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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at my neighbour using my garden area?

186 replies

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 19:46

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 12:37

CaptainFuture · 01/05/2025 12:16

Now @Hoppinggreen don't be rational...this is mn! The only option is of course police and maybe contacting the landlord to get him evicted.....🙄

Don't forget throwing his washing on the floor and jumping on it !

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:39

Growlybear83 · 30/04/2025 21:38

I can’t believe you’re listing about this on Mumsnet instead of speaking to your neighbour! He may well not have any idea that this section of the garden is yours and he has his own area.

You didn't bother to read the context then. Or you're ignorant of the struggles that many autistic people go through on a daily basis.

OP posts:
AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:43

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2025 21:29

Op do you get on with him in general? Ask him if he's aware that each flat has it's own private garden and to please only use his own.

I see him in passing, and we share a friendly "hi". I've never had a full on conversation with him (I rarely have a full on conversation with anyone that I don't know well. Small talk isn't my friend).

But as you and others have suggested, I'm going to have a word with him when I see him next.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate it!

OP posts:
AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:45

LatteLady · 30/04/2025 21:53

You may need to do, what I resorted to, today... I hung out my washing... including my rather large over the shoulder boulder holders... it moved one of my neighbours out of the garden, who has taken to sunbathing in the garden!

This made me smile. Thank you 🙂

OP posts:
looselegs · 01/05/2025 12:55

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

And please check your spelling before you post about anyone else's comprehension....

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:57

Anon517 · 30/04/2025 21:57

@AutiAngst I really do feel you with this and this could be describing me with the confrontation and seeing things in right/wrong. I have a terrible thing of feeling things are unjust yet wouldn't want to say because I can’t cope with the confrontation.

Would you possibly feel brave enough to write a short note (if you struggle to be concise maybe someone on here could help) and then post it through his door? You could explain that you feel uncomfortable to say it face to face or something because I think some people would wonder why you didn’t just speak to them personally.

Thank you. Yes, it's hard being so black and white. I know the world isn't that simple and I try not to let it get to me but I just hate unfairness in any form, but I also hate confrontation so I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. You'd think I'd know by now but it seems to get harder as I get older, not easier.

I've decided I'm going to wait until I see him and have a quick word. I see him coming and going fairly regularly, so I shouldn't have to wait long. I was leaning towards the 'note through his door' idea but the thought of waiting for, and possibly never receiving, a response, was too much for my anxiety to cope with. I think I'd rather talk to him face to face, friendly and quick, and get it over and done with 🤦🏼‍♂️

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 01/05/2025 12:58

Id be sitting outside when its nice with a cup of tea. Then when he arrives with his washing, ask him if he knows this is your private garden.

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 13:03

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 30/04/2025 23:42

In what world is such polite language 'conflict'?

In an autistic world where even "politeness" can result in negative reactions. And negative = conflict in many an autistic mind.

See some of the replies on this thread for examples....

OP posts:
Blackdow · 01/05/2025 13:06

Just have a plan for if he starts with “I’m not doing any harm/just move it if it’s in your way/it’ll only be when it’s sunny.” Since you struggle with conversation, have that pre-prepared.
“No, it’s my patio and I want to use it so you can’t have your things there even if it is only once a week.”
”No, I have mobility issues and moving your things is a struggle so you need to just keep your thing in your own garden.”
“No, it’s my garden and I want to use it.”

CiaoMeow · 01/05/2025 13:08

Yes, if you ca find the paperwork it will bolster your confidence and make your case stronger. These things can get lost in the mists of time when the different companies, or whatever, keep changing.

Good luck!

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 13:10

I’m guessing your neighbour has NO CLUE about the garden arrangement (as you understand it) and thinks the whole space is communal. He will be mortified when you tell him!
BUT, check your facts first. Many an official has made incorrect statements about tenancies etc, so if you do not have, nor have seen, anything in writing about the plot splits, you need to verify you were informed correct before talking to your neighbour.

FWIW, I think you’re over-worried about how unreasonable you fear you are being. If you are right about the plot split, you are being incredibly reasonable about all this!! He’s in your space!!!

AlmostSummer25 · 01/05/2025 13:10

fgwcam · 30/04/2025 22:02

OP says "I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer."

She asked him to move the goal nets because the gardener was due.
She didn't say, "please move the goal nets because the garden isn't communal, this bit here is mine, yours is over there".
So no, he hasn't been told.

Well, she said her gardener was due, she's hardly going to be paying a gardener and calling him her Gardner if the garden isn't hers.

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 13:11

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/04/2025 22:54

Do you really think that he hasn't wondered whose the rest of the (overgrown, unused) gardens are? He's never sighed - or mentioned to any of the other neighbours - that it's a great shame that he doesn't also have a garden; only to be told/realise that he does have a garden of his own, if only he can get his arse into gear to clear it?

He's clearly an 'assertive' character, who doesn't ask questions and just assumes to his own advantage, so even if he didn't realise that one of the unused gardens was his, why wouldn't he just clear one himself and then use it - like he is doing with OP's garden - on the basis that, if anybody ever has a problem with it at any time, they can just tell him and he can say that he assumed it was all communal, like he's already done with the garden that obviously has been cleared and is in use?

He isn't confused at all; he's just a lazy CF wanting to coast on the back of the efforts of a considerably older, health-compromised woman and either hope she won't notice (which she clearly will and has) or otherwise bluster, bully and insist to her that he should still somehow have the right to use it anyway.

This!

He knows. He must know. I'm the only one that has ever tended to their garden since he's lived here. And I've only ever tended to the one area. Plus, it was impossible, until I cleared the patio, for anyone to use it at all and at no time did he ever clear a bit so he could put his dryer out there. BUT moment I DID clear it, he was out there with his dryer.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he doesn't know we each have out own garden area, he DOES know that it was me who cleared that area, not him. But he still feels entitled to use it. It just feels super cheeky.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer25 · 01/05/2025 13:12

Lookingtomakechanges · 30/04/2025 20:57

He may need telling again. He may have imagined that she just thinks of it like that, not that it’s her property.

Yes, he might.

But I think it's more likely he's just being an entitled CF, then that he doesn't know!!

I haven't had a chance to catch up with the thread yet or any updates from the OP so I won't make any more comments yet.

AlmostSummer25 · 01/05/2025 13:17

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 13:11

This!

He knows. He must know. I'm the only one that has ever tended to their garden since he's lived here. And I've only ever tended to the one area. Plus, it was impossible, until I cleared the patio, for anyone to use it at all and at no time did he ever clear a bit so he could put his dryer out there. BUT moment I DID clear it, he was out there with his dryer.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he doesn't know we each have out own garden area, he DOES know that it was me who cleared that area, not him. But he still feels entitled to use it. It just feels super cheeky.

Auti

it is really cheeky. I hope you feel empowered enough by this thread to leave a note on his airer (if you don't feel comfortable going to speak to him) and say something like..

Please don't put your airer on my garden, as you are aware this piece of the garden belongs to me & I have cleared it for my own use. If you are unsure of which plot of garden is yours please feel free to ask.(unless it's easy enough for you to draw a diagram to highlight his piece of garden then do that.)

It's perfectly polite, it's perfectly acceptable to ask him not to use your garden that you have cleared. It's not confrontational or aggressive, and you are well within your rights to do it.

I hope that sorts it out for you and you can have peaceful use of the garden you have cleared.

xx

ickky · 01/05/2025 13:20

He is taking the piss. If you get no joy after speaking to him, contact the housing association officer for your flats and get them to write to him.

How is he getting in? Can you put a padlock on the gate?

AlmostSummer25 · 01/05/2025 13:25

@AutiAngst

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ I should have read all of your posts, instead of just your last one, sorry💕

I see you have decided you'd rather speak to him face-to-face and get the conversation over and done with rather than leave a note that may not be replied to.

I hope you see him soon, so I bet you can get it sorted as soon as possible.

Any hassle with him or refusal definitely get onto the HA and get them to sort it out, I know many of them are absolutely hopeless, but you can usually eventually find someone that will help!!

Best of luck

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 13:32

So we have definitely established that the area garden is legally OP's exclusively have we?
This will be the 4th (and last to everyones relief I am sure) time I have asked this with no response.

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/05/2025 13:34

If the polite word doesn't work, then if it were me, he'd find his washing shoved wherever I could manage it (as I use a wheelchair this means the airer would probably fall over as I'd be shoving it with my feet) and covered in cut grass etc from the strimmer. Which would soon stop him putting the bloody airer there!

He knows damn well its your patch and you've cleared it for your use. He's a cheeky fucker. Hopefully a polite word will make him back off!

Toucan123 · 01/05/2025 13:42

"Hi Bob hope you're well and enjoying the sunshine!

Just a quick note re. the garden area - I'm not sure if you're aware that the section you've been using to hang out your laundry is mine? Then other sections are allocated to yours and other flats. I would offer to recommend my gardener to you but he's no longer in the area unfortunately, so I've been doing all the work maintaining my section myself!

I'd be grateful if you'd not put your clothes drier or anything else in my garden going forward.

Many thanks!

AutiAngst"

Sunshineandoranges · 01/05/2025 13:43

I would write a very polite note and pop it through his door. This would give you the time to be sure you said what you want to rather than get flustered. I would not question the separate gardens. I’d say something like hi jon, you probably don’t realise that there is a section of garden allocated to each house. Mine is the one closest to ….. yesterday you put your washing out in my garden which made it hard for me to do the gardening I wanted to do. I have a condition which causes me pain and my garden is important to me. Your section of garden is ….. kind regards.. Writing down what you want to say, waiting, checking it in case you want to change anything might be better than trying to explain in person. Good luck.

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 13:51

Thank you to all those who responded in a kindly manner, I appreciate all your replies. I've decided to speak to him next time I see him. He may not know the gardens were divided up, and though he knows he wasn't the one to clear the space he decided to start using, I'm going to let that go for the moment.

I don't know if it was official or not, I don't know if it's in the tenancy agreement. I'm going to check but I don't think that it will be. I think it was simply a case of the tenants getting together and agreeing, and then the HA rubber stamping it. They must have it on file somewhere because they knew enough to tell me when I first viewed my flat, and they don't bother to send gardeners here. If they thought it was communal, they'd have to maintain it, and they don't. But I know that doesn't make it "legal".

But, I'll have a friendly word with him and see what happens.

Some of you have given me a good idea of what to say and I want to thank you for that. A lot of you said I should just get on and tell him, but many autistic people struggle with tone and we're not good with 'sugar coating things. So what we say can come across as direct, harsh, or antagonistic, even when we don't mean to be. And of course, that then creates conflict, which I can't cope with. So I hope you can understand (even those who failed to understand why I needed advice to start with) that not everyone is gifted in such ways, and I appreciate the pointers.

I probably won't be back on here for a while until I get to speak to him, and that could be days away.

*I'm going to ignore those who decided it would be just better to criticise my ND traits rather than be truly helpful (you know who you are)

OP posts:
Snazzysausage · 01/05/2025 13:57

Just curious as to whether you put your own washing on your patio? I wonder what he would do if your airer was there.
He's 100% a cheeky sod who's taken advantage of your hard work. I know you said you're going to speak to him but I must admit I would first start by putting a note through his door to enable him to save face. Something like
Hello Brian,
I've noticed you're putting your washing on my patio to dry.
I do appreciate you're wanting to take advantage of the lovely weather but I'm gradually sorting my garden out so I can hopefully enjoy sitting out in the summer.It's a work in progress and the washing being there has at times restricted me.
Can you please use your own garden in future - in case you've forgotten which bit it is,it's the bottom right-hand patch.
Thanks Mary at no 6.
It must be difficult to put in boundaries in your position and I wish you good luck.💐

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 13:58

Thank you for finally answering my question OP.
Please don't think that I am not 100% on your side here, I just felt it was important for you to be sure of the facts in case your neighbour pushes back.
Unfortunately if the arrangement has never been official you will be relying on his goodwill and there does not seem to be a lot of that.
I hope you can resolve it and enjoy your garden

Snazzysausage · 01/05/2025 14:13

@CiaoMeow Is there a possibility you could buy/put some stuff of your own there so he can't just come and use that space? Maybe table and a few chairs. garden containers or a bit of garden ornamentation?
I suspect the op would go out to find the cheeky sod and his son having their tea at the table!