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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at my neighbour using my garden area?

186 replies

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 19:46

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

OP posts:
MindfulAndDemure · 30/04/2025 19:50

It's not unreasonable to not want other people to use your private garden.

I would suggest speaking to him, and letting him know that you each have your own sections of garden, and he needs to use his own section to dry his clothes. He might not be aware that there are specific sections for each flat.

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/04/2025 19:51

I’m sorry this is far too difficult to follow. Does he even know he has his own bit of garden elsewhere? I can’t trawl through all that just to find the obvious.

EsmeSusanOgg · 30/04/2025 19:52

Just message and say you're in the process of clearing your garden area - can he put his drying out in his garden area.

Do the tenancy agreements specify that the gardens are portioned out for each flat? Or do they discuss a communal area? Would be good for you to ha e that I do to hand if needed.

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

AFrankExchangeofViews · 30/04/2025 19:53

Does he realise he is trespassing? He needs to be informed he is, that this is your private property and if he continues to trespass and create a nuisance on your property you will call the police and ask for their assistance.

TheMumEdit · 30/04/2025 19:54

Just day to him. He prob doesn’t realise
and if he does he’s chancing his arm !!

comealongdobbeh · 30/04/2025 19:55

The best thing to do is speak to him. Ask him if he’s aware that you all have your own private gardens and if he isn’t, then explain and let it go. If he is aware, tell him you’d like him to use his own garden and not yours from now on. If he continues to use yours without permission, then it’ll become a bigger issue.

CountryQueen · 30/04/2025 19:56

I bet he doesn’t know it’s not communal. Just say to him next time he uses it, Darren, this section is my garden, only for me to use and I don’t want to share it I’m afraid. Yours is in the opposite corner, thanks for understanding

heartsinvisiblefury · 30/04/2025 19:56

Tell him to stop using your private garden. Immediately.

AlertCat · 30/04/2025 19:56

CountryQueen · 30/04/2025 19:56

I bet he doesn’t know it’s not communal. Just say to him next time he uses it, Darren, this section is my garden, only for me to use and I don’t want to share it I’m afraid. Yours is in the opposite corner, thanks for understanding

This

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 30/04/2025 19:57

It sounds like he just isn't aware that the area is private. A polite conversation explaining the garden layout would be absolutely fine. Put a note through the door if necessary.

RedHelenB · 30/04/2025 19:59

Are they private though or was it an informal agreement to portion the garden up? You need to talk to him about it OP

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 30/04/2025 20:01

A polite note might help you. Something like

Dear (name) you might not be aware but your garden area is at the far end and the area closest to my doors is my private garden. I would appreciate it if you would respect my privacy by using only your allocated area when you want to use the garden.

Thank you (your name)

HollidayRanger · 30/04/2025 20:01

Just tell him
or leave a note on it

TheFlis · 30/04/2025 20:01

All those saying he probably doesn’t realise it’s only the OP’s garden, he’s already been told that and asked not to use it once when he put up football nets. He’s being a CF and I bet chancing his luck that an older lady won’t want to stand up to a young bloke.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/04/2025 20:02

He knows it's private because he asked OP previously to use it for football. He's being a dick OP, it's not you or your thinking - it's him. You need to tell him flat out he may not use your garden as you need to be able to use it whenever you want, and it is yours. If you don't feel able to tell him do you have a more robust relative who could (politely) do it for you?

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 30/04/2025 20:02

Drop a note through his letterbox. And DON'T apologise on it.

I've noticed that you've been using my patio/garden area to put your washing outside. You have your own garden space for that and I'd appreciate keeping mine for my own use. Happy to show you which bit is yours if you didn't realise. Thanks.

Cardinalita90 · 30/04/2025 20:04

You need to say clearly that you dont want him using it because it is yours. Dont hide behind statements like because the Gardener is coming or you need to weed your patio. He needs to understand he can't use it because it's not his. He might as others say not realise, but I'd go up and knock or put a note through and explain that. The longer it goes on the more awkward it'll be to raise it.

Hoppinggreen · 30/04/2025 20:04

If you own the flat is the garden shown on your deeds are belonging to your flat?
My concern is that if this was always a casual arrangement all residents may have the right to access all of the garden.
I am not a lawyer though

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 30/04/2025 20:04

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/04/2025 19:51

I’m sorry this is far too difficult to follow. Does he even know he has his own bit of garden elsewhere? I can’t trawl through all that just to find the obvious.

You must be pretty inarticulate if you can’t follow that. Nasty.

Dearg · 30/04/2025 20:04

Drop a note through his letter box. Don’t apologise, just say ‘
Neighbour, I’ve noticed you have taken to using my garden for your airer.
Please don’t. Your garden area is x ( draw a grid if that helps)
. Please use your own area.
Thanks
Auti
He likely doesn’t realise , but put a stop to it before he has his mates round for beers in your patio.

LittleGem87 · 30/04/2025 20:05

People are so so rude!

ThDanielDay · 30/04/2025 20:06

Tell him to get to fuck.
Hes either ignorant or the situation (unlikely) in which case he'd be apologetic and embarrassed or (more likely) he's relying on making you feel petty and establishing a precedent so he can take the piss.

Either way cut it off early

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 30/04/2025 20:07

Dearg · 30/04/2025 20:04

Drop a note through his letter box. Don’t apologise, just say ‘
Neighbour, I’ve noticed you have taken to using my garden for your airer.
Please don’t. Your garden area is x ( draw a grid if that helps)
. Please use your own area.
Thanks
Auti
He likely doesn’t realise , but put a stop to it before he has his mates round for beers in your patio.

I recommend using this wording.

OP I sympathise. He’s cheeky and you shouldn’t have to deal with such nonsense. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 30/04/2025 20:07

Have you got a copy of the agreement about the gardens? You could add that to a note through the door.
Otherwise, move his washing every single time without fail. I'm not sure of the fencing situation (I know you said a small fence) but would it be possible to secure your garden with a gate/higher fencing? I'd also definitely put up my own rotary washing line if that is what you had planned. You can always fold it down after use and even pop a padlock around in if needed (as pathetic as that sounds, it makes the point).

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