To think childcare should be (somewhat) shared even on mat leave?

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First-time mum here with a nearly one-month-old baby. I'm really looking for is advice on sharing childcare responsibilities when one parent (me) is on maternity leave while my partner works a job that can be flexible, as he’s self employed and can work at home 50% of the time.

I'm trying to work out a routine that's fair for both of us. Obviously, he's working during the day while I'm at home with our little one, but I also need some rest and respite from the 24/7 baby duties. I don't expect a 50:50 split, but I've been slightly annoyed recently. He came home ill, went straight to bed, then took an hour-long bath, and now has gone to the gym (so clearly isn’t that ill). He then said that having the baby for two hours this afternoon is difficult when he's working. I only asked him to take the baby so I could respond to some emails for the first time in a week and have lunch!

He was great for the first two weeks, but now he's clearly seeing childcare mainly as my duty. In his defense, he does take the little one from approximately 9pm-2am while I sleep but this is also weekends and I’m only three weeks into c-section recovery.

We both agreed it will be fairer to have a rota so things are clearly defined. I think since I'm on maternity leave, I should obviously do more, but I'm trying to figure out what's actually fair.

What times did your working partner take over baby duties and How did you divide night feeds/wakes? Also, who handled household chores like cooking and cleaning during your maternity leave?

Are you getting paid for the work email you responded to?

I agree broadly with 50/50 when both parents at home however mum takes more nights as they can rest in the day.

I think it depends a bit how the baby sleeps and how it naps. So, if baby will happily sleep in their cot in the day (apparently these children exist, but I’ve not ever had the pleasure of rearing one) then I would be more relaxed about night times because I could sleep in the day. If you can’t nap then you need to share the nights. Sleep is the most importsnt thing.

he should definitely be doing some childcare after work, apart from anything he needs to get to know the baby.

I appreciate some posters saying there’s two of us but Jesus I’m not even four weeks into a complete life change and also had a c section, I’m not talking about three months post partum in which case I agree we should have found our feet more by then.

Just wanted to update you all on what happened this morning. Things have escalated with my husband. I've been up since 1:30am with the baby (he had him from 10pm-1:30am), and I'm completely exhausted.

Despite telling me he's only working "a few hours" today (he's self-employed with flexible hours), my husband:

• Took an hour-long bath this morning while I was struggling with no sleep
• Made himself breakfast without offering me anything
• Washed the baby bottles I brought down but deliberately left my coffee mug unwashed because he’s fed up of ‘tidying up after me’ (not true I wash 80% of my things immediately)
• Accused me of leaving dirty nappies everywhere (not true)
• Is only working a few hours today due to other appointments including us jointly viewing a nursery

When I got upset, he suggested I "see a counselor" and claimed I'm "having a nice time with the baby" while he's "doing everything."

He's now criticising my parenting, saying I'm "doing too much" with the baby and that I should be sleeping when the baby sleeps and doing household tasks or other things during naps.

I'm only 3 weeks into motherhood and feeling completely unsupported. The first two weeks he was great, but now it seems like he thinks I should be back to normal already.

Am I being unreasonable to expect more support? I'm at my wit's end.

To add, admittedly I woke up in a bad mood and wasn’t overly friendly and chatty with him but I didn’t deserve that despite

He sounds like an absolute prick. Sorry I don’t have any advice but YANBU to be very pissed off.

We shared everything as much 50 50 as we could. Obviously if working out of the home all baby care was me but the moment my husband was home it was 50 50 or if he could see I was struggling he'd take over completely to let me rest. Night wakings were 50 50 even though I was breastfeeding. He'd do nappy change or pass him over to me so I didn't need to move too much to aid recovery.

When wfh if it was emails and phone calls then he'd still be doing bits here and there so I could wee eat etc Obviously mostly me though.
Weekends were 50 50 or again if I was done in he would take over completely and let me rest.

It's held us in good stead as work are more on board with flexibility so doing days wfh cuddling a sick sleeping baby on meetings have been fine. Taking days off for sick school children. The more normalised it is for men in the workplace the better. Its also meant that all my children see him as a very capable parent and don't default to me! I could die tomorrow and know he'd have eveything in hand whilst Obviously very grief stricken!

What mine also does is thinks about the night before what would make my life easier so having breakfast or snacks made up in the fridge. Making sure remotes were accessible a drinking station was topped up for those long breastfeeding marathons.

He got that being at home wasn't a holiday and looking after a baby wasn't easy peasy. That emotional support and observation of when your partner is struggling was so vital to us surviving those early years and even now.

Oh I've just seen your update op.
I think he is the one needs to see a therapist. He is not on your team at all.
So sorry op it's really shit and not what you need right now. Do you have family or friends who could offer you support whilst hopefully your husband sorts his priorities out.

Sorry but he sounds like a nob and I’d hazard a guess that this behaviour hasn’t suddenly came out the blue before having a baby.
I’ve found some men don’t like the fact that a baby takes their partners attention away from them and ramp up some shitty behaviours. If he’s working from home and is making lunch, he 100% should be offering to make you some too. At not even 1 month in I don’t think I really done much in terms of housework etc because OH done the lion share while I was recuperating and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad but just to give some perspective.
I can only suggest that you leave the baby with him for a whole day and let him see how hard it is to manage.

Your DH also needs to reframe this - he needs to spend one-on-one time with his child not just to give you a break (which is vital), but because that is how he will build a bond and learn to care for the baby too. He should be thinking of it as an opportunity and a positive thing, not just another chore like “whose turn is it to tidy the kitchen?” Yes, it’s hard going especially when the baby is tiny, but if dads don’t invest the time then, they can easily feel massively shut out later by a toddler who doesn’t want Daddy do bath time or story time or be the one to take them to the park or whatever, because Mummy always did everything to that point.

Is this behaviour surprising or was he always like this? People don't exactly change when they become parents but the lack of sleep and added stress can absolutely exacerbate all the worst parts of someone's personality. It does sound however like he might have always been like this and it's just more noticeable and frustrating now.

I think you should just sit down and talk through everything you are seeing, and see if he's even willing to work out how to be a reasonable person here. It is obvious that he should be ensuring you 'both' have time to yourself for whatever, and he should be taking the baby out for a couple of hours on the weekend so you can nap / shower / scroll mindlessly - whatever.

I think it all feels much worse when someone is physically present but mentally checked out - so people working from home can make this so much worse as it feels like they should just 'help' - but really, it's a bad habit to get into, so working hours have to be sacrosanct otherwise you'll end up like another post I saw where someone was angry that their partner didn't skip a work meeting to drive them home from the GP. It is absolutely true that working time is not available for parenting.

Nights are hard. There's no great answer here. DH and I found that if we each had 4 hours sleep a night we could cope - pretty much forever. Under 4 hours things started to go a bit funny and I'd start worrying about driving and such. So it worked out for us for me to sleep ridiculously early and him to go to bed ridiculously late - our kids 'both' were awful sleepers for the first several months. Once the gaps between feeds start lengthening, it gets easier though we still slept in different rooms (taking shifts on a single bed in my daughter's room) for quite a while!

OP - how awful of your husband.

At the end of the day you both are a team. With my first my husband would absolutely make my lunch, he would hold the baby during quieter days when WFH (newborns sleep a lot and he loved newborn cuddles!). He would help cook dinner or just takeover in the evening. We helped each other out because he loved being with his family, he loved being with his son.

I definitely did the lions share but he was always there to look after his wife and child and not to
criticise. You have had surgery and it’s usually the mum
who goes through a big life change. Your husband needs a reality check. He should be supporting you!!

An hour long bath? I would have been in the bathroom and kicked off. The fact that your husband is self employed and works flexible hours should mean he has enough time to get to know his baby and to make
you breakfast! Put your foot down OP. You have the rest of your life to go. Talk to each other. Make it work as a team.

I think you're bottle feeding?
How about doing one day each at weekend with no support from each other then revisit the weekday out of work hours split after doing that
Some couples just naturally work together when a baby arrives so nobody feels hard done by
Some couples that doesn't happen so much as you may not want to - you have to rigidly split non working time into half and share the baby care.

Don't focus on family time - that's for the future if you survive the first year or two

If you have a demanding job, and you always did a lot in the house as well, I think maybe he’s stressed that the ‘woman who did everything’ has turned into ‘someone I have to be a partner to’. It’s a terrible shock.

You’ve had major abdominal surgery plus a major life change plus finding out your partner is a bit of a twat. Do anything you can to get support. Night nanny, family, decamp to a supportive person’s house, get in cleaning or buy easy food. Anything to reduce work. Once you are somewhat recovered, you need to communicate this to your partner:

Either looking after a baby is work, or it isn’t. For both of you. Which means if it’s work, you both need the same amount of time ‘off’ from it. If it isn’t work, it should be simple and easy for him to do it all the time after work, since it’s nothing. You need time. Time to wash, answer emails, relax, heal, eventually work out, and socialise.

But avoid playing ‘who has it worse’ because they don’t listen to that. Try to model being a team and hopefully he will come along. If not, divorce lawyer. But don’t accept doing everything.

Just seen your update OP - that's an awful experience to have with him. Your still recovering from a serious operation!

Is there any chance you could leave the baby with him for a day over the weekend and go to a spa or do something restful?

With dc1, on weekdays I had the baby during the day when dh working; he would take the baby for a few hours in the evening while I had a bath or got some sleep, then I did nights (EBF).

On weekends, dh would help more with bedtime and daytime care.

We split housework/gardening/chores - me doing about 70% and dh the rest.

It’s impossible to agree a fixed split - if you’re recovering from a c section you need more help, that’s inevitable!

Between work hours (8am and 4/5pm) baby would be my responsibility unless DH had a day off booked. Days off were 50/50. Nights I always did on mat leave as he worked.

Weekends 50/50 - one gets a lie in one day, the other the other. One does the late night one day, the other the other.

My DH was also a avid gym going - we would split the week 3 nights each for our 'own' time, one family night. I rarely went out to the gym or anything but it was more making sure DH was at home doing his fair share for the 3 nights that were my time

Your update doesn’t make him sound great, OP.

I know this isn’t the point - and, like I said upthread, you’re too post-surgery to think about things like equal split yet as you’re still VERY post-op! - but is any extra help a possibility? Like a cleaner or something?

as above at home or out work is work. Glad he takes some night chunk for you to sleep, weekends etc is 50/50 as a starting point. If in months to come baby is easy, sleeps well etc and your weekdays are pretty chill then you can do a bit more at the weekend as you get some chill every day

I think I'm a bit old fashioned but I feel if your on mat leave then it's your job in the day to look after the baby, he is working afterall. In the evenings my oh would help with looking after the baby, sometimes bath them, change nappys ect but I generally did the housework still. It's a bit much needing to draw up a list of who does what to be honest! You could just say I'm tired today please can you cook tonight ect and suggest he helps out more with the housework / cooking. I did all the feeds at night as I was breastfeeding so he couldn't be much use there. To be honest with you I think it is generally the mum that does most things when baby is little especially if you are breastfeeding, I never got rest at night your so lucky there.

You absolutely shouldn't have asked him to take the baby during his working hours. Your emails should have waited if you couldn't take care of them with the baby, and you need to figure out how to manage to have lunch while with the baby.

Having said that, when he's not "at work" you should be dividing things pretty evenly. I missed if you are breastfeeding. If so, then obviously you'll be with the baby more often, so he should be picking up the slack in other areas. It's also important that you both have down time. So he should be able to take a bath, but so should you. And honestly, with both of you and only one child it shouldn't be that difficult. It does sound like he's not thinking of the two of you as a team though, which is the perhaps the main issue and I think you need to try to address that.

He is totally being unreasonable.

When DT’s were born DH did not work from home so I was the primary carer during the working day. All other times, including nights, it was a joint effort - one fed one DT and one the other (thankfully they were quick to sleep through the night). We had a cleaner six hours a day, three days a week.
Our families didn’t live in the UK but my wonderful DMil flew over and stayed for a few weeks when DT’s were about six weeks old and my DM’s came over many weekends.

Just seen your updates, having a new born is tiring for everyone. Couples can find it a big strain and arguments will happen if your not on the same page. He probably doesn't realise how exhausting it is and sometimes you can't put the baby down to do the house work. I remember crying because it took me ages to change the bed because my baby kept crying. This is all normal, sleep deprivation not being able to fit things in, feeling like shit, so dont feel pressured into everything being perfect it won't be! Your early days so things will get more in to a routine as you go along

Whilst your partner is working then childcare is 100% on you.

When your partner is at home, childcare is 50/50.
(obviously you will have to look after baby whilst he is getting ready for work too)

You should both get one lay in each other the weekend, Saturday you get to stay in bed until 9am. Sunday, your partner gets to lay in until 9am.

You should be getting breaks in the evening to have a bath, see friends or do a hobby once a week. He should be having breaks too, see his friends / hobby once a week too.

Being on maternity leave you’re off work and obviously will feel like you’re doing 80% of the looking after baby, because you are. It’s unreasonable to expect him to look after baby during his work hours at home.

Just seen your updates and he’s definitely taking the piss