To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

[StormCloud52]

An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

It's not your culture so not up to you to judge. A child I knew did the same thing at the same age but 8 years ago now so I would imagine it is a very usual part of the Chinese culture.

Beyond cruel. I don’t know how she could do it.

That’s crazy

@StormCloud52 surely your acquaintance already spoke Chinese to her child?

It is completely mad. People don't realise the terrible psychological damage this type of thing does. The parents think they can bear the pain themselves and are being selfless putting up with it for the benefit of the child, but without understanding what the long term effects will be.

The same applies to sending very young children to boarding school on the basis they will get a good education. Some foreign students don't even go home for all the holidays as they live too far away and have to stay with a guardian.

Well until relatively recently it was part of upper class English culture to send very young children to boarding prep schools. Doesn't mean it was a good idea.

When i worked in New Zealand 20 years ago I worked with a colleague who sent her small child to be cared for by her parents in China. It seemed to be more for childcare though. Having kids of a similar age I thought it really odd.

Presumably. I don’t know.

But in all cultures it must be traumatising for a small child to be removed from everything she knows for a whole year? Without her mother?

Damaging, cruel and unfathomable.
That poor little girl..

Can’t imagine sending a little 3rd old to a foreign country, without her parents, to people she probably doesn’t know that don’t speak the same language! That poor tot will have some serious abandonment issues in the future 😥

Meh she’s going to her grandparents or other close family it’s fine and pretty normal especially pre proper school age

she’ll settle her in and then come back, it’s pretty standard some Parents visit some don’t. I think if for a year they should visit, but considering communication is pretty good and easy she will be fine.

I understand iys a cultural thing... but i really think it causes intense psychological damage to a child that young to be separated from its usual caregivers for such a long time.
Look at the impact of adoption on children's psychological wellbeing even when the child is adopted at age 1 etc.. a massive long term change in who is caring for a very young child can be incredibly traumatic. Even if everyone involved is lovely.

I had to leave my middle daughter for 3 months (due to a family emergency) once when she was 3. And she was with her dad (my husband who has always been with us) as well so not even someone new.. yet she had a lot of trauma from it. Had to get tips on how to deal with her behaviour when I came back because she was so unsettled by the entire thing.

It's damaging.

Going on holiday for a week and leaving a kid with their grandparents or other parent is as far as you could probably go without any trauma..
But a year with a completely new caregiver is going to have lasting psychological consequences

I agree.

Your commenting on something that is culturally accepted elsewhere- and to then say it’s damaging etc- not enough data to prove that- you’re trying to judge emotionally/ psychological data by western standards, when the cultures you’re talking about have this as standard- and I don’t think the entire continents you’re judging are a hotbed of psychological misery. Is it unfathomable to me- absolutely. Would I do it- not a chance. Would I judge someone else for following established cultural practise- also no.

Dear lord have you any clue how the rest of the world lives.
Whether Philipina nurses, South American housekeepers; or even Russian (female) doctors.
The rest of the world doesn't abide by first world centric pearl clutching.

A friend of ours did similar. She is Chinese and her parents have spent a lot of time in the UK visiting and helping to look after their son, so he was very well-bonded to them. She was keen for her son to be able to speak her native language fluently, so when he was 2 she took him over to stay with her parents. She went with him, stayed for a couple of weeks, then came back to the UK. She flew over again about 2 months later to pick him up and bring him home. Her son had a lovely time and he remains securely attached not only to his parents, but also to his grandparents. Personally I'd miss my child too much to do what she did, but it clearly worked for them so I wouldn't judge.

This child is three years old and being separated from their mother. It will affect them.

It feels like it would be very damaging for my daughter- we have a very close affectionate relationship and I can't imagine either of us being ok with this. I have worked in China though and their parenting seems culturally quite pragmatic and hands off. The primary children I worked with boarded at the school and only went home for one night a week.So I can see how this might seem less strange if you were brought up in that kind of a culture. I still couldn't do it!

I don't see why it's necessary to go to abroad to learn the language if the child's mother speaks it. I speak to my children in my mother tongue at home and they speak the local language of where we live at school. They are fluent in both languages.

you are think in terms of how you patent and the type of patent attachment you have want.

lots of cultures parent for resilience and independence based on cultural or societal requirements. Going to stay with grandparents for continued extended periods is extremely normal in immigrant communities.

most children remember it fondly, going to stay with people who Iove care for you for a bit is not abandonment. It’s just something you wouldn't do which is fine.

It's ok, we're allowed to judge other cultures.

It's completely fine to say you think they're wrong.

I think fgm is abhorrent and those that practise it are abhorrent. I don't give a fuck if they happen to be from another culture.

Sorry. Not sorry.

I guess she must be sending her to stay with close family? It sounds not my cup of tea whatsoever but I don't know what's the norm for that culture.

I'd imagine if I had a child with a mixed culture I'd definitely want them to experience it and learn the language. But I wouldn't want to send them away for a year at such a young age.

Maybe holidays and stuff fairly regularly if I could afford it.

I guess boarding school to me seems pretty cruel as well. Like the parents sometimes only live an hour away but they still don't want to live with their child? And it's often for many years.

I was sent to live with grandparents at various stages of childhood. I found it very traumatic and as an adult I have struggled with attachment in my relationships.

We're always told that children adapt.

The child will know where she is going, I assume to stay with grandparents or family. She'll experience her family's culture and learn the language.

The Chinese regime is very strict. I imagine it will stand this girl in good stead to do it now rather than at 6 or 7 when they've got used to Western (whining) ways.

They're not tipped as the next super power for no reason.

It's good that a daughter is afforded this opportunity. Under the previous one child law, she may not have even existed.

How many parents would prefer their child to speak Mandarin rather than French. It will open up so many more opportunities.