Accused of racism by client

[stample]

I work and deal with clients daily, I spoke to a regular client being polite and civil, and they too were civil back only to get home and email my manager saying I had implied a racist remark towards them. My manager knows this was not the case and responded back. For reference I am white with black children and the client was black (they wouldn’t know anything about my personal life)
AIBU to mention this when I next see them, obviously apologise if they thought what I said was racist and then to say my family are black…

I know about the watermelon slur. So in this case the OP was reporting on the eating habits of her client (a necessary part of her job, I assume) and mentioned they'd eaten watermelon (which they had). Is this correct? I can't possibly see how this is racist.

Intent dictates more about you as as a person than wether what you said was discriminatory. A man could say something unintentionally sexist and I point it out, his reaction is what says whether he's a horrible sexist man, or a man who inadvertently said something sexist.

I think the poster you quoted meant it the other way round - accusing black people of laziness for cultivating watermelons is a spurious reason for justifying racism.

White people can’t know what it feels like to be Black or Black Mixed. Of course, they can experience racism directed at themselves or their family members. They can have a greater insight, understanding and empathy. But they have no personal experience of being Black.

Just as men can experience or witness sexism when with their mother, woman partner or daughter. They can understand and empathise. But they have no personal experience of being a woman. The day-to-day, from childhood onwards.

And racism doesn’t always manifest ‘openly’. In fact, far from it. It can be veiled, hidden or structural, but still there. Same with sexism. Most women have experienced micro/day-to-day, veiled, indirect or structural sexism. It’s possible to sense when a man is sexist, without him being openly so. It’s possible to realise that a workplace has sexist policies or practices, even though it claims not to discriminate.

The only weird bit is that apparently the client doesn't like watermelom. So why were they eating it? It's more confusing than definttely and indication of racism.

I’d consider myself pretty well informed on sensitivities about race, I’ve never heard about this one.

Isn’t it better to ask them how they found it racist?

A man could say they can’t possibly see how something they’ve said is sexist. But that doesn’t mean a woman doesn’t experience it as sexist. A man who doesn’t want to be, or appear, sexist would want to know.

I’d stop now if l were you @brexel. Most of your posts relating to this have been deleted which is a good indication that MN agrees they are ableist. And this post is doubling down and exposing your ignorant ableism for all to see. As l pointed out previously, the inability to play the piano, or indeed partake in an Olympic swimming event are not disabilities. Having a heath condition which impairs your ability to do something is. This is deliberately offensive and trolling.

@SallyWD It’s a common trope, as Johnson’s remarks showed.

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/12/how-watermelons-became-a-racist-trope/383529/

Worth being aware of.

Agree. So if OP said something unintentionally racist then the best course of action would be for her to ask how and why it was perceived as racist ? I’m not trying to be obtuse, or to excuse racism in any form. Just trying to understand because I genuinely perceived this as the client looking to be offended where clearly no offence was intended. Which helps no-one.

A pp upthread mentioned the term ‘nitty gritty’. I had to google it and was pretty shocked at the theories behind its’ origins.

Sorry, replied to wrong person. @BoredZelda.

Yes but the fact offense wasn't intended doesnt mean the client was wrong for feeling offended. I might say something ignorant and not understand why it is ignorant, even after explanation. It doesn't change the fact that it was offensive and caused offense.

So yes you have to ask, but from the perspective of someone who is fully accepting of the fact that they did something wrong that they need to try to rectify. Not from a place where they're trying to.debate if they were really wrong or not.

Folks are just on this here Internet this morning making shit up. Just acknowledge the facts and stop with your stories, examples and experiences. It's all in your head or your misinterpretation of events. So...

White people who mate and procreate with black people cannot be racist.

White people who are nice to at least one black/brown person cannot be racist.

Microaggressions and the warped perceptions of the sensitive.

Racial slurs? You spend too much time on SM.

Racism is imagined and just something used to shut White people up.

This is Britain, where racism doesn't exist.

Acknowledging racism and speaking about/confronting it is why there's so much support for Reform (and remember, Reform abhors racism. They even have non-white MPs (✅️).

I'm sure I've missed other pertinent bits, but I've ingested enough for today, so ✌🏾.

I can't glean any racism in what the OP has typed, but given so much grace is given on MN for any hint of SEND, I wonder why that hasn't been mentioned here. It's unclear who made the accusation and if they're the person with SEND and if that factors into what's going on here 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Absolutely. Along with all the self -flagellation. It doesn't work, it just gets you punched down even further. All those "go educate yourself" books are propaganda to brainwash innocent people into believing everything they think and do is covert "racism". It's utter nonsense.

Nobody, yes nobody has said "racism is made up and doesn't exist in the UK" it's another sensationalist blanket "shut up". And no, I won't "shut up". You don't get to shut everyone up by labelling innocent people as "racists" and shutting down every conversation with "you all said racism doesn't exist". It's a lie. It doesn't wash i'm afraid.

So yes you have to ask, but from the perspective of someone who is fully accepting of the fact that they did something wrong that they need to try to rectify. Not from a place where they're trying to.debate if they were really wrong or not.

See this is the problem l have. For me it’s about intent. And if there is no intent then l don’t think it’s reasonable to accept that you have done something wrong, or to have to rectify it. You can certainly apologise for inadvertently causing offence but to me, there is an equal need for the offended party to acknowledge that no offence was meant.

Can you ask to switch with someone else? If you have to work 1to1 with her, it leaves you rather vulnerable. There are plenty of people who get a power trip out of complaining and they are a bit of a menace. You see it on here with the type of threads saying things like ‘Cafe staff member wasn’t friendly, shall I complain to manager as the business should be aware’ when really they feel a bit slighted and would love to have the power to get them sacked.

Sounds like harassment to me (from them to you). Of course stating fact isn’t racist 🙄

Do you understand why a man might say something that he doesn't understand is sexist?

You know so many of these comments are EXACTLY what men say (relatively good men) when asked to self reflect on sexism.

To move past this, you have to accept that you might be wrong and not aware of it.

Personally I used to be really quite ableist when it comes to mental health. It isn't that I don't have a point about some things, but to be a better midwife, I had to accept that my views were coloured by my socialisation around disability, and that even when it felt wrong to me, I had to accept that my actions or comments were discriminatory, even when it felt like I was being factual or plain old sensible. I'm better than I was, but I still have to be extremely mindful of slipping back into old trains of thought.

Most racism isn’t intentional.

Hurt is still hurt, whether it’s intended to hurt or not. Someone may not intend to kill someone, but they’ve still killed them. Perhaps through lack of awareness, lack of care or not being alert to the risks.

It’s the same with discrimination, whether it’s intended or not.

That is ridiculous - it would seem this woman has some other issue or agenda about her child's care. I think the racism card is sometimes raised as a defence mechanism through frustration.

I agree with this.

I think what’s misunderstood is that racism is a scale. At one end there is KKK and white hoods and at the other end there is casual racism arising from careless language or lack of knowledge. It isn’t for me to decide what people who are on the receiving end of it feel about things they have experienced. Being subjected to casual racism several times every day would probably wear me down.

If I were in a situation where someone believed I’d made a racist comment, I’d listen. If I was sure it was entirely a misunderstanding, I’d explain that wasn’t my intention and move on. If it turned out I had been really clumsy with language, I’d thank the person for letting me know and assure them I’d be more careful in the future. Where it becomes problematic is if the stance taken is “this person is being totally ridiculous, I can’t possibly be racist, you can’t say anything these days, this person is just looking to make trouble” etc. That in itself is a form of racism. It’s a well trodden trope, seen often here on MN when people post about these things. The more people see posts like this, the more their opinion is bolstered and the cycle continues.

In my experience, a person who faces discrimination every day of their lives doesn’t make a fuss about it unless they are pretty sure there has been an issue, or if that seemingly non-issue is the straw that broke the camel’s back. OP would do well to listen to the complaint and reflect. It isn’t unusual for children to try different foods in nursery / schools. Perhaps explaining that would help in this situation.

I’m actually surprised watermelon is given in a SEND setting. It was on our list of things to avoid when working with children in an EP setting because of the risk of hidden seeds.

Calling it “the racism card” isn’t acceptable.