To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

I think people are being rather harsh on the OP. It depends what she might have going on in her own life.

It always seem to be a woman's job too.

Constantly helping prevents looking at the bigger picture and getting the grandad the help and support he needs.

Hope you are ok OP ❤

So you can recognize that your step Dad is a selfish shit, and then decided to replicate his actions, but think you doing it is tickety boo?

Your SD is a useless shit, and so are you. Get your finger out and help your mother for God’s sake.

Most women here think that caring is a woman’s job. All the without question and I’d help your mum show how men get away with avoiding the difficult side of life.

I can highly recommend large incontinence pads (or puppy pads). We put them underneath the top sheet on a toddlers beds and they absorb 99% of wee accidents. You can also order larger ones if the bed if really big.

Neither of you need to be changing bedsheets so often, these sheets will really help.

OP, you are entitled to choose how much you are involved.
Your step father is choosing to not be involved.
Has your mother siblings?
She must contact them.

Unfortunately in some families, it is only women who are considered for caring duties.

Screw that is my view.

I think that your step dad should help out. I would be saying so to him aswell. It's really unreasonable of him not to. I would also be telling any other family members who might be able to help out to get themselves moving.
But you don't have any control over his actions, you do have control over your own.

I've been in your mum's position and it's so much harder than people realise. Not only the physical work but the emotional burden it all brings with it.

So, I would still help her out. It sounds like he has little time left and she will have that to face soon aswell without feeling that everyone around her let her down when she needed them.

Feeling bad for you mum losing her dad while you & your step parent fight about sunbathing & who's not helping

Depends how much you care about your mum really. Has getting carers in been discussed?

@NimbleBee harsh responses on here. If you headed over to the Elderly Parents thread I think their would be kinder responses.

Women allow men to get away with it.

Women are made to feel bad whereas the stepdad doesn't care and is happy sunbathing. The mum would rather ask the daughter because she sees it as a woman's job also.

Not RTFT but ‘incontinence cleansing foam’ (in case they haven’t used it already). Good luck.

YANBU. I wouldn't do it. Changing someone's bedding like that is incredibly intimate and something many family would struggle with. Not to mention hard to stomach. Your mum is doing is, but she has chosen to, and that is her right. You have the ability to choose whether to or not. If nobody in the family did it, carers would have to step up. Don't let yourself be guilted into doing a caring job you never signed up for.

My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.

Contact the other family members and tell them your mother needs more help, it’s only for a few months so not long term care

Because SHE’S the one ASKING if SHE is being unreasonable for not helping.

I don’t think anyone is going to say the stepfather isn’t a selfish twat or the other family members. It still doesn’t make it ok to ignore the fact that a dying man and his daughter need help.

I can envisage this happening with my mum and brother and I soon when we care for my dad. My brother will be useless at any kind of practical care so I will step up and help because it’s my dad. I will also address it with my brother and expect him to perform a variety of other tasks to help. It doesn’t mean I believe it’s a ‘woman’s job’ like these idiots are frothing at the mouth about. It’s because it’s the RIGHT thing to do to ensure the people that need care actually get it.

Waiting for the drip feed.

I think it’s shameful not to help. I am a mum of three, twin toddlers and a baby, and if my Mum asked I would come running. And yes, I’ve been in a similar situation in the past when I worked full time and a Grandparent was in the last weeks of life. You step up and help your poor Mum.

Why on earth is your mum having to ask for help? With 2 able bodied adults in the house, why aren't you offering help without being asked?

Unless there is some almighty drip feed coming, I think If you are there and able to help then yes it’s unreasonable of you to say no, especially if it’s to try and prove some point about your step dad not helping out, he should be helping of course he should but he’s not and your mum is 70 and looking after her dying father, save the sniping and help her.

You are not shaming the man here.

Women are made to feel bad not men.

The OP has ALREADY been helping. She has DONE HER BIT.

Time for his family to do theirs. OP's shift is over!

YANBU, everybody is free to set their own boundaries.
I don’t understand why your mum is doing it herself to be honest, why not pay for carers? Regardless, she shouldn’t pressure you to do something just because she accepted to do
it herself.
Also, I would be more inclined to lend a hand if I felt that everybody was equally involved, definitely not if I am the only one expected to.

Refusing to help but judging others - what a saint you are.

Meanwhile, your mum still needs help. Your grandad still needs help. Think about what you can do to help and offer that, instead of moaning about what others aren’t doing to help. As right now, all you’re doing is adding to your mum’s emotional load without easing her physical load.

In your thinking - If your kids are girls you’ll soon have three housework helpers.

YABU - if everyone acts like you and your stepfather, the jobs don't cease to exist, they just get left to your mum.

Your not in a position to criticise your step father. Just like him, you're not helping her.