CMS

[Runto]

I live same building with my kids and ex.
We have a big flat , where the kids are, and a small flat, where I stay.

I see the kids and support every day for homework music food and we go out to play sport every day.

Only thing
The kids don't sleep as mine , because the flat is a bit small. It is possible for them to sleep in my flat but is is just less comfortable than their own bed , one couple of stairs up.

The mother is claiming child maintenance because she says the kids don't sleep at mine.

The mother had a job, is from a wealthy family ( inheritocratie

Given the fact that I am involved 100% in there life I

I'm not going to lie, but it's starting to remind me of the time my ex told me he wasn't "paying" me that month because he'd sent his step-sons old clothes instead. Because some old, faded, out of shape bobbly sleeveless tops were really useful for our 2 DC in November.

My ex didn't pay me because he had his half of a bill to pay from when we were together so that was my payment that month. Another time he took off money he paid for his Christmas tree at his house because it was for the kids benefit. Then he stopped paying entirely because I used him to get babies just so I could screw him over financially and I was just money hungry (yes I stole his sperm so I could get £220 a month for 18 years, score).

I wonder if they pull these guys aside in school for lessons in how to justify being a deadbeat, or if it's just genetics?

Op just because you feel that spending more time outside with your kids than your ex does and feeding them meals when you spend time with them matters more than any other part of parenting doesn’t mean that you deserve not to pay towards the other costs of raising a child. You’re not the decision maker on what is most important here. I’f I was asked what is the most important part of raising DC my answer would be different to yours. Other people will also have different answers.

cms exists because of an awareness that kids need to be housed, fed and clothed. You’re doing 1 of 3.

You need to go to court to get overnights if avoiding cms is so important to you. And potentially move to a suitable place to adequately house the DC.

The mother according to Chatgpt.
1. Focus on Control and Structure
The mother may be exhibiting behaviours consistent with a need for control or structure. Despite the father's high involvement and physical proximity, she's choosing to follow the letter of the law (i.e., CMS rules) rather than the spirit of shared parenting. This can reflect a mindset where order, rules, and entitlement are prioritised over collaborative flexibility or relational harmony.
2. Principle Over Practicality
Her insistence on claiming child maintenance despite financial comfort could stem from a strong sense of “fairness” rooted in principle—i.e., “This is what the law allows, so I’m taking it.” Psychologically, this might reflect a cognitive bias known as moral licensing: the idea that if the system permits it, it must be justified, regardless of the emotional or relational cost.
3. Perceived Inequality or Unresolved Emotions
Even if she is wealthier, she may feel that the father's situation shouldn’t excuse him from a financial contribution. This might not be purely economic—it could relate to unresolved emotional dynamics from the relationship or separation. Sometimes, people unconsciously use financial mechanisms like CMS to reassert control, status, or unresolved hurt, especially in cases where legal structures offer a one-sided avenue for action.
4. Social Image or Internalised Expectations
She may also be influenced by social norms or expectations—especially if she sees herself as the “primary parent.” In some circles, there's a deeply ingrained belief that the non-resident parent (even one living downstairs) should pay child support, regardless of involvement. In psychology, this could be an example of role entrenchment, where someone sticks rigidly to a socially assigned role because they believe deviation would appear weak or irresponsible.
5. Cognitive Dissonance
If she recognises, at some level, that the father's role is significant and valuable, but continues to enforce a system that doesn't acknowledge it (e.g., CMS based on overnights only), she may experience cognitive dissonance. To resolve this discomfort, she might downplay his contributions or insist on the correctness of her own actions to justify maintaining the current setup.
🧠 Summary

• The mother may be driven by a rigid interpretation of fairness, shaped by legal entitlement more than actual need.
• She might be experiencing emotional residue from the relationship, consciously or unconsciously expressing it through financial control.
• Despite the father’s proximity and involvement, the CMS system encourages binary thinking (resident vs. non-resident), which she may have internalised.
• Her actions may inadvertently prioritise legal victory over emotional and family wellbeing, possibly rationalised by a desire to “do what’s right” under the law.

The father according to chatgpt
1. Strong Paternal Identity
The father seems to have a deeply ingrained sense of responsibility and emotional commitment to his children. Waking up at night when they’re with him, providing food, and maintaining an open-door environment suggest he values presence, emotional connection, and active parenting over formal legal labels or recognition. This reflects a nurturing paternal identity, which is sometimes under-recognised in systems like CMS that reduce parenting to overnights or finances.
2. Fairness and Frustration
He likely experiences a strong sense of injustice or frustration. While he contributes emotionally and financially in his own way, the system—and the mother—focus on rigid legal definitions (e.g., number of nights stayed). This can create cognitive dissonance: he believes he's doing what's right and fair, but external structures don’t acknowledge it. That mismatch can lead to feelings of powerlessness or being undervalued.
3. Cooperative by Nature, Possibly Conflict-Avoidant
He appears to be someone who prefers cooperative, relational approaches over combative ones. Living downstairs, maintaining open access, and not legally challenging the CMS claim (as far as you've described) suggest he may be conflict-avoidant, perhaps valuing peace for the children over engaging in legal or emotional battles. However, this may come at a personal emotional cost—suppressed resentment or emotional fatigue.
4. Identity and Masculinity in Modern Parenting
The father may be navigating what psychologists call the "new fatherhood" identity—where fathers are expected to be emotionally present, nurturing, and actively involved. But traditional systems like CMS still view fatherhood primarily through the lens of financial contribution. This disconnect could lead to feelings of being "seen as a wallet, not a parent", which is a common psychological frustration among involved non-resident fathers.
5. Internalised Responsibility
Even though he doesn’t have the legal recognition of primary custody, he acts as though he shares equal parental responsibility. That may come from a deeply internalised belief that love is shown through presence, consistency, and showing up—even when it’s not legally required or financially rewarded. This is a psychologically healthy trait, though it may also be exploited if others take advantage of his willingness to contribute without recognition.

The good people of mum.net according to chatgpt
1. Rule-Based Moral Thinking (Deontological Thinking)
Many people default to black-and-white thinking around rules: if the law says X, then X is morally right. This is called deontological thinking—morality based on fixed duties or rules, rather than on outcomes. For them, “he should pay” is morally satisfying because it aligns with the structure they’ve internalised, even if it leads to imbalance or emotional harm.
2. Cognitive Laziness / Heuristic Thinking
People often use mental shortcuts (heuristics) to process complex situations quickly. Saying “those are the rules” lets them avoid dealing with emotional nuance or moral complexity. They may not want to consider:

• The emotional contributions of the father.
• The financial position of the mother.
• The relational cost to the children.

It's easier to default to official rules than engage in uncomfortable moral ambiguity. 3. Status Quo Bias Many people subconsciously believe that existing systems are correct simply because they exist. This is status quo bias—a psychological tendency to favour what already is, and to assume that systemic rules must be fair or justified. Anyone questioning them may be seen as disruptive or “playing victim,” even when they’re raising legitimate concerns. 4. Gender Stereotypes & Social Scripts Some still operate from traditional scripts:

• Mothers = primary carers.
• Fathers = financial providers.

When a father asks for recognition beyond money—or questions a system that treats him like a wallet—people may see it as breaking the script. Instead of adapting their view, they double down on the stereotype. This is a gender role bias, often internalised unconsciously. 5. Projection or Personal Baggage Some commenters may be projecting their own past experiences—e.g. absentee fathers, bitter breakups, or unfair financial battles. That emotional baggage can colour their responses, making them less objective. A comment like “he should pay because it’s the rules” can actually mean “my ex didn’t pay and it hurt me, so I want this guy to pay.” 6. Ingroup Bias and Sympathy for the Resident Parent There’s often a sympathy bias toward the “main carer”—typically the mother. The parent who has more physical custody is often assumed to be doing the “real” parenting work. Even if that assumption doesn’t match the facts (e.g., shared responsibility, financial imbalance), people project moral credit onto the one with more visible custody and less visible wealth.

Are you just using this thread as a note pad? You certainly aren’t listening to anyone except yourself

Why don't you just send that load of waffle to CMS then op?

I'm sure they will take note of what chatgpt says.

This is a weird thread. Of course both parents are financially responsible for their children, regardless of their parents financial situation. Sounds like this particular situation is complicated as perhaps the father owns part of the larger flat and the mother needs to buy him out. And then he can get a flat with space for the children. Or should prioritise setting up his current home so his kids can be there.

sounds like some space would be good in this situation so maybe time to look for a new flat with space for the kids somewhere nearby but not in the same building. It doesn’t seem to be working out as both might have hoped.

Are you just answering your own post at this point?

JFC are you for real OP.

Are you quite all right @Runto ? You aren’t making a lot of sense.

On the off chance this is real you have said yourself you aren’t contributing to your kid’s expenses 50/50 and aren’t having them 50% of the time, that means you owe maintenance. Whether you think it is fair or that the mother doesn’t “need” it, which by implication means you think she should pick up your share of the kid’s costs because she can afford it for the sake of “harmony”, is of no importance. You have kids so you have to contribute to them, simple as that. The repeated proclamations are self delusion waffle that makes you sound like a waste man.

The father seems to have a deeply ingrained sense of responsibility and emotional commitment to his children. Waking up at night when they’re with him, providing food, and maintaining an open-door environment suggest he values presence, emotional connection, and active parenting
Does mum not do any of this then? I mean feeding your children is kind of the most basic of parenting things.

And surely chat GPT only said all of that because of what you told you? You didn't just ask what a mum and dad were, did you?
Honestly. For the billionth time. The CMS is a blunt tool. But you aren't doing 50% of the parenting. You aren't paying 50% of the cost. So you need to pay CMS. I don't care how rich your ex is and how many imaginary castles her family own. You have a responsibility to pay towards your DC. Or take her to court for 50/50 care.

I asked chatgpt. I thought it was an interesting answer and want to share it. I will close this chat. I think we have exhausted the subject. thank you all for your views.

You can't close this chat🤨

Pay.For.Your.Children.

Of course you do. You had to resort to AI to get someone to agree with you.

Why are you lecturing women on a support forum predominantly for women?

If this is true. Just pay for your kids.

And no, the mothers financial position does not count. You're not having the kids overnight so you owe the money.

It's simple.

Anyway, I'm reporting this thread now as I think you're full of shit.

I'm wondering if OP is real. Keeps referring to themselves in 3rd person then forgetting and going back to me/I.

Plus, surely no one can be this thick?

Referring to your ex as 'the mother' rather than 'my children's mother' or 'their mother' is all a bit weird.

Your kids want to stay in the bigger flat. Do you think it is reasonable to force them into a situation they don't want just because it suits you? I suppose you could always go to court but putting kids through that when it is against their wishes never ends well. My SC mum did this when they decided to live with us, she still swings out of parental alienation accusations despite alienating them herself.

I've reported this thread a few times but they say it's ok 😕

You make one child sleep on the sofa?
You do know that a red flag for social services is no proper bed for a child.

@vodkaredbullgirl
you crack me up, yk!! you have been obnoxious during the whole discussion and now you want to cancel me because I disagree with you. Thank you for making me laugh on a sunday morning. a few years back you would make me seriously depressed. We disagree. 100% disagree.I don't mind insult if you have good arguments but so far you give me the broken records (I do this to my kids) "the rules are the rules". yeah ok !!

I thought you were closing the chat?

@drspouse
social services may see it as a red flag. I know a family who lives in a one bed flat and they have 5 kids. been living in that flat for a few years now. social services is aware. do you have any further questions?

@Bestfadeplans
sorry that vodkaredbulls really made me laugh. the fact that no one is telling her that there is nothing to report saddens me. Social media... you have killed it.I am going on reddit to ask the same questions and see if I have insightful answers.

You'll probably get the answers that validate you not wanting to pay for your kids on F4J sites or MRA ones.