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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Young adults, rent, chores

93 replies

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:14

My ds is almost 22, he lives with me as does his gf, she's 21.

My 14 yr dd lives here too.

In a couple of months more dc will be coming back from living overseas but for now it's just us.

Ds and K have their own downstairs room, access to any food, utilities, bathrooms, shared shampoos etc. They each pay £150 per month. They both work p/t in hospitality.

Dd 14 is in school.

I work, often 8, 10, 13 hour shifts.

I have made a few house rules such as clean up after yourself.
Put recycling etc straight away into correct places.
Put rubbish out if bin is full etc.
Clean up after yourself in bathroom.
Nothing awful.

Today I have a split shift so 4 hours this morning, home for a while, back to work for 4 hours at 4pm.

I came home to last night's pots and pans still dirty ( we have a dishwasher ),
Rubbish bin completely overflowing,
Bathroom light on.....
And, the fucking tumble dryer on. It's a million degrees outside and we have a washing line.

I feel disrespected and it's making me sad. I've had the same conversations over and over again but I'm just moaning.

How do I ensure young adults follow the very few house rules that I have.

I've just spent £45k renovating the house, new bathrooms, kitchen, utility, their room and they just don't seem to care.

It's very depressing

OP posts:

justkeepswimingswiming · 30/04/2025 12:16

Tell them both to get full time jobs and that it’s time to move out.

Original poster

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:19

justkeepswimingswiming · 30/04/2025 12:16

Tell them both to get full time jobs and that it’s time to move out.

I do keep telling them to get full time jobs but they just don't.

OP posts:

Twiglets1 · 30/04/2025 12:23

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:19

I do keep telling them to get full time jobs but they just don't.

Show quote history

They are taking the piss.

There is no reason you should be allowing your son's gf to live with you if she isn't pulling her weight. I would be talking to him privately about it saying the existing arrangement isn't working for you.

witheringrowan · 30/04/2025 12:24

Put the rent up and make them pay a share of any utility bills.

Hollietree · 30/04/2025 12:25

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:19

I do keep telling them to get full time jobs but they just don't.

Show quote history

Ultimatum time.

“Son and GF you are on a great deal here - only paying £150pm each. Either follow my very reasonable house rules and show some respect, starting today……Or I will be giving you 6 weeks notice that you need to move out and find your own place (that will cost you much much more than you are currently paying).”

annaspanner18 · 30/04/2025 12:25

@BrunocatmonI would read them the riot act. Like get angry. They need to properly hear it.

Tell them that you are not their housekeeper, they need to pull their weight and be respectful of the space and resources. They are adults and need to behave like it.

OhHellolittleone · 30/04/2025 12:26

Unless they’re studying or are unwell they have no business being part time!! If anything at that age many people have a full time job AND a part time job or they study and work in order to build a pot for their future (or a pot to spend on festivals and travel… which I don’t disagree with!)

Hoohaz · 30/04/2025 12:41

Put a note on the tumble dryer (or unplu it if the plug is accessible?) to say "using the tumble dryer costs £5 a go. The washing line is free"

As @witheringrowan says, I think you need to put the rent up. They are paying £5/day for rent, bills and food? It would cost them more to get a meal deal in some places!

At 21 they are adults. I think you need to have a sit down chat with DS in his own and find out what his long term plan is. Does he want to get a job? Train? Go to uni? Travel? Do an apprenticeship? Tell him to pull his finger out and start his life instead of bobbing along rudderless, tell him to buy his own food, start budgeting and stop living beyond his means and taking advantage of your generosity.

Rota of chores for the 3 of them.

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 30/04/2025 12:41

It's time DS & his partner had a wake-up call. At the moment, as you say, all you do is moan & they don't listen. I suggest that you find out how much the average rent is for a 1 bed flat in your area, get your utilities bills, food, insurance etc out & show them how much it would cost them to live on their own in a 1 bed flat (preferably one with a garden as they have the benefit of your's), then say that you need them to pay 1/3rd of what it costs you to have them living with you or, if they haven't found a way to do that by <pick a date - I would suggest 2 month's time> they will need to move out. It may come down to you packing their stuff into bin bags, taking partner's stuff to her family's home & removing all furniture from the room that they use so there is no-where for them to sleep.

I know how difficult this could be for you to do, but they're adults & you're not helping them by giving them cheap lodgings & the services of a full-time housekeeper (you!). I had the same situation & did exactly this. The black bags & empty room certainly focussed their minds & both managed to convert their part-time hours to full-time (they were both in hospitality) within a week. Meanwhile they stayed with friends as GF's parents were afraid, if they allowed DS to stay with them, they would find themselves in the same situation as I was in. Once they got their first full-time pay & paid me the rent that we'd agreed to, I allowed DS to get the bedroom furniture out of storage & made him pay for the storage unit at the same time. However, I wouldn't allow DS's GF to live with us anymore & agreed that she could stay 2 nights a week.

Original poster

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:42

Twiglets1 · 30/04/2025 12:23

They are taking the piss.

Show quote history

She came home with him when he moved back home from living overseas for 18 months.

To be fair he did ask if she could, obviously didn't just rock up but they absolutely don't pull their weight.

He's very defensive if I moan at them, and each of them are quick to blame the other about " that wasn't me, that was ds, K

OP posts:

Original poster

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:46

I have read the riot act on several occasions but since there's no consequences, it continues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:46

Hoohaz · 30/04/2025 12:41

Put a note on the tumble dryer (or unplu it if the plug is accessible?) to say "using the tumble dryer costs £5 a go. The washing line is free"

As @witheringrowan says, I think you need to put the rent up. They are paying £5/day for rent, bills and food? It would cost them more to get a meal deal in some places!

Rota of chores for the 3 of them.

£5 a day. Gosh I'd never thought of it like that.

OP posts:

Toootss · 30/04/2025 12:48

Threaten to change the locks - this is so unfair, selfish and lazy -I would want them out.
conversations and threats won’t work. Where are GFs family -send them there.
I mean do you ever plan to retire cos you’re subsidising them with money that you could be putting to a comfortable retirement.

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 12:48

I dont allow boyfriends or girlfriends at all. Course I also don't charge rent.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/04/2025 12:52

£150 doesn't seem enough.

Dryer needs to be out if bounds unless its raining.
Tell them if things don't change they will have to find a place where they can live by their own rules - no more warnings!

OoLaOoLa · 30/04/2025 12:54

Put the rent up, hopefully this forces your son to get a full time job.
I have a son the same age who lives at home.. works full time and does his own cooking/washing ect but I would not let a girlfriend move in unless it was with a plan of say 6months to save a deposit to move out. Tell your son the girlfriend living with you doesn’t work anymore and she has to find somewhere else to live.

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 12:55

Yes put the rent up, and chuck the GF out.

ToadRage · 30/04/2025 12:56

You could threaten them with what my Mum's friend did and say with three working adults living in the house the entire running costs if the house will now be spilt equally three ways. With the threat of losing their sweet deal and having to pay a lot more hopefully they will look for a full-time/better paying job or they will be quicker about moving out. I can't believe you allow your son's girlfriend to live with you, neither my parents nor my in-laws would have allowed this, we were together 5 years before we lived together in place of our own. Unless he doesn't have any send her back to her own parents!

PhilippaGeorgiou · 30/04/2025 12:58

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 12:19

I do keep telling them to get full time jobs but they just don't.

Show quote history

They will if you tell them it's time to move out. Set a reasonable timescale - say 2 months, and if they haven't gone by then you will be putting their things in the garden and changing the locks. And in the meantime, the rent is too low.

VanCleefArpels · 30/04/2025 12:58

Make a spreadsheet of all household costs - utilities, broadband, TV licence, Netflix etc, council tax, cleaning products, loo roll, food (if you feed them), garden maintenance. The LOT

Divide the total by 3

Bill each other adult for 1/3 each

I wager everything I own it will be more than £150.

Give them options. Either they stick religiously to your house rules or they move out and become responsible for all those costs.

BMW6 · 30/04/2025 13:01

Tell them you've had it with them taking the piss and they have 1 month to get out. No ifs, no buts.

They're both adults so it's time to start behaving as adults. They need to stand on their own feet and clear up their own mess.

greeeeen9 · 30/04/2025 13:03

This would drive me crazy. But I KNOW I was useless when I was late teens/ early twenties. I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back, I wince a bit. I don’t think I understood stuff like electricity bills / bad for the climate (when it comes to the dryer) and I am sure I was bad at taking out bins and cleaning bathrooms. My parents taught me absolutely nothing. I didn’t even carry my dirty plate from the table to the dishwasher. Apparently, happier adults were given chores as a kid. My mother was an obsessive cleaner and tidier and probably figured I’d just do it wrong so she did everything.

When I moved into my own place, I figured cleaning and tidying out and became a neat freak. I do worry that I do too much for my own children and that they need to learn.

I think you need to say to them, if you can’t keep this clean / respected, you have to go.

almostbloody50 · 30/04/2025 13:04

I have a similar issue loooming so watching with interest. I’m hopeful my 21 year old will move out soon but my 18 and his GF are now making noises about full time work, uni or other plans so if they think they can doss about I’m armed with the contents of this thread.

The GF moving in without a job and transport is not something I’m welcoming, so rent and deadlines are great.

Original poster

Brunocatmon · 30/04/2025 13:04

Gf is Irish, she came back with him when he returned home after living over there for 18 months. She has no family here.

OP posts:

GoodCharl · 30/04/2025 13:06

Why do they only work part time?

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