To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

[StormCloud52]

An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

Well I’m sure she is staying with a loved ….I think that’s the point

Yes, it’s bound to be family of some description.

Oh dear, looks like being dumped with my Gran in Scotland by my cruel parents has had an affect on me….. I assume every child in a similar situation awaits the same fate 🙄

I have sometimes thought about sending my children over to the UK for the summer to stay with their grandparents and improve their English* but I couldn't do it at that age, that's so young. DD developed attachment issues due to being separated from me as a toddler and that was just for a few weeks, I can't imagine how much a year could have affected her.

*teenage DD actually would really love to go over and to go to school in the UK for a couple of months to experience the difference but I expect that's not possible these days. When we were kids my brother did the opposite, and went to school in Finland for 6 weeks, when he was 9. It certainly improved his language skills but 6 weeks was definitely long enough at that age.

Just because it’s culturally normal doesn’t mean it’s ok. I’ve read a lot about this particular cultural attitude, ‘tough love’ and the pressure put on Chinese children to perform etc, yes, it produces hard working driven ‘successful’ people, but at what cost? Your acquaintance may say ‘my mother did something similar with me at that age and I’m ok’ but the truth is that it’s not normal for a 3 yr old to be separated from their mother like this, and the fact that she can send her own child away like this, for a year shows that she is emotionally damaged and has attachment issues. There’s a lot of things that are culturally normal in China that we consider barbaric, boiling/skinning dogs and cats alive to eat being just one, so really, ‘it’s the culture’ doesn’t mean it’s not awful.

They didn’t say that they said the opposite 😂

Maybe you should tell her what you think, rather than post on a forum. Only shows indignity and ignorance of yourself. The fact is the British government doesn’t allow grandparents visit more than 6 months a time, and is very much the origin of cruelty in itself.

@NoBots it is fine to post on a forum, it is all anonymous here. The OP wanted other people's opinions and it has been an interesting discussion.

I have no idea what your second sentence is supposed to say, it doesn't make sense.

Erm, okay.

Yes, I’ll message someone I only know in passing with my views. Thanks for the suggestion, you clever thing.

In China and Vietnam close knit extended families are incredibly common with the younger generation working to support the older members of the family. Unlike the UK. Consequently grandparents are often the primary caregivers of young children. It is increasingly common for young Chinese and Vietnamese couples live and work abroad for a few years to support their families at home and their cultural heritage is fiercely valued. In this context it is not remotely unusual to send a young child into the care of loved ones back home for a while to consolidate their language skills and sense of belonging. The children are usually showered with love and affection, treated like gods and are in touch with parents many times a day and are regularly visited. It is strange to someone from a UK culture but that does not mean it is bad or weird or that children are suffering or being set up for a lifetime of psychological problems. The comments about cats and dogs are offensive.

Learning starts young in China. I suspect the child will get shown off to GPs’ friends and acquaintances and told often that she is very ke’ai, will spend most days in various classes including literacy skills (i.e. memorising Chinese characters), and probably ironically English lessons, and won’t get much love or affection. That’s fairly certain. Depending on the type of family, may get taken to kfc a lot, may get hit sometimes, or maybe neither if she lucks out.

Wow, that's a lot of assumptions you are throwing out there.

1. Nothing wrong with grandparents showing off their grandchild to their friends. As they do in western cultures.
2. Early learning is everywhere. I have neighbours who are PHDs and their child knows all his timetable and do long multiplications by age 4. Do we say that's cruel too?
3. The KFC comment is laughable as that's American. If anything they will eat healthier in China.

During my early years, my mother left me with any relative she could palm me off on so she could look after my nan. There was nothing wrong with any of them. I still have bad memories of being scared and in the dark in strange rooms. I have still got abandonment issues at 50+.

Cultural or not, those memories and feelings don't leave some children.

But that’s not the same as leaving a child with a single family member, thus ensuring stability and continuity. The child won’t be in “strange rooms”, they will be in granny’s house that has become their home for a year.

@smithsgj
Yes, undoubtedly the child will be shown off to grandparents’ friend and told that she is cute. Pretty standard grandparent behaviour in every culture I would think. Why do you assume the child would not be shown affection?
I lived in China for 12 years and many grandparents look after their grandchild while parents work and the opposite is true in my experience: the child is well looked after with adults pandering to their every need!
it gets tougher when children start school as expectations are high, but that doesn’t mean children are not loved or shown affection.

I think potentially some people don't have bonds with their grandparents and therefore can't fathom that staying with grandparents and extended families can be "real" and "loving".

I have wonderful experiences with my grandparents. They babysit me all the time when I was a kid while my parents worked or went on holidays. I was comfortable and happy with them as they treated me like a princess and I go shopping with them and meet their friends. I listen to their stories of life when they were kids and learnt their recipe. There was never trauma as I know my parents are working and I'm in a trusted and loving relationship with my grandparents. Similarly, I also stayed with my aunts and cousins for holidays for long periods. My cousin's stayed over at times also.

I think it's great to be able to have such a supportive and loving relationship with extended families. As the saying goes, love multiples and not divide. I would want my child to be loved by many also.

Not saying I would leave my child a year with the grandparents as a personal choice but it might not be the "traumatic" experience as some relate to in their own experience. I could have easily done it as a kid since I was used to being with my grandparents and aunts and they really did pamper me and showered me with attention.

1. Yes but it’s overwhelming and constant. My older son at the same age ended up screaming “I’m not ke’ai!!” at some crooning friend of a friend. They still pinch kids’ cheeks…
2. The child speaks Mandarin with the mother in the UK, assuming learning the language is a priority for the family. The “learning Chinese” alluded to by OP clearly refers to preschool reading, writing and character memorisation. This is very tough, and will be immediately forgotten if the child returns to the uk. I am convinced that the child will spend most of their day in a range of clubs and classes, probably including dancing or music, English learning (hopefully with a foreign teacher at least), as well as the Chinese.
3. KFC is American owned, so what? The 10000 KFC franchises all over China are locally owned, as are the 6000+ maidanglao, and mostly full of kids with their doting grandparents. They will have trouble getting the child to eat what they’re used to (probably not traditional home-cooked Chinese) and fast food will play a central role.

My inlaws never displayed any kind of affection towards my 2 lads. They didn’t really discuss stuff with them, or answer their “Why…?” questions. I didn’t feel the house was a safe environment for toddlers because there were lots of sharp edges, extremely steep stairs, and no stair gates. Preventing ama from taking them to the market on her motorcycle was a constant battle; insisting on the use of the car seat and rear seat belts was met with derision (but we did).

They could never understand how we brought them up without smacking them. I never witnessed them doing so, but the prevailing attitude is certainly “never did me any harm” and the OP’s acquaintance would need to make it very very clear that smacking is unacceptable.

It sounds like you have a personal issues with your in laws you are projecting on assumptions that all chinese grandparents are like this.

If the mother wanted the kid to learn how to write Chinese, I doubt she would only send the kid over for only one year. The characters are too hard to master just one year and it's not uncommon for kids to take primary school in China to learn Chinese before moving overseas a bit older. Most likely she wants the kid exposed to spoken Chinese and culture and extended families.

It doesn’t matter where the child was born… my friend is Chinese, born here, always lived here, almost 50 & their family dynamic is still VERY Chinese, her parents were also mainly brought up in England, can speak English but generally refuse to, my friend started school and couldn’t speak or understand a word of English!…. Who does that to their child?!? My friend doesn’t have a cuddly loving relationship with her folk .. they seem very cold tbh..
kids from other cultures in the U.K. often attend Chinese school or Russian school etc on Sundays, lots of extra curricular activities… they don’t seem big on family time, are very career driven etc.

Simply not true… the boarding school near us has lots of Chinese children, they take them from 2 years old and they live in, lots of them don’t even go home for the holidays and instead stay with local foster type families… lots are from Asian backgrounds (China/hong kong etc)

For someone you only know in passing you have a LOT of opinions about her culture and family life. Perhaps if you got to know her and her culture better, some of those opinions might change or at least be based in fact.

I can't imagine that I would have wanted to do it, but I never had close family so would never have had the opportunity. I know of several people who didn't live with their parents for various reasons (including trauma and abuse), and are mostly good, rounded people. I would think if the norm is for the child to be raised by the village, then it's not a traumatic separation, but a positive time period.

Multiculturalism is fantastic, so long as they don't do stuff we don't like, huh?