to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Most parents know that their parents ( the GPS) don’t want to do a lot of childcare but they ignore it for a number of reasons

I’m a Grandma and have been lucky enough to look after all my Dd three children when she went back to work.
Not only that but from babies I had them every Saturday night so Dd and Dh could have some time together.
I absolutely loved having them and when other Grans moan about looking after Gc I look at them as if they have three heads 😂
I would give anything to go back to those days and even though youngest is now 16, I can say they are all very close and I feel very loved.

I get not wanting to commit to childcare, but you sound like you don’t want any emotional connection in your poor grandkids at all.

Very sad.

Actually my dad retired before mum and was available for a bit of ad hoc babysitting if I needed to go to an appointment or do something on my own for an hour. He was never hands on when we were children though, mum was a SAHM and he worked a lot, never looked after little ones so it wouldn't have occurred to me that he'd be capable of more than an hour here or there. I'm sure my husbands generation and younger are much more able to provide childcare.

I wonder how many of those who ‘don’t want to do childcare’ had ++ help from their own parents and now don’t want to pay that forward. A close childhood friend of mine can’t come to my wedding because neither set of GPs will look after her child. When we were kids, her grandmother routinely picked her up from school. My own grandmother did a huge amount of childcare for my parents to enable them both to work full time and pursue careers. She’s still around and we are still very close. If you want to be part of the village, surely sometimes it means doing things you don’t love in order to reap the benefits later/in different ways?

Bit of a generalisation!!

My mum didn’t want to raise me, never mind a grand child. I live with 0 expectation of assistance from anyone, and see it as a nice surprise should anyone ever offer anything. I’m surrounded by people who hate children, though, which probably doesn’t help.

I completely agree op. I saw this over and over in groups and on the school yard. The pressure these women come under is immense, and it isn’t even appreciated.

There were also gps who took the gc for one day a week, and it was really noticeable how both gps and gc lit up around each other, and seemed to have a completely different relationship.

I also agree. And in my experience of this (also at toddler groups) the care these older women are able to provide isn’t good enough. I’ve seen women who can’t lift the children they are in charge off, can get up quick enough to stop them falling/ hurting themselves and just sit down and leave the kids to it as they don’t have the strength/ energy for anything else. It’s unfair to the kids too.

MN loves a generalisation. This is kind of a fair one, though, it seems.

Really. Interesting. At what age do women turn from being perfectly reasonable younger women to master manipulators? Does it happen overnight or is it a process? When do you expect to make the change yourself?

I think it’s all about being honest. Last year, when my son was 9 months ish my parents did weekly childcare for us - DHs parents are unfortunately too frail and nursery fees by me are so high that working would be not worth it when factoring in missing the time with my baby. Weekly was too much for my parents to manage, so they told me this. Now they have my son 4 days a month, overnight each time and I stay over so when I’m back from work I can take over and do bedtime etc and also catch up with my parents.

Even just doing 4 days’ work makes a huge difference to our financial situation and it means my parents get to spend time with my son without it utterly exhausting them on a weekly basis.

For a bit my mum was hesitant to tell me it was too much, and would make weird excuses for why she was retired but busy every single day - in the end I just asked, is it too much a day every week? And she said yes. So we cut it down because she didn’t want stop having him, it was just a little much which I totally get! Her being honest meant a lot. I in turn was honest with her that the bits of work I was doing were keeping us out of my overdraft- my husband works hard but our bills always end up crippling us. My income helps a whole lot even just for a few days a month.

I think if people were more honest, it’d be easier and relationships would be way better between kids and their parents. I think as well, my mum realised she relied on my grandparents a lot when I was little and she sees the value in ‘paying it forward’ as well as being appalled that a day in nursery where I live is just shy of £90!

The women I know who have had family help with childcare are now not providing elder care as their parents are getting older and iller.

I don’t think providing free childcare gets you elder care. In one case they no longer speak.

You can claim NI credits for caring for grandchildren if under pension age - if the child benefit recipient does not need the credits for their own records because they’re paying NI.

I think it's unfair for parents of young children forget that their parents (grandparents) have their own expenses to pay and it's not like they will be paid for looking after their kids.
Plus looking after young children is hard enough as it is, it's worse when you are older and generally more tired.
I only ask my parents to look after my kids once a week (on their day off) as both my parents work full time and made it clear that they still have their own bills to pay (they are in their mid 50s).
People need to start taking more responsibility, sadly this concept is becoming non existent with young people who are 30 years and under.

Then they should say so. My parents have had no issue saying no childcare at all, ever. With the cost of nursery, you can hardly blame new parents for accepting any help offered - they aren't mind readers.
I think some grandparents enjoy the martyrdom of blaming everyone else for things they volunteered for...

I'm 60. My grandparents looked after us sometimes, but they didn't work. My mother worked evenings while my dad was full time. My grandmother occasionally took us to the park, and I stayed with her for a week once when my parents went on holiday.
My parents helped me, but they were busy, so it was more like evening babysitting and emergency care. Like my mother, I worked around my children's father, and mum helped out if I picked up some extra shifts, if she could. My mother retired earlier than my father, at the age I am now.
Now, DH and I both work full time, but still babysit, do the odd pick up and emergency cover when we can, even if it means juggling work or taking unpaid leave if we have to.

At the same time, I think if I told my mom and MIL I didn't want them to look after my baby, they'd be unhappy. It feels a bit like you can't win because you're either "using them for childcare" or "being lazy" etc

I’d take just having nice loving grandparents who wanted to spend time with my kids in a non childcare capacity.

So many crappy parents that turn into crappy grandparents with no emotional intelligence.
They seem proud to not want any involvement in their grandkids because “they have done their time” like raising us was a prison sentence 🙄

I think it's the expectation and commitment of regular child care that's the issue. I met a one GM at playgroup & she was very resentful as it was 5 days a week plus some weekends. I was surprised how many grandparents I met at child activities.

There's a elderly GF I've seen at DC school for years, at every pick up & drop off & at the park on school hols. He looks exhausted but I think he does it as he'd be lonely otherwise.

My DM won't lift a finger, but will do a day a week in the school hols now the DC are older.

I know grandparents who agreed to do childcare for first daughter, they were relieved when they were old enough for school. Then son married wife, children came along, they were expected to replicate child care from the cradle just because they'd done it for older sibling. So now they care for two families . From nursery to year 4. They're exhausted and responsible for four children. They're both 70 plus.

My Love Is Infinite, But My Time Is Not: A Grandmother's Truth

I adore my daughter. I absolutely worship my granddaughter. But I am not your on-demand babysitter, and I refuse to apologize for that.

When my daughter calls and starts her sentence with, "Mom, I was wondering if you could..." I've learned to take a deep breath. I love her. I love helping her. But I am not the same woman who spent two decades with her life entirely consumed by motherhood.

Those days are over.

I remember those years—the constant giving, the endless needs, the total consumption of my own identity by motherhood.

I did it with everything I had.

I was present.

I was all in.

I was exhausted.

Now, in my 50s, I've reclaimed something precious: myself.

My daughter doesn't always understand this.

She sees a capable, available mother who loves her grandchild more than anything. What she doesn't always see is the woman who has her own dreams, her own plans, her own life that doesn't revolve around being immediately accessible.

Last month, when she asked if I could watch my granddaughter for a week while she went on a work trip, I said no.

Not "maybe," not "let me check my schedule," but a clear, kind "no." I offered to help her find alternative childcare. I offered to have my granddaughter for a weekend. But a full week? No.

"But you're retired," she said. As if retirement means I've become a perpetual motion machine of family support.

Retirement isn't about being available. It's about finally having the freedom to choose how I spend my time.

I love my granddaughter with a depth that sometimes surprises me. When I hold her, when her small hands reach up, when she looks at me with those eyes that are part her mother, part something entirely her own—my heart explodes with a love I didn't know existed.

But love doesn't mean unlimited availability.

I will drop everything for true emergencies. I will be present for important moments.

I will babysit, I will help, I will support. But I will do it on my terms, not as an assumed constant in their lives.

My daughter is learning. Some weeks are harder than others. She'll call, frustrated, expecting me to rearrange my entire life. And I'll gently remind her: "I'm here. I love you. I'm not here to be your full-time solution."

I'm training for a half-marathon. I'm planning a trip with my girlfriends. I'm writing the book I never had time to write when I was raising her. These aren't luxuries—they're the rewards of decades of dedicated motherhood.

The women of my generation understand this. We loved our children fiercely. We gave everything.

And now? Now we're claiming our time.

My granddaughter will always know she is loved. Profoundly, completely loved. But she will also learn that the women in her life have full, rich lives that extend beyond motherhood and grandmotherhood.

When I do spend time with her, I'm fully present. We cuddle. We read books. We get the stroller and go on adventures. But these moments are intentional, not obligatory.

I am not a background character in their story. I am the leading lady of my own.

My love is infinite. My time is not.

I also remember my DP who used to look after DBs children, constantly being ill as the children would bring bugs home from nursery, GP would be asked to look after them as they were too poorly to go to nursery and DB and SIL had to go to work - then my parents would get ill and be really quite poorly.

I didn't have a lot of sympathy, as I was having no help with my kids at all!

I'm old enough to have grandchildren but don't yet, it would never occur to me that regular childcare was some kind of expectation. I've done my bit and look forward to freedom in retirement when I get there

I neither had nor expected any childcare from my parents/parents in law and as a child my grandparents never once looked after me

Well said- I love this!