To think childcare should be (somewhat) shared even on mat leave?

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First-time mum here with a nearly one-month-old baby. I'm really looking for is advice on sharing childcare responsibilities when one parent (me) is on maternity leave while my partner works a job that can be flexible, as he’s self employed and can work at home 50% of the time.

I'm trying to work out a routine that's fair for both of us. Obviously, he's working during the day while I'm at home with our little one, but I also need some rest and respite from the 24/7 baby duties. I don't expect a 50:50 split, but I've been slightly annoyed recently. He came home ill, went straight to bed, then took an hour-long bath, and now has gone to the gym (so clearly isn’t that ill). He then said that having the baby for two hours this afternoon is difficult when he's working. I only asked him to take the baby so I could respond to some emails for the first time in a week and have lunch!

He was great for the first two weeks, but now he's clearly seeing childcare mainly as my duty. In his defense, he does take the little one from approximately 9pm-2am while I sleep but this is also weekends and I’m only three weeks into c-section recovery.

We both agreed it will be fairer to have a rota so things are clearly defined. I think since I'm on maternity leave, I should obviously do more, but I'm trying to figure out what's actually fair.

What times did your working partner take over baby duties and How did you divide night feeds/wakes? Also, who handled household chores like cooking and cleaning during your maternity leave?

I have a 6 month old, we do 50/50 when my partner is home from work. I do all the cleaning, washing etc in the daytime, he does all the cooking. I mostly do all night wakings (my baby is a shite sleeper) but he will help if I need it. We both have about an hour at night to ourselves, we tend to have a long bath each while the other is with the baby, so we both get some downtime. I get a lie in both weekend days (if i want/need them) as I do night wakings over the weekend too.

my husband was off work for the first 3 weeks so we literally shared everything until that point and then we went to my routine above. If I had a C-section, I know for a fact my husband would have insisted on helping me with the night feeds, even if it was just getting bottle ready and/or getting baby out of crib so I didn’t have too, regardless of whether he was working or not.

I also wouldn't be doing work emails 3 weeks PP, why are you expected to? X

I think that’s the bit annoying me slightly is because I’m able to walk now I think DH is dismissing the operation and trying to resume to a split that would be fair if we were at the 3 Month mark for example.

some posters are sharing their routine when the baby is six months which is helpful but we are three weeks in and I shouldn’t even be lifting the car seat so am still limited currently

@WickWoodveru demanding job

Exactly this. Obv it depends what the wfh job is, some might be ok to take a break in the middle of the day and do something with baby, but I think it’s basically on you during the working day hours, but as soon as that’s done - 50/50.

I was on maternity the point was to look after my child

Whilst I don’t deny when he isn’t working he should be available- if he’s working he can’t look at a baby- which is sort of proven by the statement you e made that you needed him to watch the baby so you could work/ answer emails. Maybe talk to him about a fairer evening split?

This is pretty much the same as us, but our DS is 11 months now and I’ve just gone back to work. When I had DS 5 days a week then he took him more at the weekend (largely because he wanted to spend time with him and hated missing out on our weekday fun) but now it’s a more even split.

We both get time to ourselves when we want / need it but it’s all communication. I’ve done a lot of nights recently as DH has had work exams but I’m running on empty with a teething baby and settling back into work myself so tonight I’m in the spare room and he’s taking the strain. If ever one of us needs a couple of hours we just voice it. Expecting the other to somehow magically know just breeds resentment.

That’s pretty awful. I have a demanding job but not while on ML. How long will you be able to take off?

For meals, I don’t really remember but I think whoever wasn’t holding the baby did the cooking. Fairly certain I did very very little in those early days apart from try to feed baby and work out how to sit comfortably. Suspect we didn’t do any cleaning. One hour long baths and straight to the gym are taking the actual piss.

I did all of the night wakings with both babies as I chose to breastfeed (wanted to combi feed with 2nd but she refused bottles! 😬) Also whilst on Mat leave i could rest up/sleep in the day whilst baby napped if needed, wheras DH had full days mon-fri physical labour job with 30mins drive each way.So even if baby was bottle fed I'd still have done most of the nighttime stuff.If he had a job WFH I would have expected him to help more at nights and in the mornings, but not during working hours unless he had some obvious downtime or was taking a break.
WFH is still work.
I think it's important to discuss and agree upon expectations and responsibilities now, to save it causing arguments or resentment between you both in future.

It's essential you get rest and time to wash, eat, talk to friends, sleep, etc. as being alone looking after a baby all day is beyond shattering and can affect your mental health. He should be doing his share and giving you a break each evening. Of course, paternity leave should be a lot longer. It's really hard when you're both exhausted.

Exactly! You're off work on maternity leave - to look after your baby!

All of the best relationships (as in happy couples) that I've seen is when the parents have halved it. So six months each, I think it means the father gets to appreciate how difficult it is. I also think a rota is a great idea as many men need things spelt out unfortunately. I did pretty much everything and completely burnt out, personally I think it's really important you get some time for yourself, the default is often SAHP = 24/7 vs. Working = 40hours. If someone had to do that in their "job" it would be slavery!

I should add for clarity that we were lucky enough for DH to have the first 6 weeks off, so at your stage we were still both at home. My only responsibility at that point was to feed the baby, he did literally everything else (feed me, make sure everything was sterilised, laundry, cleaning, lifting, carrying, shopping…)

Even now at 11 months we’ve both had our own time outside the house as and when but regular commitments like the gym have been on pause, and everything else has been on the understanding that it’s cancelled if we’re more needed at home.

Your on mat leave so you shouldn't be doing any work emails - don't set this as an expectation! I would not expect your DH to be awake until 2am when he's working the next day. Also you shouldn't be asking your DH to watch baby whilst he is technically at work.

It would be good if DH takes charge after work, more time over the weekend and some mornings.

Is he doing his fair share of cleaning, cooking, shopping etc?

This is why dads really need to do a few weeks of solo paternity leave - so they realise how bloody hard it is having the baby all day!

💯

My husband had the minimum when I was off as well and he still realises it’s hard. The key is to not have kids with an arsehole.

This is very different for each couple/baby but yeah I did the lions share of childcare/household/nights (bf) for the first 9 months for each child and my husband did the lions share for the second 9 months while I went back to work (total 18 months of parental leave per child). We’re a team but not all teams have the same dynamics so whatever works for you/your partner.

Babies at that age do nothing but sleep, how can you not read emails?

We were 50/50 overnight and any time my dh wasn't at work. I couldn't breastfeed and expressed all feeds so at night we both got up. Dh fed while I expressed the next feed and then we both went back to sleep. I was never able to nap in the day as ds only ever contact napped. Worked for us and felt fair.

Definitely think working hours are out of bounds.

we did similar to others on here as dd was a terrible sleeper - he’d get home around 6 or so and make dinner, usually with her in the carrier. I’d stare into space for an hour. Then I’d feed and head to bed for 8-1, I would pump enough for a bottle during that time. Then over to me. Anything else I needed to do I just did with her there.

It was much easier in a lot of ways the second time as we were so much less surprised. And had developed the ability to go without much sleep! I also stopped feeling bad about just leaving a baby alone (safely!) for a minute so I could have a quick shower / coffee / make lunch for my older one. You just have to accept that they might get upset sometimes. I wish I’d learned that with my first as it would have made for much easier days.

If he was off work having had major abdominal surgery 3 weeks ago, would he expect to do all the childcare himself all the time because you were working 8 hours a day? Or might he think he was off work because he was ill, and entitled to be looked after and allowed to recover?

Look at a 50/50 split but factor in what you both do. So he does so many hours of work a week. You need so many hours of surgery recovery time. Then there is 168 hours of childcare to be done (split the nights equally). And some cooking etc. Add it all up and split it.