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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at my neighbour using my garden area?

186 replies

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 19:46

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/04/2025 21:29

Op do you get on with him in general? Ask him if he's aware that each flat has it's own private garden and to please only use his own.

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 21:32

mindutopia · 30/04/2025 21:07

Just bring his airer and clothes inside. He’ll stop doing it when he has to knock and ask for his pants back.

If I were brave enough, I'd do that, but....conflict 🤷🏼‍♂️ This made me smile though, so thank you!

OP posts:
Lookuptotheskies · 30/04/2025 21:32

OP are the flats private rented or housing association?

Is this something the landlord/estate agent/housing association could contact him about. You could ask them to reiterate to all of the flats that each flat has it's own corresponding small individual garden and that they are not communal.

He might not know.

If you don't have an agency that can make contact maybe a printed sign could be put up in a communal hallway?

Both would be non-direct ways for you to let them know and see if it improves things.

RinkyDinkDrink · 30/04/2025 21:33

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/04/2025 19:51

I’m sorry this is far too difficult to follow. Does he even know he has his own bit of garden elsewhere? I can’t trawl through all that just to find the obvious.

It’s not. It’s perfectly clear but I’m sure she’ll live without your feedback as everyone else can understand it.

FairFuming · 30/04/2025 21:34

Do you have any relatives or friends who are more confident to knock and ask him to stop for you? Otherwise a note is a good way to go.

Does he definitely know it's your garden and not a shared one?

nomas · 30/04/2025 21:37

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 21:29

Yes, I logically know this is the answer. I'm just so anti-conflict 🤦🏼‍♂️

It’s not conflict. Just tell him politely that’s your garden and he can’t put his dryer there.

If you can’t talk to him, drop him a polite note.

Growlybear83 · 30/04/2025 21:38

I can’t believe you’re listing about this on Mumsnet instead of speaking to your neighbour! He may well not have any idea that this section of the garden is yours and he has his own area.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/04/2025 21:38

It's quite hard to follow everything you've said.

From what I can see it seems like you simply need to speak to them. Not angry or confrontational, but just mention that each garden is allocated to each flat and then gesture to yours to show it's just for your use.

I'm sure they just either didn't think or didn't realise. Don't let it upset you unless they willfully continue to use your area after it's been explained.

If it gives you more comfort or privacy you could add a gate/ further fencing/ plants to separate your portion from the others.
But falling out with your neighbours over such things would make things worse.

NeedyNavyTiger · 30/04/2025 21:39

You’re not being unreasonable and I’m sorry this has upset you so much. Do you get on well with another of the neighbours who could maybe explain to upstairs man that each flat’s garden is only for the use of that flat?

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 30/04/2025 21:39

Why is everyone being so horrible to OP? She needs sympathy and a handhold, living alone and has posted for advice and moral support…

FairKoala · 30/04/2025 21:41

Pin a note on to his undies telling him where his garden is.

If he continues give his Washing a liberal soaking with a watering can each day. Throw soil around.

If he is going to leave his laundry in your garden whilst you are gardening what does expect to happen

EilishMcCandlish · 30/04/2025 21:42

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

Please explain - what is the lobe of god?

I refer you to Matthew 7:3-5 for support in understanding this request.

andthat · 30/04/2025 21:43

@AutiAngst is the garden legally yours?
Was the arrangement to split the garden drawn up by a solicitor or was this an informal arrangement?

The answer to this is really important when it comes to how you handle it.

If it’s the former, you can ask him to stop using it and/or find a way to secure it.(and as for conflict… asserting your boundaries does not equate to conflict)

If it’s the former, then you are going to have to rely on his agreement to respect the arrangement that was determined by previous tenants… and that will be harder if he doesn’t care.

SD1978 · 30/04/2025 21:44

You tell him that it’s not a communal garden, and let him know where his plot is, and that you will be using yours. If that doesn’t stop it then you report him to his landlord. He’s taking the puss and assuming you’re not going to say anything. Stop it early.

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 21:46

Thank you to all those who politely replied, and even to those who didn't respond but just scrolled by because it was too long. I appreciate it.

Thank you to those who made suggestions. I know I need to grow a backbone.

Thank you also to those that simply ignored it, instead of making snippy comments about its length or layout. I appreciate that too!

I'm going to try and sleep now and will think about this some more tomorrow. I may be braver then.

OP posts:
TheGrimSmile · 30/04/2025 21:52

I think he doesn't know. Just tell him - that bit is yours, this bit is mine.

LatteLady · 30/04/2025 21:53

You may need to do, what I resorted to, today... I hung out my washing... including my rather large over the shoulder boulder holders... it moved one of my neighbours out of the garden, who has taken to sunbathing in the garden!

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2025 21:54

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

Seriously

Maybe if you'd made the slightest effort to read PART of the post you'd see why that was unkind and unnecessary.

@AutiAngst Have you got a copy of your tenancy agreement?

Anon517 · 30/04/2025 21:57

@AutiAngst I really do feel you with this and this could be describing me with the confrontation and seeing things in right/wrong. I have a terrible thing of feeling things are unjust yet wouldn't want to say because I can’t cope with the confrontation.

Would you possibly feel brave enough to write a short note (if you struggle to be concise maybe someone on here could help) and then post it through his door? You could explain that you feel uncomfortable to say it face to face or something because I think some people would wonder why you didn’t just speak to them personally.

Manxexile · 30/04/2025 22:02

@AutiAngst - "... Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between... "

Apologies if this has already been asked and answered, but has this re-arrangement of the original garden been formally and legally reflected in the title deeds or leases or tenancy agreements or whatever?

Is it possible that other residients in the block are unaware it is no longer a communal space?

fgwcam · 30/04/2025 22:02

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 20:51

He has been told!! he was told when he was using her garden to play football in

OP says "I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer."

She asked him to move the goal nets because the gardener was due.
She didn't say, "please move the goal nets because the garden isn't communal, this bit here is mine, yours is over there".
So no, he hasn't been told.

ttcat37 · 30/04/2025 22:04

Can you get a gate, and lock it? A little sign that says “private garden flat 35” or whatever number you are.

HolidayHattie · 30/04/2025 22:05

He is a total cheeky fucker and you are not unreasonable to be upset about it. Maybe a note through his door saying he should use his own garden.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/04/2025 22:12

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

I was going to say that.

LoneAloneHere · 30/04/2025 22:16

I know people hate letters, can you pop a note into all the neighbours doors?

Can you afford someone to come and build a higher fence so he can’t access your garden, if that’s allowed ?

Goodness I wish we could all write him a note and ask him nicely to stop.