to ask why would you overfeed your child?

[ineedtoknowwhy]

I'm sure this question has been asked before but, please, can someone explain to me why would a parent overfeed an already obese child?

Every day when I drop my daughter off at nursery I see the same little girl being dropped off too. She is always on her buggy which suggest they live nearby so could potentially walk but never ever do. At pick ups is the same, straight from nursery into buggy. Her face is always covered in chocolate (at 8 in the morning!) and she is always holding some sort of biscuit or chocolate belly so big her shirts don't come below her belly button. I am not talking about a bit chubby, or with a bit of a belly.

I cannot help to think poor child whose mum is happy to keep feeding her biscuits, chocolates, etc. when the child is clearly not in a healthy weight.

I can't help but silently judge her in my head so please can someone explain reasons for this. If you are a mum with an overweight child, why would you do this?

as I said "whatifs"

Doesn't change the output, the result is an unhealthy child.

I have two opposing thoughts on this in that I do agree with you OP from what you've said and I also agree with OPs that a lot of people over feed their kids out of love or because they just don't know what they're doing.

I always give my 2 year old a treat (biscuit or bit of chocolate) when we pick up on the school run but it's the only sweet thing he gets all day and the rest of the time he eats fruit and veg above meals (90% homemade, low fat). People will see this though and judge me I'm sure. We are a very healthy family, all slim and active but when we are in social situations I let my kids have cakes and sweets as I would have a treat then too (at a cafe, with friends etc) so people might (probably do) assume we feed our kids rubbish but the reality is at home we are very strict with diet.

I disagree with pp's saying it's down to poor education/deprivation. I mean yes, often - but not always.

A girl in my dc's school is morbidly obese. Her mum is very tall (6 foot) and also overweight, probably a size 16 - but she carries it well due to her height.

Her daughter is 8 years old and also very tall - a head taller than the rest of the class. But she is also incredibly overweight. She has rolls of fat, she's always red in the face, sweating and obviously struggling at the slightest exertion. She is quite literally twice the width of any other girl in her class. It's very sad to see.

Her mum is absolutely brazen and blind about it. She makes lots of comments about how all the women in her family are tall and strong and clearly dd is going the same way. She makes lighthearted comments about her and her dd wearing the same size tops nearly and it's lovely how they can bond and share some clothes now - the girl is 8! Also proudly talks about how her kids aren't fussy eaters, they're proper foodies etc.

Her mum has two degrees and works in the NHS in dermatology (clinical role). She is not uneducated or deprived. She's just fucking stupid, lazy and borderline abusive to let the kid get to the state she's in.

For some parents it's to make things easier. There was a world War 3 in my house at 6:30 this morning because my 3 year old wanted ice cream. She didn't get it hence the tantrums, then we walked to nursery which is a 10 minutes walk but takes nearer half an hour with her stopping to smell every flower and say hello to every dog 😂.

Some people may just want the easier life or are in a rush. Not a choice I would make but I can see why sometimes.

You are being very judgemental, yes.

I do understand it though, and even as a parent who has struggled with two children who have had weight issues at times, I find myself judging other parents sometimes too - the family who go to Costa every morning before school for a hot chocolate and a chocolate pastry for example.

But I do think it's more complicated. There can be any number of reasons and they are often, in themselves, complicated. DH is an intelligent, well educated man but, for example, the first two are two that I think he is 100% guilty of and that have had an impact on our children at various stages. The third is definitely one I have had issues with.

Lack of knowledge
Food = love
Exhaustion from the constant battle when children are asking all the time
Exhaustion from life/stress/work etc
Neurodiversity
Allergies and food intolerances
Health issues
Other responsibilities removing the time/energy/inclination to deal with these issues
Lack of movement and exercise for young children due to changing norms in lifestyle
Over reliance on pre-made food due to cost/ time/ knowledge
A desire NOT to make food into a battle ground.
A desire NOT to make children thing food is "bad"

These are just a few that I can think of, off the top of my head.

My child is ‘unhealthy’… he’s underweight. He has ARFID. We pay a private dietician, have tried literally everything, but I can’t force feed him. So that’s a ‘what if’ I guess, but I genuinely don’t know what else to do. The result is still an unhealthy child.

I think it’s a shame that there is so much judgement around this without people knowing the full story and only seeing the situation from the outside.
You don’t know if that mum grew up never having enough to eat or her parents withholding food as a discipline. If she has unresolved trauma from when she was young she may not understand what she is inflicting on her child. She may well equate food with showing love and want to give her child what she never had. And why is this always about mothering, when does the responsibility of the father get held up to the spotlight?

Its absolutely outrageous.

I have 3 children and the amount of times i have stood at sports day and watched less than half the class children able to run the width ( not length) of the pitches.

I speak to my children about calories and nutrition, about how important a healthy balanced diet is alongside fitness.
They understand chocolate and sweets is absolutely fine but nutritionally they arent going to give them much so really if they are hungry its about making better choices to fuel their bodies.

My children train in competitive sports so are very active, they probably eat more than most children but what they eat is the key and i want to give them the foundations when they are young to hopefully continue these choices as they get older.

I was also overweight in my late teens to 20s and really would have benefited with the knowledge of how important food and fitness is.

Be prepared for a flaming obviously

But as a previous fat kid (not to the extent of the op, just too much good food) I can say that being obese as a child follows you forever

Obviously it's really bad for a child to be that overweight and yes it is neglectful of parents to let their child get to that point and to do nothing about it.

However... I really don't see the point of this kind of faux-naïve 'But I don't understand why....' thread, which is typical of MN. There are lots of obvious and unfortunate reasons why some parents do this. Do you really honestly need them pointing out to you?

Fair enough @Ticktockwatchclock but it has to end somewhere??

The parent (father included) needs to actually parent, and that means a proper diet

Yes, I have a very good friend whose children's weight is a huge issue. How did it happen? It started with a very sick first born child who had significant health issues which may or may not have then led to allergies and intolerances. When the second came along, they were already into this mode of accomodating and so were perhaps too quick to let him become a fussy eater. All three of her children are ND and seem to really struggle with understanding when they are hungry or full and also are seeking the sensory sensation of eating.

She has seen doctors and dieticians, she tries loads of different foods that are healthier and lower calorie. She cooks things from scratch. She is constantly researching and reviewing options. But it is a relentless, never ending task that fails constantly.

I don't judge her. I feel for her.

A lot of people are not very intelligent and sadly they get to parent children

I dont disagree with your basic premise but this is a bit of a silly statement. DS' football team age 10 and 11 was filled with chilren who were not in the slightest bit overweight.... but they were hilariously unfit. It was one of the reasons he stopped playing - he found it endlessly frustrating that on this team, half the boys could barely manage half a game before they were exhausted!

That’s a little harsh isn’t it?

@NewBinBag my DM is the same. She grew up without enough food, and she and her siblings went hungry so their father could have luxuries. There is/was always way too much food in our house growing up - it's a running joke in the family but it's not actually funny! I struggle not to be the same. I have no idea of normal.

I agree that poor diet is a worry but I'm not sure the judgement helps anyone, though. The mother probably isn't going to be shamed into feeding her kid better - that rarely works.

I don’t think that you’re wrong but your term ‘biscuit belly’ is just ridiculous OP. Any food in excess will make you gain weight - absolutely nothing wrong with a child having everything (chocolate & biscuits included!) in moderation.

No, the harsh thing is children being dragged up by parents who don’t possess the understanding of basic child development. Don’t come at me for pointing out some people are less intelligent. It’s a fact of life, not an insult.

YANBU. It's classed as neglect. Parents have been arrested for it. It's a safeguarding concern. I hope the school take it seriously and escalate.

With use of a buggy and overweight at this age I’d suspect Prader-Willi syndrome.

I knew a parent who fed her very fat 9-year-old loads of sweets and junk food, anything he wanted. One day she told me about her upbringing. I went home and cried. Overfeeding can be a reaction to childhood trauma. It's not fair on the child, of course. I don't think many of us are qualified to understand what causes it and what to do about it.

Yes and they get judged by those who drive their kid around everywhere and by doing so deny their children any chance of normal development. Such a child is stationary most of their life, strapped into a car seat and inhaling toxins. Driving is much worse for them than being out in the buggy. They get all the poisons from the pollution. Parents with buggies are a lot less harm to the kids than those that drive their kid everywhere and take them to nursery and school or activities god knows where feeling good about themselves. Nobody taking their kid to nursery by car is fit to judge anyone.

I know a family who have 3 DCs and they are all overweight, the parents are overweight too. The parents clearly love their children but they post pictures of days out etc and the portions the children (in primary school) have are massive, they would be big for an adult let alone a child. Having an extra large Macdonalds meal at age 6 for example or a huge plate of waffles and cream. I just think the parents have lost sight of what is normal for a child and feed them adult portions along with very high fat / sugar foods. I really feel for those children as it must already be impacting their health.

Oh yeah, I find that a bit annoying. It takes me over 20 minutes to walk to the nursery so I will keep using the pushchair for now.

Size 16 overweight?