To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

[StormCloud52]

An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

Well some of us see grandparents as hugely important in Britain. I spent large parts of my childhood with granny, my mother lived with me when my children were young, I do lots of child care with my GC and one has lived with me for 3 years. Even in good old UK we don't all live one way.

There is a huge amount of evidence that it does cause a higher incidence of mental and sometimes physical causes, far beyond confirmation bias

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10565792/ is one bit of research. Scratch the surface and you'll find a plethora more.

I’m sure you do, and as I’ve said many times - not all children will be negatively impacted. It is short sighted to state that we are categorically wrong when some children will be negatively impacted.

I stand by the fact that just because something is traditional in a certain culture, it doesn’t mean it isn’t potentially harmful.

I'm confused. My sil is Chinese and my brother has lived there on and off for 20 years. Theyved never heard of emigrating and then sending your child back without you to learn your language...

It’s far more than simply speaking the Chinese language.
But you know that. lol

Well pretty much, yes. I am happy and have a v healthy relationship with my family. I feel v fortunate and grateful for my education

It's very possible they are in the UK because of their financial situation. You will have no clue and none of your business. Maybe they will all go to China, how do you know where the child wil live in future?

A bit of a far reaching conclusion. Was that your own experience?

Being raised in a non-nuclear family is NOT the same as being raised in a nuclear family for three years and then being abandoned by that nuclear family.

I agree it is, but that's absolutely not what I said, is it? Would you like me to list all the things a three year old might need? Water, food, oxygen?

I’m not saying all norms in other cultures are harmful. As you know full well. What I am saying is that, for some norms, just because it’s the done thing in certain areas it doesn’t mean those particular norms aren’t harmful.

And yes you’re correct - my ability to imagine something (or not) is not proof of harm. There will be other measures for that. I’m just saying there that on a personal level I cannot fathom doing this to such a young child. In my view it is extremely cruel. The kid probably forgets the parents after so long at that age!

That's lovely. My grandparents were very important in my childhood too.

That isn't the same as cultural immersion.

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The kid probably forgets the parents after so long at that age!

Of course they don’t. My mum had four women she called mother (aunts and great aunts). For periods of time she lived with them instead of her mum, or with one or some of them and her mum. She loved all of of them but never forgot who her mum was. She had a close relationship with my grandmother and recalls her time and relationship with her other mothers fondly (one was stricter than her mum, the others spoiled her more but they all respected and loved her as their own).

She would laugh at your suggestion that her cultural upbringing was cruel or less loving/nurturing than a western child’s.

I have young children - I am fairly sure a three year old wouldn’t remember someone they hadn’t seen for a year. It’s a significant amount of time in their short lives and developmentally that would be asking a lot. It would be different obviously for older kids.

Im glad it worked well in your Mum’s situation though and it’s lovely that she had close relationships with her other aunts.

Chinese (there are LOTS of Chinese languages actually) is one of the world's most spoken/read languages. Any person able to communicate well in it has a major advantage over non-Chinese communicating people.

This was your first paragraph. I was pointing out that it makes no sense in the context of a child who is living with parents who speak one of the Chinese languages, and who will therefore raise her as bilingual.

Lots of us have close family living abroad, I know I have. Actually children of that age do seem to remember I assume because their parents (in my case they are living with parents) talk about the family in the UK, they have photos and video calls.

Also in my family my sister worked abroad and would come home for 2 or 3 months in the summer, my kids always recognised her, were excited about her coming even as 3 year olds.

I know childen's mental health seems to be in crisis in the UK, I think we do quite badly on child happiness as well. Are there similar statistics for China, it would be interesting to compare but I can't seem to find anything.

No. But I have met people scarred for life after feeling abandoned as children. So I would say it really depends on whether it's the children's choice and what age they are. It's too easy to say all adverse experiences build up resilience ; it might, but it might also leave you broken.

😂 What?

My ex husband lived with his grandparents from the age of four until they both died when he was 16. His mother lived with her husband, his stepfather, in another country. She did come to visit him and vice versa but not that frequently. It fecked them both up especially my ex husband. He was born in a mother and baby home and his mother the only one of the mothers to leave with her child so I can’t fathom how she could effectively abandon him.

I guess it depends as every family will do it differently, so the child’s experience will vary significantly.

it’s a really lovely cultural practice that’s not so common where I’m from anymore. My grandmother’s aunts basically took on a mothering role when their sister (my grandmother’s mum) died, and my grandmother’s sister couldn’t have children so in our culture my grandmother’s children were also her children- so she was unofficially a second mum to my mum and her siblings. I can imagine it can lead to loads of drama and complications but it worked out well for my mum’s family and meant that my great aunt raised children although she was unable to give birth.

This is not your culture so you have no reason to judge.

This is very common practice.

I think it’s very normal in Chinese culture. My colleague sent her daughter to live in china from age 1 to 16 while she lived in Europe. No FaceTime then and phones calls very limited due to the expense. I also cannot fathom how you could do that if you had any other choice.