To ask my ex for more money, or use the CMS

[Florizelloid]

My Ex an I divorced a few years ago. He agreed to an amount that we calculated using the CMS calculator, and in the divorce agreement he said he was to send me his P60 and three months payslips every year.
He earns quite a lot more than I do, and it is quite a nice sum of money to have every month.
However, that amount is still the same as what we agreed to a few years ago, and he hasn't yet sent me a single payslip or P60. I had avoided asking for them as I didn't want to cause a conflict, however I finally got the courage to ask him for it yesterday.
He is refusing, I am not sure why, he said it is because it will give me his NI number and UTR number. He did send me a wage statement from his employer, which would indicate (using the CMS calculator) that with our current arrangement he is underpaying me by a fair bit. When I pointed this out, he first asked for a 50:50 child care split. I pointed out that this wouldn't work with his job (he commutes several days a week and often has evening meetings) he said he could make it work. Then he said that I didn't need any more, as looking after the children wasn't getting any more expensive.
He also said that if he got promoted and his pay doubles, then it wouldn't be fair for him to pay any more to me.

I can live fine on what he is giving me together with my full time wage, it just irks me that he isn't meeting the terms of our agreement, and every time I raise the question of maintenance he starts to demand more time with the kids. I find his attitude really upsetting, but I also wonder if I am being greedy, especially when the kids come back after a weekend with him asking what their Daddy has to pay child maintenance for.

I am also getting sick with stress, at work as well as trying to deal with him, and help my daughter who is going through puberty, coping with suspected Autism/ADHD, and has started some still thankfully very minor self-harming, and suicide threats. With all this I am wondering how much longer I can keep up my full time hours. I had some time off with this earlier in the year, but it is getting worse again.

I have said that I will contact the CMS if he doesn't start to send his P60s and wage slips as he agreed, but he regards this very much as the nuclear option. I don't want to cause more conflict, and I don't want to get in to a massive argument about the arrangements for the kids, and I really don't want to have to talk to my lawyer again, so am I being unreasonable to say this?

You tell your Asshole ex that he can criticise you all he likes to the children but it is them who he hurts and not you.

Tell him if he wants them to feel hurt, worry and concerned then he can crack on

Tell him one day when adults they will realise his actions were designed to hurt and manipulate them

Tell him that is on him.

You are not being greedy @Florizelloid . It is completely fair and reasonable to expect to receive the financial support that your children are entitled too. It really is not like the CMS is going to fleece him!!!!! Do not let his weasel words stop you from pursuing this.

Having stood where you are, I honestly don't think there is anything to be gained by trying to verbally influence your DC in any way. I think actions will be what will speak loudest and longest here. Be there for them, be consistent and be ready to chat about the divorce but only if they want to. I had similar with my DD who always got on well with ex-H as a child but now she also thinks he is an arsehole, a conclusion she came to all by herself. DS always clashed with ex-H, so there was never an issue there, but DD was a bit of a Daddy's girl and would never like to hear him criticised. She's very happy to criticise him now and sees him for exactly who he is.

I wouldn't bother engaging in any way with your ex-H, unless it is to agree very practical details that you absolutely have to do. Anything you say will be considered the words of a lunatic, as he definitely will have stuck you in the category of 'mad' or 'bad' now, so it is simply a waste of your time and energy to do anything more. Look up "grey rock" tactics - it was really helpful for me.

DD had a bit of a meltdown last night. She said (after calming down) that her dad is pressuring her to move in with him. Apparently he keeps asking her who she wants to live with, and saying that she can always come round on the weekends when she's with me. She says that it has gotten bad over the last couple of weeks. I did say very carefully that this was something he shouldn't do. She said she knew. She said she didn't think he meant it badly. I didn't ask how she thought he did mean it. She said she felt under pressure from him to stay there. She wants to have a conversation with him to tell him to stop it. She's only 13, poor girl.

Yep my friend js in same position. Cms said you owe this much now you've got promoted .it was a big jump so now he insists on 50.50 care the first time in the kods loves who are both 13!!! They hate going there. He does nothing with them and has a new gf every month. It's so he doesn't have to pay his ex 'pocket money ' as he calls it.