. You're being terribly dismissive of the father. And I say that as someone who extended bf 3 of my own.

dairydebris · 03/05/2025 20:29

junebirthdaygirl · 03/05/2025 20:25

Breastfeeding is not just about milk . If that baby starts crying for any reason he will need to be comforted at the breast as that's the reality of a breastfed baby. I fed all mine until after 12 months and there was no way they could be away from me for 4 hours. From the dads point of view what is he going to do if the child is upset..him saying he will come back when he likes without taking the baby's needs into account is horrible. I don't like the sound of him at all. Possibly picked up his obnoxious ways from his family.

It's perfectly fine for Dad to learn how to comfort baby without a breast. This isn't a newborn.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/05/2025 20:39

HannahXlouise · 03/05/2025 18:53

This is the maximum time. When I spoke to my health visitor she said every baby is different so any baby can be between 2-4 hours just depends on the baby 🤷🏼‍♀️ even if he went longer stretches my partner shouldn’t be dictating how long he takes baby away for.

It’s interesting you see it this way, so your partner is dictating but you’re not? Are you not both this babies parent? Why do you get to dictate the times and not him?

An 8 month old baby can absolutely go longer than 2 hours between breastfeeds, water to top up, a meal, snack, you could even pump some breastmilk to pop into a bottle.

Strictly1 · 03/05/2025 20:42

Your baby has two parents. It does read as if you are using the breastfeeding to dictate and control.

jannier · 03/05/2025 20:52

HannahXlouise · 03/05/2025 18:53

This is the maximum time. When I spoke to my health visitor she said every baby is different so any baby can be between 2-4 hours just depends on the baby 🤷🏼‍♀️ even if he went longer stretches my partner shouldn’t be dictating how long he takes baby away for.

I think you need to say why you were uncomfortable with when he was alone with his child because at the moment it seems you are being very controlling

jannier · 03/05/2025 20:54

I think you need to say why you were uncomfortable with when he was alone with his child because at the moment it seems you are being very controlling
Many parents are sending 8 month olds to day care and returning to work full time.