To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

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An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

It's in a similar ball-park to the English Middle Classes (historically) sending their sons off to boarding school - albeit at a later age (usu. 8).

What we now know about Primary Attachment Bonds (between baby & (usu.) the mother) informs that rupturing the primary bond in the early years has enduring effects on brain-development, including the development of the frontal lobes which are intrinsic to development of "theory of mind", which involves EMPATHY AND COMPASSION.
So, yes. It's a lot.

The Chinese culture and bio/psycho/social history has 5,000 years behind it, and counting. They do what they do.
Will if affect the child? Undoubtedly, indelibly. Is the child going to grandparents or not? That can/will make a big difference.
It is what it is.

This thread makes it very easy to identify the poor parents who helicopter round their children - like they know anything about what does or does not cause psychological damage. If they did they’d change their own behaviour.

At three years old the child will adapt to their new scenario in a matter of weeks, and it’s not lie, they can’t video call. They’ll also benefit from the learning experience.

Yes they do, because they want to judge. A judgement is a form of opinion, and in the UK, everyone has the right to express an opinion. The opinion might be misinformed or toxic but the beauty of everyone having the right to voice an opinion is that people equivalently have the right to challenge an opinion.

Finally, just because something is based in culture, doesn't make it good. Female genital mutilation, still practiced in a small handful of countries, being an example.

No I’m my opinion you are right, it’s cruel, whether it’s culture or not it doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.
I would be heartbroken to send my child away for a year.

When I was a teacher in a child care center I had a 3 year old girl enrolled who had come from China to the U.S. Her parents stayed in China and the child was with her grandmother. So the child was dropped off for 8 hours a day with us(strangers) and she didn't speak our language. Imagine how even a grownup would feel in that situation. Naturally she had a hard time adjusting. She was with us for about 6 months. I did meet the child's mother and she brought the teachers gifts from China. I always wondered what the circumstances were that they left their child for so long.

Your comment makes no sense.

yes FGM IS a massive problem. Ear piercing is culture too and although I don’t agree with it, I don’t judge other people for having it done.

Is she going to live with family out there while she learns? If so, I really don’t see the problem, and being bilingual is not only incredibly important for her to remain in touch with her culture but also will present invaluable opportunities for her later in life.
It’s not like she can’t facetime her every day or visit a couple of times!

If it’s a boarding school type of thing that’s a bit different and I do think three is too young for that type of thing.

I’ve always thought it was borderline cruel when bilingual parents don’t bother teaching their child their native language, but just stick to English with them instead. It’s lazy and honestly sad that their child will lose that part of their culture unless they learn it later in life (and language learning is bloody hard!) Not to mention the job opportunities open to you when you know multiple languages.

What a load of raving and drooling.

The left want everyone to be ok with uncontrolled immigration, but then want to criticise other people’s cultural practices. You can’t have it both ways.

So a year abroad with family will cause severe damage but sticking a child in nursery full time from 12 months is fine?

People are saying, “why can’t they just learn the language at home with their parents,” but are missing the point that it’s not just about being bilingual and learning the language, but also being immersed in the culture. Yes, from a western perspective it’s unusual and, because it’s unusual, may cause some psychological damage. But many cultures around the world have an attitude of it taking a village to raise a child, therefore it’s not unusual (ergo not necessarily psychologically damaging) for children from communities where this is commonplace. So no, it’s not “cruel” at all.

Surely it takes more than a year to learn Chinese? Especially when you're 3? This sounds bizarre. I think it will cause distress for the child. Also, flying back without your child might raise some suspicions!? Dunno. It doesn't sit right. Might be nothing, but go with your gut, OP.

There's having lots of loving adults around the parents who help raise the child as part of the "village"...and there's sending a 3 year old across the world to practical strangers for a year...

Not very different to sending a child to boarding school, I know parents would probably see a boarding child more but still,
If the child is with relatives, grandparents and people who love her then I think she will be fine
Many people were raised by grandparents years ago if parents had to go away to work

Who is sending 3 year olds to boarding school???

The child is THREE. It's absolutely insane that Anyone thinks this is fine and definitely good for the child.

Just because it’s cultural, doesn’t mean it’s right! We now know the psychological damage being separated from a parent does, it’s no excuse to say it’s cultural, especially just to learn a language. Bloody cruel is what it is!

Do you understand what culture is ? It’s not necessarily where you are born. There’s a hell of a lot of worse things happening in the world. Maybe you should refocus your attention.

The child is three.

Cultural immersion or not, whatever she learns for a year there l will be swiftly forgotten when she’s back here in time for school, where she will struggle.

If the family wants her to learn the language, which a really good thing then it would be much better to send her over during the school holidays once she’s a bit older.

Dumping a three year old on the pretext of language studies is quite bizarre.

Don't assume your acquaintance is happy with this either. There's a huge cultural thing going on and sometimes it's very difficult for the Mum to be heard in all this. I was fortunate that DH didn't want this in the slightest.

We have a lovely child who now speaks and writes Japanese (self-taught)... I'm convinced it's a bit of a deliberate gesture at Chinese grandparents though!

"Would I judge someone else for following established cultural practise - no."

Female genital mutilation. Foot binding. Honour killings. Marrying off underage girls to old men. Slavery. Stoning women who dare to show their hair in public. Apartheid. Corporal punishment of children. Those are all established cultural practices - doesn't make them right.

You can/should criticise and disagree with cultural practices that go against your moral compass. It's dangerous (particularly for women, children and minorities) to consider cultural practices immune to criticism and therefore unchangeable.

At 4 I was hospitalised in a London NHS quarantine hospital for 6 weeks. It was my first time away from home and I was not permitted any visitors. The separation had a huge affect on me, especially since I believed the men in white coats were taking me way because I had be naughty. The memories are still vivid. The fact that young children cannot adequately express their feelings does not mean they are not affected. I cannot accept that all the research on attachment theory does not apply to infants of all cultures. Of course the ways in which feelings may later be demonstrated may be affected by cultural expectations.

Attachment theory does not suggest that this would be detrimental, though. When their primary caregiver is unavailable, the ability of children to form secure attachments to other care givers who provide responsive and consistent care is well supported by research.

Assuming OP’s friend is taking her DD to be with loving family, what she is doing is nothing like your experience of being put in an institution for 6 weeks.

Well yes it's not the same, because when the pp grew up she would have known her parents had no choice in doing this, whereas the child in the OP will know that it was.

I was responding to the PP’s assertion that attachment theory must apply to this case and so it would be damaging in the same way her own experience of being institutionalised was. I was pointing out that attachment theory would expect her to find her experience negative, but des not suggest the child in the OP will necessarily be negatively affected.

Your suggestion that as an adult she will look back on the experience and rationalise it as bad if her parents had a choice and not bad if her parents didn’t is conjecture for which there is no support.

The PP seems to feel her experience was traumatizing (or at least negative and impactful) despite knowing that it was necessary. The child in the OP may grow up to think her parents were incredible because they choose to sacrifice in order to give her a connection to her heritage and language skills available to very few others.

This is true. It’s how many people feel about British culture and how much alcohol is consumed around children. I think all cultures have their things that people don’t agree with. FGM is obviously actual bodily harm though, so perhaps in a different category than the perceived (depending on your cultural norms) emotional harm inflicted on kids sent to another country for a period at a young age or exposed to parents drinking a lot around them, or whatever it is that x culture does that y culture thinks is damaging/strange etc.