To think childcare should be (somewhat) shared even on mat leave?

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First-time mum here with a nearly one-month-old baby. I'm really looking for is advice on sharing childcare responsibilities when one parent (me) is on maternity leave while my partner works a job that can be flexible, as he’s self employed and can work at home 50% of the time.

I'm trying to work out a routine that's fair for both of us. Obviously, he's working during the day while I'm at home with our little one, but I also need some rest and respite from the 24/7 baby duties. I don't expect a 50:50 split, but I've been slightly annoyed recently. He came home ill, went straight to bed, then took an hour-long bath, and now has gone to the gym (so clearly isn’t that ill). He then said that having the baby for two hours this afternoon is difficult when he's working. I only asked him to take the baby so I could respond to some emails for the first time in a week and have lunch!

He was great for the first two weeks, but now he's clearly seeing childcare mainly as my duty. In his defense, he does take the little one from approximately 9pm-2am while I sleep but this is also weekends and I’m only three weeks into c-section recovery.

We both agreed it will be fairer to have a rota so things are clearly defined. I think since I'm on maternity leave, I should obviously do more, but I'm trying to figure out what's actually fair.

What times did your working partner take over baby duties and How did you divide night feeds/wakes? Also, who handled household chores like cooking and cleaning during your maternity leave?

I did everything pretty much, exh would keep dd with him in the living room from about 9pm until midnight before bringing her to bed. No such thing as work from home back then and paternity leave wasn’t a thing really either (technically ther term existed but it wasn’t generally taken). He did step up a bit but looking after one baby isn’t really that hard, 2 was harder but i still coped

But you also mention that he takes the baby 9pm-2am, so it's not like he isn't doing anything. It's also generally unreasonable to ask him to be caring for the baby when he is WFH, unless he is havinga lunch break

In the kindest possible way, I think that this is the whole sleep deprivation/getting used to a newborn which can make your fuse really short. As you can see from the variety of response there is no one size fits all approach and the 2 of you will need to work it out between you, taking into account each of your strengths and preferences for the times when you will be responsible for the baby.

@ApiratesaysYarrri think I got annoyed as he agreed to do so but then last night had him three hours and then outside of that had an hour log. Bath last night again this morning, slept in, didn’t wash my mug, didn’t offer breakfast and on top of it all hardly did any of his work. Oh, and he slid in a visit to the gym yesterday.

i suppose the thread came in anger over the last 24 hours because of the above, then to top it off the things he said to me in the argument took the absolute piss after he has done hardly any childcare the last 24 hours AND hardly worked either

Also posters talking about while he is working childcare is on me I completely agree but he said this week he only plans on doing a few hours a day, he also just taps away randomly at random hours in our social spaces so I cannot even always tell he is working. We have a study I suggested he goes there so I know but he won’t. I also said he should go to his office so that he can focus, he won’t except here and there.

today however he decides to take an hour out of the day to chat to a company to get a quote for a new expensive patio - so he can take time out when it suits HIM

This saying a rota seems necessary, glad for you in mature relationships but clearly I’m not in one so a rota does seem necessary. For someone to leave my unwashed mug and do all the other dishes when I’ve been up ALL NIGHT sent me into a rage yes. I don’t care how much running around he feels he’s doing, it’s not cool.

I was responsible when husband was at work. Then when he came home we just split it. If one of us was really tired then we’d tag the other one in. Or if one was going out etc. I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to have the baby while he’s working and you are not. In my opinion.

He's not really showing up for you at all.

Here's why 50/50 when not working is necessary:
It's his own precious little baby and he should be champing at the bit to have the chance to take care of him or her as much as possible whenever he can.

You are recovering from major abdominal surgery and will need all the rest you can get to physically recover, for months, not weeks. The alternative, the long term effects of not getting time to recover, is adult nappies for you from age 50. Insist on his full support.

You need time to inhabit your own mind and not be constantly at the beck and call of the baby 24/7. That is not how human beings were designed and it is not how they function well. If he wants you to be available for him emotionally and not wiped out mentally after weeks and weeks of never getting to finish your own thoughts then he needs to step up.

You will be returning to work when maternity leave is over and he and the baby need to be fully up to speed with each other when that happens because at that point he will be doing 50/50 parenting of his own child.

Though quite honestly, any man who comes across as resenting hands on parenting or who feels he is the great I am and deserves time off just because he earns paycheque, and thinks a woman recovering from major abdominal surgery should shoulder the parenting 24/7 indefinitely is a total jackass, and the entire relationship would be open to a fundamental rethink.

He needs a massive kick up the rear end. Would your mother or father be willing to take him aside and tell him he's a prize pillock?

Yes, I'd be raging too.

He is feeling mighty resentful of your 'time off' isn't he, and put upon to have to lower himself to help you, and thinks he a poor unappreciated hero because he's off at the coal face all day.

Can you remove yourself and the baby to your parents' home for the next month?

Someone needs to read this pathetic waste of space the riot act.

Yeah...

This isn't a man. It's a big, entitled piss taker, and I'd actually argue that what you've described goes further.

The criticism of you, the selfishness, the seething resentment, the F* You gesture of leaving your mug unwashed - this is emotional and psychological abuse. You are in a very vilnerable position here (he believes you just have to suck up whatever shite he chooses to fling in your direction because you are stuck with the baby) and he is taking advantage of his position of relative power to treat you with contempt.

Disregard any suggestions to the effect that this is nothing more than a poor diddums having difficulty finding his feet as a new father. Abuse and contemptuous behaviour toward a partner frequently starts in pregnancy or in the post partum period. You need to take this seriously.

Can you and the baby go to your parents' home?

You need to talk to your HV as a matter of urgency.

I looked after the baby during working hours (though DH would pop down in between meetings to say hi and would gladly step in to help if I needed a minute to myself where he could). Everything outside of working hours was 50/50. I also had c sections and was breastfeeding so DH did most of the housework in the early days.

I did the first half of the nights pumping and cluster feeding then we'd swap in the early hours so I got some uninterrupted sleep too.

Don't put up with him not pulling his weight, you both made the baby and you deserve equal down time.

if he can’t clean up after you I couldn’t do overnight childcare for him, wake him after being awake at night for two hours op from now on. He is being astonishing selfish. If he gets a bath in his work day, so do you. And if he’s in the living spaces, assume he’s available. Put baby in bouncer next to him and say since you’re taking a break, I could really do with a nap. Let me have 30 minutes please .

I think in the first few weeks, as long as that takes for the individual, you should be able to focus on your recovery and getting your strength back, which means lots of rest, sleep and gentle excercise, and your partner picking up lots of slack. If women were just allowed that if they felt the need, I honestly think the weeks after would be so much easier, and then you could do the lions share for your remaining maternity leave.

@mathanxietywhen you say it goes further what do you mean?

You don't palm a 3 week old baby off on a night nanny!

You should both get equal rest time. Work is essential, house chores are essential, commuting is essential. He has time to have an hours bath, you have time to have an hours bath. He has time to go to the gym, you have time to yourself to relax. Him looking after the baby while you cook etc isn't counted as you're work working. Chores which are optional / done for fun (eg if you live with a DIY or gardening enthusiast) don't count as then that person disappears and claims they've been working.

When you have a baby it's not fair for one person to just decide if they're going to do something else in the time that they're not at work as when one parent isn't there, the other parents workload doubles.id never expect someone at work to just take on my workload without prior agreement and I don't expect it at home either. By accepting this, it's confining that the baby is your responsibility and he is the optional 'helper' and you're the default parent before you know it

The 'who is responsible for household chores' depends on what your baby is like. Clearly you can't at the moment as you're recovering from an operation. Someone who has a baby who sleeps reliably for three hours a day is going to be able to keep on top of most chores. Someone who has a velcro baby who breastfeed and only naps on them is barely going to be able to eat and shower let alone do anything in the house

This is why I'm not sure rotas work. Partnerships are about give and take, recognising your partner is struggling and picking up the slack as you jniw they'll do the same for you. Also your baby will change and grow, have regressions, change their habits etc. Are you going to stick rigidly to the rota when your baby is sick or up all night teething etc. There needs to be flex on both sides.

I think I could've wrote this a few months ago! I very much felt like this at the beginning, we argued ALOT about it. I think you need to put something in place that you both agree on who does what/when. I'm now 8mo PP and feel a bit differently, things are easier now and I've learnt to juggle everything. So I do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc, and partner works. I do get frustrated that he never offers me a lie in or time to myself, but he will if I ask. Also if I'm having an off day, cooking and cleaning gets left and he'll help pick up the slack when he comes in

Both your posts on this have been unhelpful and unsympathetic to OP. Possibly offering either sympathy or suggestions rather than telling other posters off? I don’t know, just a thought.

Dh used to get baby/kids launched at him as soon as he walked through the door. Most nights I'd be in bed at 7pm so I could do the nights. Dh would stay up until 11ish on baby duty

We took turns at weekend to lie in

I think the key is I need to go bed a bit earlier so I have at least four hours sleep for night duty maybe even five.

He did earlier take baby as he said he “can’t live with me like this” and for me to get some sleep. Kind of him to take baby but ultimately still for his own gain because I’m so terrible to live with.

he then after waking took another long bath and went gym - while I cook and watch baby on the monitor. He also isn’t doing night duty tonight we have a grandparent helping to give us both a break, he really is winning here isn’t he

It’s fine if he wins. The problem is he’s fine with you losing.

I'd be really suspicious if my partner had frequent hour long baths

@Hayley1256susoicious of what?!

Whether he's messaging someone whilst he's in there for an hour

A quick update - DH today said he was working 10-6 but then slept in until 9, came home at 2, had a nap, did some meeting with a tradesman then went gym 😔

I told him I’m not here as free childcare especially given I have some work I need to complete.

not sure what to do

he is taking him 9-12

Do you have anywhere you can go?

I'd walk out and leave him with the baby for a few hours next time he promises to have them.