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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my ex for more money, or use the CMS

79 replies

Florizelloid · 02/05/2025 10:54

My Ex an I divorced a few years ago. He agreed to an amount that we calculated using the CMS calculator, and in the divorce agreement he said he was to send me his P60 and three months payslips every year.
He earns quite a lot more than I do, and it is quite a nice sum of money to have every month.
However, that amount is still the same as what we agreed to a few years ago, and he hasn't yet sent me a single payslip or P60. I had avoided asking for them as I didn't want to cause a conflict, however I finally got the courage to ask him for it yesterday.
He is refusing, I am not sure why, he said it is because it will give me his NI number and UTR number. He did send me a wage statement from his employer, which would indicate (using the CMS calculator) that with our current arrangement he is underpaying me by a fair bit. When I pointed this out, he first asked for a 50:50 child care split. I pointed out that this wouldn't work with his job (he commutes several days a week and often has evening meetings) he said he could make it work. Then he said that I didn't need any more, as looking after the children wasn't getting any more expensive.
He also said that if he got promoted and his pay doubles, then it wouldn't be fair for him to pay any more to me.

I can live fine on what he is giving me together with my full time wage, it just irks me that he isn't meeting the terms of our agreement, and every time I raise the question of maintenance he starts to demand more time with the kids. I find his attitude really upsetting, but I also wonder if I am being greedy, especially when the kids come back after a weekend with him asking what their Daddy has to pay child maintenance for.

I am also getting sick with stress, at work as well as trying to deal with him, and help my daughter who is going through puberty, coping with suspected Autism/ADHD, and has started some still thankfully very minor self-harming, and suicide threats. With all this I am wondering how much longer I can keep up my full time hours. I had some time off with this earlier in the year, but it is getting worse again.

I have said that I will contact the CMS if he doesn't start to send his P60s and wage slips as he agreed, but he regards this very much as the nuclear option. I don't want to cause more conflict, and I don't want to get in to a massive argument about the arrangements for the kids, and I really don't want to have to talk to my lawyer again, so am I being unreasonable to say this?

OP posts:
MargoLivebetter · 02/05/2025 10:59

You must have divorced my ex!!!! I went around circles like this with my-ex feeling like I was being greedy and unreasonable for asking for additional child maintenance when he hadn't increased the sum we'd initially agreed for 5 years. In the end I got so fed up I went to CMS and low and behold he had to pay me £600 extra each month!!!! He went berserk, absolutely nuts, threatening me with all sorts and even got the 2nd Mrs Livebetter to email me outlining what a cow I was wanting our children to be properly financially supported.

Do it. He sounds like an arse anyway. What have you got to lose?

RandomMess · 02/05/2025 11:08

He isn’t ever going to pay more voluntarily so you don’t have a choice tbh.

Where does he live that inflation hasn’t rocketed on food & fuel and where teens aren’t more expensive than young children…

Kalikaa · 02/05/2025 11:11

How much is he paying you? Is it more than CMS would require?

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/05/2025 11:11

It's not about being able to manage without it, it's about getting what you are entitled to.

Don't just think about today, think about the future when the maintenance stops, but your children still cost money.

He may stop paying when they are still living at home, especially your daughter who may need long term support.

Put any extra away for a rainy day when he isn't legally required to help. Get every penny you can now

Londonmummy66 · 02/05/2025 11:14

Its not money for you its money for your DC. So you should claim what they are entitled to. If you don't need to spend it all then put it away for the future - uni/house deposit what ever.

77Fee · 02/05/2025 11:15

He can send you a copy of his P60 our return with his NI and UTR hidden. So his excuse re that is rubbish.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 02/05/2025 11:16

He can send you copies with the NI number excluded-all he has to do is cover them and take a photo or a copy. It's obviously an excuse as he doesn't want you to see what's on them.
Just go through CMS and be done with it. It's his choice to decide to go crazy about it or not.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 02/05/2025 11:16

Children do get more expensive though. Even if you don’t need the extra now, you can save it and then when they get invited to do school ski trips or the like, you have a fund to pay for it. Or if you never need to use it, spend on driving lessons or help towards uni costs etc.

Go back to him and say that the CMS minimum he should be paying on that wage is £x. That obviously many parents choose to give more than the bare minimum but you would settle for the minimum of £x. You are happy to arrange privately but if he’d rather stop this being something you have to sort between you, you’ll open a case with CMS.

any complaint you don’t need it “this is the bare minimum the state says you should pay.” Refuse to discuss.

millymoo1202 · 02/05/2025 11:19

Just go through CMS, save yourself the grief as he won’t give you anymore unless he’s made too as I’m sure he’ll be telling the kids you spend it all on yourself anyway 😄

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2025 11:20

It’s not the nuclear option, it’s the sensible one given he’s being unreasonable and pretty twatty. Contact them today and take it out of both your hands.

Fadesto · 02/05/2025 11:21

Tell him you haven’t got time to argue with him all the time, there were terms to the agreement so he can follow them. If he doesn’t want to youll have to go to cms because you cba arguing, it’s up to him then. He’s forcing the ‘nuclear option,’ not you. He only wants more time to scare you or because he thinks it’ll save him money.

Be age appropriately honest with dc if they ask. all parents that don’t live with their children give money because it’s still their responsibility to look after their children and make sure they have a nice home and food and clean clothes and that all costs money.

bumblebeedum · 02/05/2025 11:24

Stop wasting your time, you’ve asked, he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t feel that he should have to voluntarily pay for HIS children. Just go to CMS and let them deal with him. Grey work when he moans about it.

bumblebeedum · 02/05/2025 11:24

Stop wasting your time, you’ve asked, he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t feel that he should have to voluntarily pay for HIS children. Just go to CMS and let them deal with him. Grey work when he moans about it.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 02/05/2025 11:25

So he's allowed to "go nuclear" over CMS but expects you don't over him going back on an agreement to provide paperwork and clearly covering up his earnings?! That's supposed to just be ok is it?

Endofyear · 02/05/2025 14:23

I would put in a CMS claim as he's already proved to be unreasonable to deal with and he should absolutely not be talking to your children about paying maintenance! Be prepared that he may decide to take it to court for 50/50 and get as much evidence together as you can that this wouldn't be in the children's best interests.

Agix · 02/05/2025 14:34

Go to CMS.

jeaux90 · 02/05/2025 15:00

Who cares what he thinks just go to the CMS.

BellissimoGecko · 02/05/2025 15:03

What a selfish tosser. Doesn’t he think it’s fair for his dc to benefit from his increase in salary? If you were still together he would presumably have spent more on his doc, so he’s happy to punish her because you have split?

go to CMS.

Theunamedcat · 02/05/2025 15:04

Has he ever made a move towards court in all the time you have been divorced?

Ten years of threats off my ex I went from being upset and backing down to "see you there" he then told ME to put the court application in I said no im happy with the current situation your not you go ahead 🤡 never has and one is 16 now so he probably never will

nopineapplepizza · 02/05/2025 17:08

Go to CMS; it’s the bare minimum he SHOULD be paying and if he’s not currently paying that then get it taken directly from his wages.

He's controlling you by paying less than the minimum, so let the CMS control his payments instead.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/05/2025 17:36

CMS. Stop letting him take the piss and making you ill.

Do you have a legal arrangement about custody or an informal one? If the former then he can apply to have it changed so I would simply say that as and when he does, his maintenance can be reassessed.

The problem is that it won't stop him messing you around or his kids when it suits him.

TURNYOURCAPSLOCKOFF · 02/05/2025 17:40

Endofyear · 02/05/2025 14:23

I would put in a CMS claim as he's already proved to be unreasonable to deal with and he should absolutely not be talking to your children about paying maintenance! Be prepared that he may decide to take it to court for 50/50 and get as much evidence together as you can that this wouldn't be in the children's best interests.

Oh don't worry, he won't actually go to court to get 50/50.

Otherwise he would have done it already ...

SunshineAndFizz · 02/05/2025 17:42

The only reservation I’d have is if he’s backed into a corner he may insist on 50/50 (which is what he wanted) therefore you could end up getting less or nothing. So I’d tread carefully.

TURNYOURCAPSLOCKOFF · 02/05/2025 17:57

SunshineAndFizz · 02/05/2025 17:42

The only reservation I’d have is if he’s backed into a corner he may insist on 50/50 (which is what he wanted) therefore you could end up getting less or nothing. So I’d tread carefully.

He absolutely won't, because if he actually wanted 50/50 he'd have already applied for it...

RedHelenB · 02/05/2025 18:00

I've put yabu because if you'd have asked and expected the evidence from the start you wouldn't be in this position now. I'd call his bluff and say 50/50 or else you'll contact cms.

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