Young adults, rent, chores

[Brunocatmon]

My ds is almost 22, he lives with me as does his gf, she's 21.

My 14 yr dd lives here too.

In a couple of months more dc will be coming back from living overseas but for now it's just us.

Ds and K have their own downstairs room, access to any food, utilities, bathrooms, shared shampoos etc. They each pay £150 per month. They both work p/t in hospitality.

Dd 14 is in school.

I work, often 8, 10, 13 hour shifts.

I have made a few house rules such as clean up after yourself.
Put recycling etc straight away into correct places.
Put rubbish out if bin is full etc.
Clean up after yourself in bathroom.
Nothing awful.

Today I have a split shift so 4 hours this morning, home for a while, back to work for 4 hours at 4pm.

I came home to last night's pots and pans still dirty ( we have a dishwasher ),
Rubbish bin completely overflowing,
Bathroom light on.....
And, the fucking tumble dryer on. It's a million degrees outside and we have a washing line.

I feel disrespected and it's making me sad. I've had the same conversations over and over again but I'm just moaning.

How do I ensure young adults follow the very few house rules that I have.

I've just spent £45k renovating the house, new bathrooms, kitchen, utility, their room and they just don't seem to care.

It's very depressing

But so what? Thats her problem. My DS is dating a Chinese international student with no family here, but no way will I allow her to move in and he knows better than to ask. She can look on Spare Room like all the other students.

Because they say they can't find full time work.

Ds has workied in hospitality since he was 16. It's all he knows. He did ask his father to help him get into his ( fathers ) company in some capacity ( as he has my dd 20, ds sister, ) but nothing comes of it. They have a strained relationship.

K, ( gf) has social anxiety and has left several jobs in the almost 2 years that she's been here. She's had full time jobs in lidl, tesco, aldis, but something will make her cry and she'll just never go back. She works at the same place ds works at, different hours. I try to be sympathetic of her panic attacks, but I can't fix that for her.

I'd be giving them 30 days notice to vacate.

I wouldn't have allowed the gf to move in to begin with. If they want to live together, they get their own place. It's ridiculous that you're subsidizing and cleaning up after these two lazy, disrespectful assholes. They leave your place trashed, I'd be furious and they would be cleaning up their mess right then.

I've had adult kids living at home. They did much of the housework, and ran errands and were a big help. I have one still here who is working and going to school and she does her share. They were raised to pull their weight.

The girlfriend isn't your problem, lock your stuff away since they choose to not respect it, they don't get to use it. Pans etc.
Change the WiFi password. They can access it once they've behaved as functional adults for 2 weeks consistently, without needing any reminders on how to function.
They don't pay enough to be provided with food, so they'll have to sort this themselves. They have plenty of free time, so there's no issue for them to do this.

K, ( gf) has social anxiety and has left several jobs in the almost 2 years that she's been here. She's had full time jobs in lidl, tesco, aldis, but something will make her cry and she'll just never go back. She works at the same place ds works at, different hours. I try to be sympathetic of her panic attacks, but I can't fix that for her.

No, it's not your job to fix her social anxiety for her. You may suggest that she has counselling & point her in the right direction of local services. However, I wonder if she's a bit of a drama queen & has learned that if she cries people back off?

Why are you frightened of telling them to sling their hook?

If you're not frightened, just do it.

If you're not frightened and you won't tell them to sling their hook, then what are you getting out of it that makes you pull back?

It must be something.

This!!! I know someone exactly the same. Never stays in a job for a number of completely ridiculous reasons but lives completely FOC at their parents house.

I imagine if they were kicked out and made to stand on their own two feet, they wouldn't be quite so quick to walk out of a job....

Why are there no consequences?

"Because they say they can't find full time work."

Then they find multiple part time jobs.

Her social anxiety is her problem to deal with. You have a 14 year old watching this shit show and learning from it.

They are being massively disrespectful. I had to move back in with my parents & boyfriend when we returned from abroad and were saving for visas, wedding and house all at once.
We paid similar small rent but we also bought and cooked food for the family, regularly cleaned up, did the dishwasher, helped with things that were needed around the house like watering plants, putting towel loads in the laundry. We both also worked full time jobs and saved like mad, didn't go out to eat or anything like that, so that we could move out as soon as possible.

If they have wifi removed they cannot then seek work!

I do think growing up takes years these days. Not sure if it is keeping them back still living at home but most have no choice. It seems to render them incompetent.

Ds is 20 and has a very good work ethic but still gets in a muddle over the most basic of domestic duties. Changing the bedding for example.

I think at the very least a cleaning rota needs to be established and the girlfriend needs to move out. Just tell her you cannot afford to subsidise 2 adults and 1 is enough.

Get them to do the jobs in local chip shop/pub that nobody else wants. They can walk in with their CV and proact. Going in person could really help them plus sign up with several agencies online.

Rent needs to go up....I paid £200 20 years ago...at least £300 each. They need to rent own flat

Ds was badly bullied in secondary school, to the point of hospitalisation, police involvement. It was hideous. I was afraid to open his bedroom door in the mornings in case he'd decided he couldn't do it any more.

His father was monumentally unsupportive, telling ds he had to man up, and telling me I couldn't pull him out of school or change schools. Eventually I just did it behind his back but it's left a very angry young man who is in denial about what happened.

I'm trying to get him some therapy but he veers from wanting to go and completely denying he needs some support.

I do feel like I let him down even though I did my best at the time to get him out of the situation.

Having said that, he has a very entitled attitude sometimes, his father is very wealthy and takes ds and his brother on all expenses paid trips to all over the world, world cups etc.

I asked his father if they could go and live there but he said no.

What consequences do I give adults?

You're not helping them by enabling their uselessness. Introduce them to the concept of "adulting". Tell them it's what people do when they are no longer children. Then give them notice to move out.

Tell them their options are:

Get a house share
Move in with the girlfriend's family and see how long they put up with this shit
Present as homeless to the council

Alternatively they can pay you the going rate for living in a fucking hotel as that's how they've been treating your house.

They are currently "playing house" in your home, as though they're an adult couple who actually take responsibility for their own lives.

CFs the pair of them.

Because he's her son - I totally understand why she hasn't kicked them out to potentially live on the streets (or that's probably what she's thinking). However, as I've said they're both adults & it's time that they stood on their own 4 feet. I'm sure that they have friends who they can sponge off until they run out of friends.

The GF's social anxiety is not your problem. She can sort it on her own, and on her own dime. I see so many parents emotionally blackmailed into allowing partners to stay, and they can never get them out! You can put up with stuff in your children that you can't in others ( not that you should).

Telling them you will raise the rent to cover employing a cleaner if they don’t help out more around the house.

I do understand why you are anxious about your son’s happiness given the background though & why you are probably happy he has a gf.

Sometimes I think drama queen but I hesitate to invalidate a real issue you know.

She goes on tiktok lives every day and people gift her ( my other dd calls this modern day begging )

At the very least, the GF has to move out. Totally not your responsibility to be housing her.

Your DS is an adult. If he won't go to therapy, it's not your fault and you haven't let him down. You didn't bully him.

The consequences are: pay a reasonable amount for living in your home or find somewhere else to live. They are adults & taking you for a mug &, (sorry to be blunt) you are allowing them to do this.

PS I would make them buy their own toiletries or buy the cheapest shampoo & shower gel that you can find for them to use & keep the decent stuff carefully hidden in your room for yourself. I'd also buy the cheapest loo roll for them - shame Izal not available anymore. For those who didn't experience 1970's school toilets - that was like greaseproof paper. 😂

Well, that's fair enough. Your pay off is that you feel you are keeping him safe.

So. if he and his girlfriend continue to act like this and take no notice of you, you will have to remind yourself that you do have a pay off.

Sometimes it is easier to accept if you work out what your pay off is-why you continue to do something.

Personally, this pay off would not be enough for me and I would be following up my threats with consequences but we all different.

Um, stating the obvious but, that they have to move out???

Ugh, I'm generally not a fan of charging (adult) children rent but if they were taking the piss like these 2 I'd be increasing it.

I'd frame it as "since you are creating so much mess and work I'm going to have to hire a cleaner, it's going to cost £xxx a month and I'll be billing you for it, or you can feel free to pull your weight" then I'd give them 4 weeks to get it together. If they don't I'd do exactly that. I'd also be expecting them to be working full time!