To think childcare should be (somewhat) shared even on mat leave?

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First-time mum here with a nearly one-month-old baby. I'm really looking for is advice on sharing childcare responsibilities when one parent (me) is on maternity leave while my partner works a job that can be flexible, as he’s self employed and can work at home 50% of the time.

I'm trying to work out a routine that's fair for both of us. Obviously, he's working during the day while I'm at home with our little one, but I also need some rest and respite from the 24/7 baby duties. I don't expect a 50:50 split, but I've been slightly annoyed recently. He came home ill, went straight to bed, then took an hour-long bath, and now has gone to the gym (so clearly isn’t that ill). He then said that having the baby for two hours this afternoon is difficult when he's working. I only asked him to take the baby so I could respond to some emails for the first time in a week and have lunch!

He was great for the first two weeks, but now he's clearly seeing childcare mainly as my duty. In his defense, he does take the little one from approximately 9pm-2am while I sleep but this is also weekends and I’m only three weeks into c-section recovery.

We both agreed it will be fairer to have a rota so things are clearly defined. I think since I'm on maternity leave, I should obviously do more, but I'm trying to figure out what's actually fair.

What times did your working partner take over baby duties and How did you divide night feeds/wakes? Also, who handled household chores like cooking and cleaning during your maternity leave?

I did everything while husband was working. So from 6.30am until 6.30pm due to his commute. Then evenings and nights were split equally. Basically non-working time should be 50:50. In the nicest way, you have 1 baby and 2 adults. It shouldn't be too challenging.

I was and still am really lucky in my opinion with my partner’s contribution throughout my maternity leave. He works full time but fully remote, so at home 100% of the time for work. From day one though he split the nights with me, my baby was formula fed so we alternated nights with him which meant I slept through the night until 8am every other day which was a lifesaver. He finishes work at 5pm and would immediately take over responsibility of the baby from Mon-Fri 5-7pm including bath and bedtime routine every evening so I could have a break and make dinner. I picked up the majority of household responsibilities and mental load throughout my maternity leave and he would chip in with bits and bobs (he washed up after dinner daily, did all the dog walks and carted the laundry to and from the washing machine/dryer etc) but I took care of all the other day to day stuff. Weekends we split everything equally

If he’s working how can he look after your baby?

My daughter is 1 now but when I was on maternity leave the day times were all me,
my husband was at work- whether in the office or working from home- he was at work so he wasn’t doing childcare and I wouldn’t have expected anything else, just like now that I’m back at work I wouldn’t have her with me during the day, even if I’m working from home I am at work and therefore not available for childcare.

I did the night times during the week because I was the one who wasn’t at work so was the one who could nap with baby or even just rest and chill when baby napped the next day whereas my husband had to be “on” at work, and as I was on maternity leave we really couldn’t afford him slacking at work and risking losing his job. We did 1 night each at the weekend and each had a lie in at the weekend so that we both got the chance to have a good restful night waking up when we were ready to rather than to an alarm/to baby. We both felt that was fair.

Free time was split equally though. Anything outside of work time we made sure we both had the same amount of time to ourselves so if my husband went to the gym for an hour then I would have an hour long bath in peace for example.

I was doing more of the cleaning/house stuff when I was on maternity leave because I was the one at home every day, it’s far easier to pop a wash on, mop etc when you’re at home and there to do it. Weekends though my husband did the cleaning or we would do the deep clean and the “big” jobs together that just wouldn’t have been doable with a little baby midweek alone. Now I’m back at work it’s all split equally again, or my husband probably does more of the household jobs now as I do more of the nursery pick ups as it’s on my way home from work so I get back a bit later than he does.

I did everything from waking until dh came in from work at 6pm, dh would have tea then do ds bedtime. Ds was a terrible sleeper so I would go to bed around 8pm and dh had monitor until he went to bed around 11. Then at week end we would have a layin each and either parent together or each get a break. Housework I did everything in the week and we split it at weekend

When my son was a baby we did the following:

6am - 8am: Husband took baby so I could sleep. He did feeds, changes etc, then got himself ready for work as he was already getting up for work anyway at that time.

While husband at work: Me obviously

5pm ish - 9pm: Joint, one would cook dinner (normally me), the other would take baby. If I wanted a shower to do some cleaning or just have a break he would keep baby until I had finished and visa versa but we basically parented together when he got home from work.

9pm - 11pm: Husband, I would go to bed at 9pm and sleep until 1am when baby started night feeds. Husband would do 11pm feed and then come to bed with baby.

1am - 6am: Me, I did the overnight feeds as husband needed to sleep to work. Our last night feed was 5am so with husband taking him from 6am, I was able to get 3 hours full sleep which feels like a whole night when you are in thick of it lol.

My husband doesn’t work from home, so couldn’t help me during the day, but if he worked from home I think he would have probably offered to have him on his lunch break if I was in the house.

re the chores - I did all the cleaning, always had done before baby was here. I don’t really mind as I actually enjoy cleaning but i will ask for help at times and he will do whatever I need him too.

Cooking again, it was mainly me as I was at home. When baby was tiny I would get it all prepared and ready for when he got home as nap time ended up being perfect for that. As my son got older and started weaning it didn’t work as well and so we would just decide on the day. If I was able to do it I did, if not he helped when he got home by either cooking himself or taking the baby so I could.

Agree with the above. I did everything during the day while my DH was working and then everything was shared 50/50 the rest of the time

Oh and Friday/Saturdays night we shared the overnight feeds. I took over again from Sunday so he could get a full night sleep before work on a Monday

Regardless though of the adult to child ratio it’s still a massive lifestyle change and an overwhelmingly responsibility to get to grips with, especially if you’re shattered and sleep deprived

I was going to write a response but @Mrsttcno1has pretty much exactly described what we did when DS was a newborn.

I do think, though, that you can get fixated on making sure everything is split 50:50 but that’s not always actually ‘fair’ because different people have different strengths.

We did exactly the same, although DH had the monitor to 1am, but exact same approach and split.

Totally. I find two easier than one because I’m fully adjusted and have forgotten what life used to be like.

Having no down time is a hell of change at first.

when my husband works from home (perhaps twice a week), he’ll hold the baby if I need the loo mid-bottle. Otherwise, nah, he’s working. Important to maintain those boundaries. Outside of working hours (including any commute time) we’re 50/50.

Currently pregnant with my second so feel very happy to read this comment!

Thanks this is all very useful

This won’t be what you want to hear but I do pretty much everything including all night feeds (breastfeeding). DH works out of the home 6-6 3 days a week and on those days he will look after her for an hour or so when he gets in. Weekends he will get up with her in the morning so I can have a lie in and he will always help if we’re having a bad night. He also will look after her as much as I want when he’s not working so I can see friends/get my nails done etc.

I do 80% of the cooking and we have a cleaner so not much to do there. He’s an excellent father and I feel very well looked after, I do my bit by making sure he’s not exhausted and then having to do a full days work without a break.

Works for us and there’s no resentment from either of us as we work as a team, I would hate to have to have a rota!

Working from home doesn’t mean he’s able to look after the baby for 2 hours. He’s working.

As above, working hours need to be out of bounds, 50/50 the rest of the time.

DH left the house at 8 but had already made up 6 bottles ( this was years ago). I did everything during the day. Cleaned and did laundry during baby naps. DH got home at 6 and started cooking. One of us cleared up afterwards; the other did baby care. DH did 11pm feed while I went to bed. I did middle of the night feeds. DH did plenty of childcare at weekends.

@cadburyegghe looked after the baby so I could do my emails (also working but not in the same capacity, wasn’t like I was having my nails done!), and then I had lunch for ten mins.

he doesn’t seem to see the part people are referring to that outside work hours it’s 50/50.

we are three weeks in and I had a c section so still can’t lift etc. if we were three months in I’d do so much more but at the moment I feel we could at least split the weekends (which we aren’t)

@Maray1967 e are adopting a similar night routine. When I do dinner though I’m doing it with baby sat in bouncer! I have just started cooking again as recovering from the c made it tricky

I pretty much handed Dh a baby (and second time around a baby and a 5 year old) the second he came through the door. I could then do anything I needed to do, cook dinner and he’d pretty much sort them through the end of bath time. In the very early weeks, I’d just go to bed and sleep.

Up until about 6-8 weeks, he had them in a sling from 7pm til 10pm, bring to me for a feed, take them back until the next feed around 12/1am and then he’d go to bed and I’d take over. It meant I started the night with a good 4-5 hours of sleep around feeds.

My 2nd was EBF so I did all the feeds, but first was eventually ff. Dh made every single nighttime bottle. I changed the nappies, he got the bottle and then usually I did the feed, unless I was unwell or something. But basically, he was up helping in some way with every feed. We could both function with enough sleep, but didn’t make sense for one of us to be completely wiped out and the other sleeping 8 hours a night.

There was definitely no going to the gym and limited nights out with friends. There will be plenty of time for that when everything settles down, but it’s not in the first few months of having a baby. When he’s not working, he needs to be with his child, more than 50% definitely, to make up for the time he loses while working.

We did shared PL and DH is also a teacher so some time fell in holidays.
During the time I was on leave I did everything while he was at school. Nights were 50/50. Actually I think he did more as he is very much a night owl. Cooking I always do as I like it. Cleaning was split.

Use it as opportunity to think about return to work and incorporate your planned work pattern, into allocation of childcare inc drop offs and pick ups, if you can. That means for him not such a big change in routine, when you return to work. This gives you time to find your feet, whilst he can keep things steady at home.

I did everything from 8am (ish) when DH left, until 6/7pm (ish) when DH came home. After 6/7, he did everything else (tbf, that was an hour or so until they went to bed!). I’d already cooked by then, done dinner and bath time (usually).

When they were babies, I breastfed through the night so he got up in the morning and let me catch up on the last hour or so of sleep.

But if he had worked from home, I definitely would have wanted more help every now and again, so long as it didn’t interrupt work, so I didn’t have to lean on things like CBeebies so I could cook. And I know he’d have wanted to give it during the odd break so he could spend more time with them. He didn’t wfh though, which made the division easier and the lines less blurred.

C-section recovery is no joke. You’re still in recovery phase and I think he should be doing everything he can to help you during this bit, forget the “fair” and “right split of labour” for now. I’d say you’re still in proper recovery-mode until about 6 weeks.

I had a c-section and the recovery is tough.

If you’d had a major operation and not a baby, people would be helping you out loads! There’s something about it being a childbirth experience that makes people think mothers can cope fine - which is absurd since not only are you recovering from major surgery, you also have a newborn!