To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

[StormCloud52]

An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

I agree with this.

I also question how useful this is at the age of 3.

The child isn't going to learn the kind of Chinese that adults speak, they're not going to learn how to read and write in Chinese, so it's difficult to see what they could learn from a year with their grandparents at the age of 3 that they couldn't learn (albeit more slowly) at home within their mother.

There's also a risk that the child will forget the English they already speak and then come home and go straight into reception in an English speaking school.

My DD is 2 and breaks her heart if I take her brother to a swimming lesson when we are all together at the weekend so I can't imagine what it would do to our relationship if I sent her abroad for a year. (I have left her for up to 4 days at a time on several occasions.)

I bet she won't. I bet she'll have life long issues because she was sent away from her main caregiver for a year at 3.

Or extending the family love and care, it is cultural and harmless when other friends and family are living similar lives.

DD's friend from Nigeria stayed with family for 2 years, she is confident, beautiful and has great respect for her DGP's and Parents.

Her Dsis is studying in Scotland while her mother raises her Dsis baby in Ireland.

It takes a village sometimes.

She’ll most likely be going to grandparents and will likely be fussed over, loved and spoilt beyond measure. She’ll likely already know her grandparents well.

it’s not your culture and up don’t know enough about the situation to comment.

She was separated at 3, for two years?

What a weird statement. What do you imagine the ‘real reason’ is?

This will cause that child deep psychic wounds. Would you be as dismissive about it if they were physical?

It's all so bizarre that people think this is a good thing.

Bit a single one if you saying it's fine would EVER do this with your child.

The cultural intolerance in this thread is painful.
Would I do it? No but my children went to nursery for a considerable number hours from a young age, which was not ideal but was necessary for us to keep working at the time. Do I understand why others would? To some extent. Will the child be psychologically damaged? I seriously doubt this is a given. Attachment isn't about physical presence, it is about so much more. Depending on how this is handled I reckon the child will be just fine.
The Chinese community is pretty successful overall, it may be worth paying attention at what they do instead of being our typical narrow minded self centered western selves thinking we know better. Considering the state of the education system and how people behave here I don't think we have much to shout out about.

Putting the issue of abandonment trauma to one side... doesn't a child just learn their mother tongue from their mother? I don't get why they wouldn't, if you're they're main caregiver, and you're speaking to them in your first language, just become fluent in that language.

Dear god, no wonder wars start.
Once again, just because one agrees with, or refutes an argument, it does not mean one necessarily agrees or disagrees with it. It's called having a grown-up discussion, a debate if you will, to explore all sides of a statement or assertion.
Perhaps watch a few Oxford Union debates on you tube and learn that a sign of intelligence is the ability to listen to sides of an argument and be prepared to have ones view changed.
Not to dig one's heels in and argue like a 6 year old.

Why is everyone assuming that the child doesn't know the language at 3.

Most foreign people that i know are speaking in their own language at home when their DC are little, a huge number of children start school with little or no English.

The DC might see Grandma/pa weekly on zoom already have a close relationship.

The cultural intolerance in this thread is painful.

Are you surprised though? So many westerners are ignorant AF and can't comprehend things they wouldn't personally do.

She’ll be going to grandparents or extended family I imagine?
so she’ll be cared for as part of a family at least. How confusing to be away from mum and dad and everybody not speaking the same language as you.

I taught a little girl who this happened to at a very similar age, except she got sent to a very rural farm in China. When she got back she struggled to adjust so much that she ended up in a special school.

No I personally wouldn’t do it- but I’m from a culture where this is very common and many of my friends experienced this as children.

My friends have much closer bonds with their parents, grandparents and wider family and have a true understanding of their family culture in a way that I don’t, to the point that I sometimes wish I had been sent abroad as a child to learn and experience my culture.

It hasn’t had any sort of pychological impact on most of my friends as far as I can see. The only friend who didn’t enjoy the experience was the one sent to his working father rather than to retired grandparents - he felt alone and neglected as he was just left in the care of house staff at the time.

But it built resilience in any event- and resilience and stoicism are important values that many cultures need to survive the hardship and pressures of non-Western life - something that modern British culture doesn’t understand.

I'm sure if it was part of my culture, then I could think it is fine.
There are parts of every culture that others find strange and poke fun at.
Singing old songs and telling wild tales while playing the flute and bodhrán is clannish to some people, for me, it is heaven.

@ACatNamedRobin I was thinking the same.

@EmeraldShamrock000 lying to kids about a magical old man creeping round your house?

I’m usually more aligned with the ‘they’ll be fine’ side of these posts but this is genuinely unfathomable to me. So many things stand out, the goodbye, the realisation Mummy isn’t coming back, when they’re ill and whoever looking after them isn’t in tune with their cues (thinking about the times mine have been in nursery and I’ve known straight away they’re ill but they’ve masked and played all day while there), favourite meals the way parents make it, favourite park etc, familiar smells. I don’t see how at age 3 this can ever been seen as anything other than deeply impactful from an attachment perspective. Poor baby x

Because some things are just wrong. Other cultures hit children. Other cultures think child brides are fine. Others accept marital rape. Others deny girls education.

We're allowed to say sending your toddler to the other side of the world to a country they don't know for an entire year, alone to be immersed in a language is wrong.

Surely you can see that this is very different from a total immersion 24/7?

I see a lot of bad Western parents do to their children also, how my trauma children have to put up with blended families and partners coming and going, seperation anxiety because parents have issues they put onto children, and all the crap kids get fed and social media

The fact you’re equating this to child mariage and abuse just shows your cultural ineptitude.

Both of these. Absolutely riddled with anglo-exceptionalism. Yet our media reports many are not even competently parenting the children they supposedly cannot be parted from.

I am a forces child. Lots of us went to boarding school. It was an excepted norm, although lots didn't go. I had to stay in the UK with grandparents sometimes. When I look back, would I have rather had it different? Yes, but it was just what you did. Did it affect me? Yes, but I think boarding schools have significantly changed from the semi-Annie type institution I went to!

Life impacts us all. There are psychological impacts from boarding school, but what would they have been constantly seeing my dad leave the house to go on active service as I remember as a younger child. That was worse I think, when I look back. The forces are better at supporting families in this area now as welk though.

I got a good education and was the first in the family to go to university. We can dwell on our past and Icactually think this is where other cultures have a different outlook and a different philosophy/ psychology which COULD lead to better outcomes?? We think this is bad, but how about what it is like for a kid to have no real cultural heritage and feel displaced surrounded by people that don't look like them. I lived in Hong Kong and always felt there was a beautiful culture and tradition within families and the community.