To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

[StormCloud52]

An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

Not the same culture and not the same reasons, but my DB spent a year in another country as well and my mum had to stay, my grandmother went with him and they stayed with my aunt.

He hardly remembers it but my mum did say it was really tough when he came back because there was a bit of a language barrier with me and he was constantly crying for my aunt, she even offered to have him full-time but my mum refused.

I bet he didn't. I bet he had attachment issues etc.

standa for the Chinese people I have met.
the children spend the year with grandparents
the parents face time weekly
noticed similar with some African families, though this is when the parents are studying

As far as attachment goes… who knows… often same thing happened to their parents, who seem remarkably cheerful, resilient and are incidentally very hard working and family oriented

So sending your 3 year old child to stop with family is abhorrent, but putting them in nursery, with people who are not family, for 8 hours a day, from about 7 months old is great?

My assumption is the child will be raised by the grandparents for the year. In many parts of the world it’s completely normal for children to be raised by grandparents. They are more experienced, wise and have more time. This then allows the parent to work and send money to grandparents.

Western cultural norms are not everyone’s norms so it’s unfair to blast this woman on MN calling her cruel. I’m sure she’ll be in close contact with and visiting her child.

child is 3.

Just how fluent will she get in Mandarin between 3yo and 4yo order to justify it?

And will she be able to keep it once she comes back and starts school?

Add to that the separation anxiety both for parents and child and I wonder if it’s worth it.

For a lot the world it is very normal

No, it is was normal for her culture.

I work with a girl from the Philippines, her babies went to live with her DM in the Philippines so she could continue working.

Most of the EE children go back to family on their homeland for summer break, helps with childcare.

Presumably she'll be staying with family rather than going to some sort of language boot camp. Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it's wrong. Lots of cultures view wider family members ie grandparents as important, and learning mandarin which will be even more of a global language by the time she's an adult will set her up well for the shifting world order and the opportunities it'll offer.

Different cultures have different expectations. They might think you're unreasonable not to do similar. It sounds like a great opportunity to me.

Forced marriage and dropping out of school to learn to be a housewife is also ‘cultural’ in some minority groups- should we not judge that too?

You make it seem the child will be doing heavy labour in a sweat shop. But they will be cared for by a family and in a way may have more support from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. You have to be very limited and sheltered to see this as cruel and "unfanthomable".

Has OP mentioned she has a three year old child and grandparents in China?

How can you expect her to do the same? Find a random child and send it to China?

Oh,so what 'real reason' do you suspect? What a ridiculous comment.

None of your business. Nor the business of anyone else, unless you are a person from their culture and can comment from a place of knowledge not knee-jerk ignorance. The pears are clacking like crazy on this thread!
Many immigrants are returning their children to their homelands to educate them, which is hardly surprising given the feral nature of children in schools here (as evidenced by many, many threads) and the low standards of education/behaviour accepted here.
It is a culturally appropriate thing to happen. Not an awful lot different to farmimg your child out to a nursery/childminder all day. Sure, you see them in evenings, but really only for a couple of hours while you provide a meal and bed turning-down service for them.

Given the Chinese are one of the most sucessful academic cultures, and lead in many technological and medical innovations, it doesn't seem to affect them.

My husband is Chinese, born uk and at 6 months old went to Hong Kong and didn't return to UK until primary school age. Didn't speak English, had to start school, live with his parents, leave who he was raised by. I can say it has had an impact as an adult and probably on how he parents! That attached early years is so valuable

Are you a psychiatrist or do you care for these 'psychologically damaged' hoards of immigrants? I mean, I'm sure one wouldn't make such strident assertions without direct experience of involvement with different cultures and boarding school survivors, because that would be silly.

So you're happy to send your child the other side of the world for year then. Where are you sending them?

A great opportunity to give the small child separation issues for life.

No it's not.

And it doesn't mean it is in the child's best interests.

It's just cruel to send them away.

Imagine if this happened to YOU right now. The person you love most in the world decides and forces you to spend a year in another country that you don't know the language for. You can't come back, you have no choice and you don't understand why they're doing this.

Do you think you'd be happy? You think that would have zero impact on your relationship with that person?

Why are you trying this trope? How childish.
It's a counter argument. It doesn't automatically mean the person provding the counter argument has to be in x situation.
So sad

It's sending them the other side of the planet tona culture, people and language they don't know.

At 3.

It's just cruel.

It also won’t just be about learning the language, it’s about culture and being immersed in that culture.

In any case I’ll put bets on this child becoming a happier and more successful adult than many of her UK peers growing up in ‘child led’ homes.

So you wouldn't do this then... Why's that?

Oh because it's not in your child's best interests? Or because you can't imagine being away from them.

Please do let me know why it's absolutely fine for that 3 year old to be sent the other side of the world, away from their mother...but somehow it's not ok for yours?