To be upset at my neighbour using my garden area?

[AutiAngst]

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

@AutiAngst this is a good suggestion - do you think you could manage this?

I’m also autistic and had to smile at your description of very black/white thinking and sense of justice - I can relate! Honestly fuming on your behalf 😂

I would probably put a note through his door and put a fence/locked gate up as @ttcat37 suggests. I do wonder if he perhaps doesn’t realise the communal garden has been portioned off though? A note might be all it takes but the fence/gate will prevent any future misunderstandings with other residents.

Do let us know how you get on? 💐

ps - ignore the snarky replies, no one is forcing anyone to read your post 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

If you have a gate I’d consider putting a padlock or bolt on it to stop him entering your garden. If the fence is low and he is just lifting over the airer I’d lift it back over his side.

It doesn't matter that 'trespass' is civil, its an elderly lady who has already asked her much younger male neighbour to stop coming onto her property and he is ignoring her. That is intimidation and the police will definitely be interested. Say how upset and worried you are, that youve tried to talk to him and told him its private property and he is ignoring you and you are scared of getting into conflict with him - all true. If you have a community warden its a perfect job for them. They go have a quiet word and job done. But if its not done, and the CF continues with his harassment of his elderly neighbour, then it becomes a criminal matter anyway.

Either speak to him or put a note through his door. He probably won't even think of it as a confrontation. Keep it brief, and just say which area of garden is his. (He may have forgotten. He may have thought you just wanted his goalposts moved before because your gardener was coming.)

However, if the decision to split the garden area was just agreed amongst the residents then the title deeds probably still show a communal garden and any tenancy agreements will be the same.

This

PLEASE find it in you to 'just have a quiet little word'. It's not confrontational at all to say "Darren, has no-one bothered to let you know that the gardens have been sectioned off, and you actually have your very own small space to use? Yes, just like this bit here is mine, that over there belongs to etc." Do it in a very friendly, I'm an idiot, I assumed you knew, good god, so sorry no one said anything, well isn't that a lovely surprise, kind of way! He may NOT know. And if you explain how you've struggled, he may even be able to help you with yours. I'm upset FOR you now - I know how important our little outside spaces are; for our head, for our heart, for our soul. Please ensure you reclaim your space!

I would remove the washing and collapse the airer, move it all out of your area.

If you want a less aggro way, drag t9 the side and post a note on it that it’s in the wrong space and will be removed in future.

Do you really think that he hasn't wondered whose the rest of the (overgrown, unused) gardens are? He's never sighed - or mentioned to any of the other neighbours - that it's a great shame that he doesn't also have a garden; only to be told/realise that he does have a garden of his own, if only he can get his arse into gear to clear it?

He's clearly an 'assertive' character, who doesn't ask questions and just assumes to his own advantage, so even if he didn't realise that one of the unused gardens was his, why wouldn't he just clear one himself and then use it - like he is doing with OP's garden - on the basis that, if anybody ever has a problem with it at any time, they can just tell him and he can say that he assumed it was all communal, like he's already done with the garden that obviously has been cleared and is in use?

He isn't confused at all; he's just a lazy CF wanting to coast on the back of the efforts of a considerably older, health-compromised woman and either hope she won't notice (which she clearly will and has) or otherwise bluster, bully and insist to her that he should still somehow have the right to use it anyway.

You've done very well to remain calm and think this through. I'm very territorial and would probably have chucked his airer onto the street in a strop.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he wasn't told before that the flats each have their own small garden area. Tell him now in person, or with a note (so he can stay the heck out of your private space in future).

Just put a polite note through his letter box. Explain that this is your garden and that he need to use his in future.

First of all, it is NOT petty; you are paying the rent for that little piece of land. Second, make his clothes disappear so he has to find you the retrieve them. Hand him a letter with his clothes, so that you don't have to talk to him, then you can just close the door. Or leave the clothes and the letter outside your door or in the lobby or in front of his door. Dear Neighbor, 1) it is difficult for me to speak to people which is why I have written you a letter, 2) this my garden, and I pay the rent for it, 3) you have your own little garden, it is located describe where_, 4) this is my patio, I installed it, so it is not communal, 5) no permission has been given for your use of my patio or garden, so please respect this, Thank you, your name

Agree that as you struggle with face to face communication under pressure, a note through his door is the way to go. Like the idea of including a little picture/diagram showing which is his garden.

He is an utterly cheeky fucker. He waited until you had cleared it to use it. Not cleared himself or offered to help. It must be bloody obvious it is YOUR area.

I would write a note saying what you need and put it through his door. DO NOT apologise - just say - this is MY private garden please do not use it again. Your garden is X

How rude. It was a perfectly clearly written OP.

In what world is such polite language 'conflict'?

OP, you have answered a few posts but if you want anyone to say anything useful at all you have to answer the questions of ownership.

Are you all owners, all renters, or a mixture, and if so what?
What was the nature of the agreement to split the gardens? If it was only an informal agreement between previous tenants, and you are all tenants, it may not have any standing at all.

"2) this my garden, and I pay the rent for it"

I mean, you don't know any of this to be true. It is perfectly possible, from what the OP has said so far, that they both pay the same landlord, the leases say the garden is communal and this is what the landlord has told him. It's also possible she owns the garden and it's marked on her deeds. We just don't know yet.

This. I am ND and feel your anger at the annoyance and unfairness. I live in a similar set up. A polite letter through the door or even attached to his dryer, then you don't have to worry about speaking to him. If he's a tenant and not a home owner he might not realise.

You don’t have to be brave to stick a note through his door telling him that you are clearing your patio for your use and he needs to stay off it.

You really should have collapsed the dryer and propped it against his wall, but just put s note through.

If you categorically own your garden - it's on the lease or on the deed (no idea if you rent or own) which it sounds is the case based on the fences you describe, then you must stand up for yourself and your peace. If you don't, you may as well simply accept that you've allowed him to take over the garden, expect to see him, his friends, and his underpants outside your windows daily through summer and put it out of your mind as the option you chose to avoid conflict. If that's what you want to do, that's fair enough and your decision considering your circumstances.

Alternatively - write a letter, take a photo of it on your phone so you have time and date evidence and put it through his door if you don't want to speak to him face to face. And take a photo every time something shows up in your garden.

I'd also suggest rather than wrestling with heavy items just take the washing off, wet or not, and pile it and deposit in his garden. It sounds as though you have been facilitating and assisting him drying his laundry at physical detriment to yourself. Providing him with a wet pile of clothes would be more sensible and impactful and might make him less inclined to use your space.

Because you don’t like confrontation, I would write stating that your garden is not communal and you are politely requesting that he respects your space and right to privacy. Advise him that you have sole use of this garden and will not be liable for damage to property he chooses to leave in your space.

Make sure you keep a dated copy of this letter in case he continues to be a space invader.

When we are conflict adverse, Op, we can become overly worried about asserting our own boundaries. We may experience other people’s assertions as evidence that they feel negatively towards us, or something that we have done. Therefore, we imagine a similar thing playing out when we need to have a word with someone, about something that feels important.

Similarly, some of us find it difficult to separate ‘what we know’ from what others may or may not know. This can lead us to feeling resentful or annoyed about something that may be a genuine mistake. For example, it is not clear if your neighbour knows for certain that the garden areas have been allocated.

In reality (as you can see from the responses on this thread) trusting people with the truth and offering them information is a kindness and empowers them to make full use of their new information. In this case, it will also mean he is more able to respect your private space and ease your distress.

As others have said, you can speak to him using kind and helpful words:

“Hi Bob, I have been trying to clear my patio, after a spell of ill health, and I’ve noticed you have been making the most of the sunshine [this is factual and helps his to understand it has been taxing on you].

Then I realised you might not be aware that you have your very own garden area, just there. I’m so sorry I didn’t mentioned it sooner, I presumed you knew that each space was privately allocated.
[This shows concern for him, acknowledging that he may not have known, gives him
wiggle room to redeem himself if he did know. It also re-highlights that this is your private space].

Does your son like growing things? I saw packs of sunflower seeds in the supermarket the other day.” [A helpful bit of information which connects him to his space, and allows him/his son to feel though of].

Good luck, remember information is power. How very kind of you to offer this to your neighbour.

He's a cheeky fucker. You're not being unreasonable, and I totally understand your angst. Is there a possibility you could buy/put some stuff of your own there so he can't just come and use that space? Maybe table and a few chairs. garden containers or a bit of garden ornamentation?

Also, sorry if I missed it, is your garden fenced or partitioned off in some way or is it all open? Could this be done or altered as a way to stop him just sauntering in and plonking his stuff?

@AutiAngst if the areas are fenced off then buy a chain and padlock!

I’d pop a note on the dryer and just say tried to knock but no answer (if you know he’s out!) so looks like you didn’t go straight to note rather than face to face. Not sure if you were made aware when you moved in but the gardens aren’t communal, they are split into 4 this one is yours, thought you might want to know so you can use it how you wish