Living beyond our means.. will it ever end!

[Wharawho]

Aibu, to be completely fed up with living month to month and barely being able to pay for everything?

For context, we're a family of five... me, DH and 3DS.(7, 6 & 3)
Household income of £70k
3 bed semi- mortgaged (nearly £1k a month- this double last feb when the interest rate went up 😞)
2 cars (15yo car paid off and family car on pcp at £450p/m)
For context we need the family car to fit all 3 kids carseats in and I also require a big car for my business. I hate having finance, but we can't work without two cars or even go out as a family if we had one small car! And we definitely don't have the money to buy another outright.

Despite what I think is a reasonable household income, 1 week after being paid, almost every penny is claimed by our household bills and expenses and we spend the rest of the month penny pinching.
We're one big unexpected bill away from not being able to buy the shopping and I'm fed up of it to be honest!
We don't have big expensive holidays or eat out/ have lots of takeaways.
If anything I'd say we live quite modestly... we've lived in the same house for 6 years and still haven't be able to finish renovating it, as we don't have the money!
I haven't had my hair cut for 2 years, as I can't commit that much money to myself... I'm also in desperate need of a new pair of glasses, but I can't afford to buy a new pair ( I have to wear them all the time!)
Days out tend to be outdoor places, with a homemade picnic and maybe an ice cream for the kids!

We buy our clothes from places like Tesco and primark, rarely do me and DH get anything only when we really need something, just the kids and we pass down clothes through our boys as they grow to save on money.
The kids attend swimming lessons once a week, this is their only "luxury" or "extra thing" they do I'm all honesty, and something we prioritise, as we think it's important that they can swim! Even this I price shopped for the cheapest lessons to make sure we pay as little as possible!
We do have the typical Netflix, Disney etc and go for a Costa 2 times each month, but again nothing extravagant... just living and trying enjoy small pleasures and have something to look forward to!

I paid myself today and after all of our bills and food money we literally have £160 to last the month,.. which includes entertaining the kids, buying school clothes/shoes, treats, covering unexpected expenses or car/house repairs!
We don't have enough to save for a rainy day fund and the minute something comes up, any savings we do have are gone and we're back to square 1!
Last month the 15yo car needed new brakes/ discs and a few other bits to pass its mot, setting us back £500.... we paid for it on our monzo flex (we only use this in emergencies when we really can't afford and pay it back ASAP!) but now this has left us short last month and this month paying it back! (As I say... one bill away from despair)

I work for myself, from home and my business requires lots if space (I've converted our garage)... however my business is limited by my space and to grow and make more money I need a bigger work space/ bigger home.... which we can't afford!

How do people afford to go on holidays, have big flash cars and big 4 bed detached houses?!?!
18 year old me would have been thrilled to bring in £70k... but here we are struggling to make it through to the end of each month!

I guess this is just a rant really, as I'm feeling so deflated looking at our bank balance before the month has even started! 😞
Please tell me I'm not the only one experiencing this!

We’re on 65k and our mortgage is the same as your mortgage + monthly car payment but I wouldn’t say we are struggling?

Like you, we are delaying some decorating projects until we can afford them, and we only take very modest holidays. Two kids rather than 3 and similarly they only do one activity a month. But I would say we are careful rather than struggling?

I work part-time, which is a choice I’ve made and so for us it’s a season of being more frugal but we are very happy. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Husband and I have about £500 each for our own spending after bills and expenses. Get my hair cut and dyed every other month.

I can’t see how our situations are so different other than the extra child? Maybe that makes a huge difference.

Oh my God THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING THIS!
Seriously. Thank you.
I'm in tears sometimes asking DH why everyone around us is able to afford so many more things than us - lavish holidays, expensive white goods, days out to expensive places, city breaks, centre parcs, etc. I know we're all in the same salary bracket. Meanwhile DH and I are drowning in financial struggles and can't afford any of these things and we can't give our kids the same lifestyle as everyone around us does with their kids, which makes me feel SHIT about myself.
DH's parents both died in his 20s and he received no inheritance as when the family home was sold all it did was pay off the outstanding mortgage on the house and business debt. My dad is dead and my mum lives off a state pension and lives in a rented council house.
We have no financial help whatsoever.
Everyone around us has well off, affluent, boomer parents.
And after reading your post, the penny has just dropped.

This seems like it would be a very doable option…as others have said much as you love what you do, at the moment it’s a vanity project and not really viable.
Also as others have said £70k isn’t a massive income these days…well it’s a decent income but everyone’s outgoings are horrendous, and I totally get that £70k doesn’t go as far as you think it should

You’ve had 3 children and that’s an extra cost that will have stopped others having 3 (lovely as it is!) You’re also working in a less well paid job than before that you love but doesn’t pay well and that’s great but will also have an impact.

Is your business more of a hobby or do you see yourself earning more from it? Could you do a few more hours in another job when your husband is at home so no childcare needed?

I sympathise, OP. Far too many people are just paying the bills and not living at the moment. It’s terribly demoralising.

That being said, £70k (gross?) income is not a holidays, flash cars and 4-bed house kind of income. And to be quite honest with you, you clearly have the utter luxury of having the financial space to develop your own business that pays peanuts, presumably because it’s a passion of yours.

Do you grasp how many people would want to do that but can’t afford it as they need to bring in X amount and can’t take the risk? You have a real luxury there, a choice, which you need to start viewing as such.

You’ve also got three kids – another luxury. Is the 3yr old in nursery? What’s that expense? Older kids in wraparound care?

As I say, I do sympathise, but you’ve made some choices that were always choice to compromise you financially.

Have I misread the OP? If you have £4800 per month after tax. £1000 on mortgage; £450 on car; £350 on HMRC that still leaves you £3000 per month!

That seems like plenty to me, as it's basically more than we've ever had per month and we had 3 kids etc.

It sounds to me like you don't manage money well. I don't agree that 70K isn't enough for a family to live on, but it seems like you constantly spend money on "big things" that you haven't planned properly for. Like renovating your house without being able to finish the work, and starting a business that you can't grow. I think these sort of journeys you don't just venture on without having saved and planned enough.

Why did you need to buy such and expensive car? Surely you could have bought a cheaper used, big car?

And sorry to say, but paying for several expensive streaming services + Costa coffees adds up, too. Especially if you live paycheck to paycheck. We don't have money worries, but we buy coffees from coffee shops maybe two, three times a YEAR. Not twice a MONTH.

You don't say where you live, but I expect you live in a more expensive area, and have maybe bought a house at the very max of your budget?

Honestly the answer is income. I don’t know if you can have work life balance, a great job as your own boss and enough money coming in from the sounds of it. Something has to give.

Thank you everyone for your comments both constructive and kind & some quite brutal... I shouldn't have expected less really! 😅
It was nice to get replies with genuine help and advice and not just mean comments! ☺️

I've got lots of things to consider and talk about with my DH!
The pcp always has been a sticking point for me and is definitely something I'm going prioritise looking into alternatives. We need a large car business or no business, I'm not fussy or bothered about keeping up with the Jones' so I'll have a think on that one.

The crux of the matter is we need to earn more as our life really isnt exuburant, yes we can make small changes with subscriptions, maybe being more thrifty with vinted and dropping a coffee or two, but essentially if we want to keep any part of our lives now our salary needs to go up... I'm not quite sure how at the moment, but you've all shared plenty of food for thought!

Thanks ☺️

None of this is your fault, be kind to yourself!
Life is unfair, I’m feeling it, none of my 3 brothers, have Parkinson’s like me, mid stage, at 63, I had plans ( modest ones), I just have to make the best of things, I’m ok , money wise, that doesn’t make up for my increasingly difficult life

Do you love being stressed about money and not being able to afford things? Most people do not love their jobs. 70k is not a good household income for 2 people of your ages both working full time, especially when you have 3 kids. Can’t you find something you can tolerate that pays above minimum wage?

Money Saving Expert would be my go to forum/webpage in this situation.
On the debt board do a SOA or statement of affairs and you will have some amazing advice given by people who've been in your situation.

You make a real good point , no point having a stress free job only to be stressed outside of work on money issues.

You've made a choice with your low income job. Could you supplement it during non busy periods with bank work, or online work on short contracts?

I think you first of all have held on to an outdated idea of how affluent an income of £70k should make you - but also, when you were 18 £70k would have been (still is) a high-achieving income for an individual. £70k split between a minimum wage earner and a £45k-ish earner with a high tax debt hasn’t been a really great picture for a household in your lifetime. You’ve got three kids, which is a really big financial commitment that not many people make these days for that reason, plus at least one pet (ditto) and a car with a proportionately massive monthly payment, as well as what must be a whopping tax bill. At some point in recent years you’ve also taken on a mortgage that it sounds like you didn’t stress test yourselves on properly in the case of interest rate rises - as distinct from how the bank, who want to sell you every penny of debt they possibly can within their legal and regulatory framework, would have stress tested you - and that’s now biting. Bit of speculation here but I’d hazard a guess that if you are in the wedding industry you were spurred on to start that business after having a wedding of your own, which would have cost a lot of money in recent years. These are all choices that don’t actually fit your income at all.

We earn about £60k each in salaried jobs, so £120k altogether plus a small bonus for DH, and it is comfortable but that’s only because we stuck at two kids, no pets, one car bought in cash with savings, family help with childcare, and a mortgage of significantly less than the bank said we could borrow, which meant that the subsequent interest rate rises have been irritating rather than painful. We know lots of families who earn significantly more than we do who wouldn’t countenance the expense of a third child. And to be honest everyone that earns our kind of salaries, or better ones, has spent years consistently working in fairly stressful, long hours, not always fulfilling jobs. No one has a nice lifestyle off the back of a beloved minimum wage hobby job - if it looks like they do, they’ve got money coming from somewhere else and that’s not your situation. I would really consider whether, given you have skills that can earn you a good salary and excellent pension in the NHS and have ambitions for an affluent lifestyle, you’re making the right choices.

I've definitely considered doing a salaried job or even adding some part time hours on top of my business, but i know I'd likely be looking at an entry level pay, which would leave us worse off, as we'd have to pay before and after school childcare for the 3 kids (in our area its £75 per day!).

Couldn't you get that under the 30 free hours if you were working?
I don't know your exact situation but it's probably worth a look.

It's bloody hard right now isn't it? Lots of people are in this situation right now. You'd think having two working parents would mean you'd have a bit more cash to go round.

I would look at selling the cars and buying one car that was suitable for all your needs, I think having two cars is a major drain on finances and if you can at all, try to downsize to one big one.

Agree.

I've never been comfortable with debt and pay off my credit card at the end of each month. I was brought up pretty frugally so have no problem not having fancy holidays, expensive meals out and posh cars.

We've never had a new car and I go to the hairdresser about 3 times a year (and it's a cheap local one). Clothes either from charity shops, eBay OR the occasional very expensive item which lasts me at least a decade! I like stylish things but take little notice of fashion - and that helps.

We've never had a pet because of vet fees. Vets have become utterly mercenary sharp-practice businesses over the last 20 years and I wouldn't have a pet for that reason.

We've both worked for the public sector - so not high-earners - but we're not materialistic consumers so we've managed without feeling too deprived.

Just read all your posts
you went on a trip to national trust place but they’ll be some really nice, free parks locally
Im full time now but when I was part time i
had to watch what I was spending on days out so we’d do different parks and picnics, free trails, free museums.

I also bought my daughter second hand trainers that had hardly been worn
With your food shopping try and challenge yourself to save extra then keep it for school holidays to use as an extra treat

I just don't know what's better, work in a career that I adore, but pays peanuts or in a career that pays ok money, but breaks me as a person!

OP it does not have to be one of those two extremes. You are thinking in a very black and white way there.

There will be something you find tolerable that pays better than what you are earning now. And you need to balance these feelings against how it is making you feel to be struggling so much for money.

How we do it is
Not doing jobs we love
Not having 3 kids.
No family help or inheritancr.

Apologies if that is too blunt..Not intended to be.

I'm on the same income as a single person with 2 dds. My rent is slightly less than your mortgage, my car finance is slightly more. I pay for netflix, prime and kindle on top of my regular utilities and managed to save £100s per month. One dd does gymnastics, both do skating. We have regular holidays. I have no debt

My food shopping will be less than yours, but you need to really look at where your money is going. Do you manage to save for your self assessment?

Well it's a bit late for OP on the three kids front isn't it?

I do agree though that OP could reevaluate the job situation. There is a balance to be found.

Exactly this. I have great credit so get 0% deals and move the money around as needed. In about 5 years my kids will hopefully be grown and independent and I can cut back massively. When they are away I spend about £25 a week on food. It's more like £80 when they're here (which is most of the time). Their hobbies are probably totallling £250 a month but I don't want to stop them..it's great to have hobbies and interests.
If I have a big bill it's put on the 0%. We have short breaks maybe twice a year. I'm not extravagant at all, no designer labels, expensive versions of anything. Phones are second hand androids etc but life I'd to live, not sit huddled in the cold.

OP re glasses, get your prescription updated with a £20 eye test at Boots and then order online for a tiny amount. There are lots of companies.

@Wharawho
Ive not rtft, just your initial post.

Just to say we are the same and have been for years and it feels miserable. We've never been abroad and our oldest is 10 now. I feel like we can't afford to give them a good life. Our disposable after bills, food and all budgeted expenses is £200 and that is normally used for child related or unexpected expenses.

We're thinking of selling our house and moving back into a flat. We started in s flat and moved up the ladder into a terrace. Not been able to afford the move up into a semi. And so now we are seriously considering moving back down the ladder to a flat. That way we'd have disposable income to do things like a regular meal out and a holiday abroad each year. Plus I'd like to be able to buy some clothes, I've hardly bought any clothes in years and buy one pair of trainers to last me the year.

In 2024 I wore the same pair of "vans" every day and wore them through winter as my old boots developed holes 2 years ago and I decided I'd rather have cold feet by continuing to wear the trainers than wet feet like I did in the old boots in previous winters

Like you we prioritise child clothes and footwear. Even a lot of my underwear has holes or is frayed!

Its miserable.

I feel the only outgoing we can control is food shopping so we withdraw it in cash once paid and put it in envelopes and spend that way, it makes me anxious when in supermarket not buying anything "extra" as I worry I won't have enough cash to pay at the till, so in a way that helps lower our food shop costs.

We just can't afford to live and I'm sick of excel spreadsheets budgeting down to the penny and considering if there's anything else we can cut (there's not).

So no solution just some solidarity.