to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

That's one person you know who is making these claims. There is literally no reason, none at all, why men as a sex cannot look after babies. Most of them just don't want to as it is hard work and often boring.

And that is not to say I think men SHOULD be looking after babies. Women are far more naturally nurturing and babies want their mothers. I am just saying men CAN if they choose to. Most do not choose to.

I fit into this category. DH and I both retired so we do childcare one day a week and a bit more in holidays. Actually moved closer to DD to be able to do this. It's great fun but definitely much more tiring than when we were parents to young children. It is easier as they get older and can communicate better.

Only sad that we can't help with other grandchildren who live further away but not sure how many days every week we could realistically do.

I do worry when my nearly 80 year old MIL is expected to babysit two boisterous grandsons by my BIL.

She has multiple health conditions, some very serious.

She needs a nap most afternoons but can't have one when she has the kids. So ends up utterly exhausted.

I wish she would say no, but she's too kind hearted

So do you agree or disagree that women are forced to babysit when they don't want to, which is what the OP posited and 88% agree with?

She is made to feel guilty when she does not want to do it, she is recovering herself and can not stand up for herself. This is not something to aspire to just because it benefits her daughter who is a single mum.

Hopefully you won't cry and be upset when said grandchildren don't really care. You reep what you sow

This is absolute rubbish. My dad was born in the 1950s and knew perfectly well how to change a nappy, did half the night wakes, did our baths and in fact everything else involved with bringing up a baby. My mum would have booted him out otherwise.

My FiL is exactly the same as were all the other male members of my family born in the 1950s/1960s.

So manipulative just because someone isn't full time child care doesn't mean they cant/won't have a great relationship with their grandkids. They can still visit, days out, holidays, sleepovers etc its just on the grandparents terms instead of the parents.i would never commit to specific day childcare for anyone but I still have a great relationship with nieces/nephews, friends children as i see them all the time and spend time with them. I just don't have them every Tuesday and Thursday 8 until 8 for the next 12 years

She sounds like she will be fine, so no need for faux concern.

My parents have my DD 1 day a week, down from 2. Due to now receiving the extra 15 hours of childcare we added another day of nursery. They are mid-60s, in good health, retired though they do find it tiring! They have her overnight every couple of months and have had her for 3 nights a couple of times while we had a mini-break just the two of us.
We are so, so grateful to them for all they do but I do think there’s a number of factors involved - I’m an only child, my DD is an only child (and will remain so), they’re both retired and financially comfortable. They help us out financially too which is wonderful of them.
We never ever take it for granted.
My grandmother looked after me and my 3 cousins (gave up work to do so) and we had such a close and loving relationship with her.
I totally understand not wanting to do full time childcare for grandchildren but I’m baffled by those that don’t offer any help at all.

To clarify, baffled by those who COULD offer SOME help (good health, not working etc) but simply don’t want to do anything. But each to their own!

Surely you understand that millions of women don't want to babysit kids, even if those kids are related to them? That they'd be more than happy just to have a visit when it suits everyone, and have no responsbility for raising other people's kids, even if they are their own grandchildren?

Other people have different wants, needs, things they enjoy, things they don't want to do, different hopes, dreams and inner lives. This is often baffling to so many on mumsnet. I find that baffling, to be honest.

Yes, grandparents can count themselves as the childcare, and get money, can’t remember how it works though, think they get possibly the 30hours free childcare money, possibly

I do understand this - that’s a huge reason why I don’t want more than one child, as I have hobbies, dreams and plans to pursue!
But maybe I have a bit of an unrealistic view of how families work, because my own childhood set up was quite communal and grandmother provided lots and lots of care (and enjoyed doing so).

However you said you were baffled by those that don't offer any help at all. I don't think it's remotely baffling, I think it's fantastic when women decide for themselves what they want to do with their precious hours on the earth. It happens so rarely for so many women.

I made sure I paid my DM the same rate as a childminder for my own pride and to ensure she didn’t feel like I was taking advantage of her…our reason was my DD at the time had major separation anxiety and couldn’t settle at a nursery or childminders (we now have ADHD diagnosis 15 years in) and my DM wanted to help with that issue.

I’m not near the grandparents years yet but we’ve been instilling in our kids that they need to plan for their outgoings to include private healthcare costs as the NHS spirals, additional expenses such as childcare for the first 5 years and made it a broader conversation that it’s their responsibility in their adult lives to look at what is affordable for them. I’ll be more than happy to do overnight stays at theirs and afternoon or weekends but I’m never going to be doing permanent childcare arrangements- I won’t have the energy

You criticised me for describing her as ‘a lovely person’, which I stand by that she is. Things are clearly really tough for her, and no, she shouldn’t have to do all this and absolutely deserves to be appreciated for it, but she steps up regardless for her family.

You do realise that out in the real world, many children have parents who die/abandon them/are addicts? I have personally taught many like that. This lady’s story touched me, as I know several Grandmothers in real life who have actually assumed full custody of their GCs because neither parent could care for them due to being in prison/suffering from
addictions. They were an absolute pleasure to support as a teacher, absolutely saved their GC from going into care. They assumed this role with zero resentment or complaining, and bucketfuls of love for children who desperately needed it.

So you will never change my opinion that anybody who steps in like this is ‘a lovely person’. How else would you describe them?! They clearly aren’t ‘horrible’ people are they?! 😂

You will be baffled by mostly grandmothers that do not offer any help. I haven't ever seen a post here by someone baffled that the grandfather will not help with childcare.

I never wanted to do childcare (I'm not maternal at all) but I did to help out my daughter. I worked full time but did compressed hours so that I could take one afternoon off a week to save on nursery costs. I did offer - it was my choice - but I would always do anything I could for my own children. Then when the children were in school I would use annual leave to look after them for a couple of days every half term, and for a week in the summer holidays. It has meant quite a close bond with my older grandchildren, which I value greatly.

I have now had to retire a couple of years early due to ill health and I just can't .manage to provide the help during the holidays for my older grandchildren, and I can't do much at all for the youngest. I have found, however, that the mother of the eldest doesn't really understand just how draining and exhausting it is to have them with me and still expects me to be able to do it, since they don't really need looking after any more. Maybe not, but I still need to provide food, I can't go for my much needed afternoon nap, and the constant noise and bickering is exhausting! I love my grandchildren to bits, but no - I don't want to provide childcare. I love to see them when I'm well enough, and preferably individually, but I don't want to HAVE to have them.

Yes we must make excuses for men who simply do not not know. They can live in a house with their own children never changing a nappy once and not having any skills whatsoever. Let us just keep asking other women to step in. We must not disturb the men and expect anything from them.

What role does the father of the eldest play?

She still expects you to do it.

This is a classical example of women pressuring other women to do the childcare and men not having any responsibility.

The poster you quoted made it clear that she was talking about BOTH her parents doing childcare, and didn't refer to any sex or gender with her 'baffled' sentence. So why use her post to make your point for the ninetieth time?

Maybe this is a classic example of men pressuring women to be responsible for all the childcare. You seem to be blaming the women for the men being uninvolved.

Women are part of the problem when they are pressurising other women.

So many women on this thread have complained that their mother/MIL had help and now won't help them. It is like the men do not exist.

Why are you baffled by how someone chooses to spend their time?

OP, all this grandad stuff, your post said grandmas and we all know it mostly falls on women.
It's not right, but it's usually women who offer or expect other women to offer.

Following every post with "what about the men" isn't going to change anything.

Good for the men and women who don't offer if they don't want to.

@Lilaclavendar , my grandparents never babysat any of their grandkids and lots of us were still close to them.

Lots of people go NC with their own close parents, so there's no guarantee in life.