To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

YABU but I can also see your point, I think for the sake of your grandad and mum I would help.

No, it’s because we can only control our own actions not others. If you’ll only help when others equally are helping then just go right ahead and admit you’re selfish and you just want an excuse not to help.

If everyone thought like OP and her step dad we wouldn’t have volunteers, Foodbanks, the nhs etc. We can’t wait for other people to stop being selfish dicks before we step up and care, step up and do our own part. It’s selfish thinking like this that means we have egomaniacs like Trump elected because people start voting on an individual rather than community basis.

Agree.

I was 32 helping my mum with end of life care. It was during covid so there was no support from carers until her final 3 days. She was at home also. I'm lucky I had aunts and my dad and brothers to help and support me. I would help any family member or friend in a similar situation.

I've just realised that women are treated as a special caste - like the Dalits ("untouchables") in the bad old days of the Indian caste system: they're the ones expected to clear up the shit - it's just their "natural" role !

You’re just realising that women are expected to take on the bulk of caring responsibilities in society? Where have you been?

So if others say no you pick up the slack? Would you not say to family that a carer should be paid for. Why does it fall to women to do this difficult work. Have you ever come across women watching tv whilst the men wiped backsides and cleaned up and made meals? There are many threads here about family not helping and an op having to do it all. The op gets kindness but not much on this thread.

I think you are helping if you can light a fire under your step dad and other relatives and get them to step up more.

Having helped care for a much loved, double incontinent relative, I can honestly say that those on the front lines don’t have the emotional bandwidth to recruit help and support. Just asking, was stretching resources and being refused added hugely to the burden.

It’s not unreasonable to say no, just be careful how you say it. And if you can direct your available energy to finding more support for your dm, that’s actually a good thing,

In many families yes, but this isn’t the time to make a point about societal gender expectations. You only get one chance to be there for someone at the end of their life (presuming OP and her grandad were close) - it’s not the time to make a point on principle. This is end of life care. My husband is doing the same right now sadly - and doing the care because it’s his family and he cares (not waiting for a woman to step up).

If you can't help, make sure you get her the help she needs.

By the sounds of it, he's on palliative care, just speak to the nurses. There is a solution to this.

As for anyone criticising, it's not easy watching a loved one die... OP probably has a multitude of emotions, so no need to be harsh!

If you can't help, make sure you get her the help she needs.

By the sounds of it, he's on palliative care, just speak to the nurses. There is a solution to this.

As for anyone criticising, it's not easy watching a loved one die... OP probably has a multitude of emotions, so no need to be harsh!

Wrong, read OP's posts, she HAS been helping her! She says she can no longer do it.

Since she has been helping, she IS in a position because her SD hasn't helped AT...ALL!!

This.

You are making a stand but you are hurting no one other than your mum. If others wanted to hell they would and now you’ve joined them.

If a carer is affordable then I would also suggest that, yes but would help in the meantime while arrangements for a carer were made.

However OP didn’t suggest a paid carer - she refused to help on the basis that others weren’t helping so my response was to that reason.

I guess it’s classed as women’s work hey? No reason that this should fall on op. Her step dad should be helping out

To be fair, he's not related to the grandparent so I can understand his reticence. And I speak as someone who has had to deal with my mils personal care. I've done it when there has been absolutely no other option. I'm not a stranger to giving personal care as I have a disabled adult daughter who is doubly incontinent but that's somehow different. I've been changing her nappies since she was a baby. I find cleaning up after an elderly non-relative a completely different kettle of fish.

No, but he is the husband of his wife. And so, hence should be helping her.

Read the OP's posts. She's not helping her anymore.

This, it’s your grandad. And your mum. Help them out.

Check through other threads where family refuse and the op is stuck. It’s easy for someone to say no. There is usually kindness. I’ve not seen the nasty replies like on here before. The op says no and perhaps her mum will tell her (the mum’s) dh to step up? I’ve suggested getting a carer that all family contribute towards. I would add that if there’s a power of attorney or if the grandfather is in mental capacity then the grandfather’s savings could be used for his care.

YABU - help your poor mum - and grandad

How many of those posting judgy comments have actually had to do this themselves? Especially if there are other family members who could take their turn but won’t?

Helping out with some care if possible is a good thing to do and OP’s done it. But I’m not surprised if she’s fed up now that no one else is helping. OP’s DM should be getting angry with this too now and either arranging carers and/or requesting that those who haven’t helped step up and take a turn.

I also wonder if the judgey replies would have been the same if not for the likely assumption that OP is a woman. I’m getting the impression there are gendered expectations in play within OP’s family too, and it’s not fair.

I care for my elderly mum who suffers from Alzheimer's and cancer. I would not dream of asking either of my children to help change any of my mum's soiled items.

No, Yanbu. Take no notice of the judgy comments. I bet my bottom dollar most have not been in this position. It's vile and hard bloody work, shame on any of them expecting their poor DC to do this when and if the time comes.

Right anymore. Which means she WAS HELPING to begin with. The SD didn't help at....all. At least OP did help at first. Something is better than nothing.

I sense backstory here