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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

667 replies

NimbleBee · 30/04/2025 09:30

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2025 12:34

I think you are not unreasonable to object to doing this, given that other family members are not stepping up and helping, @NimbleBee. It must be very galling to see someone napping in the sun while you are expected to help your mum with such a nasty job.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is exactly how women guilt other women while men get off scot free.

ruethewhirl · 30/04/2025 12:37

godmum56 · 30/04/2025 12:34

I sense backstory here

I don’t. I sense male family members thinking they don’t have to help became they are men.

CaraVann · 30/04/2025 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It absolutely does not make her selfish. Stop with the guilt tripping.

angieloumc · 30/04/2025 12:38

Wow I can’t believe you’re not helping your 70 year old mum. And he’s your grandad, very poor from
you.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 30/04/2025 12:38

Tourmalines · 30/04/2025 09:43

Your mother is 70 years old, her father is dying, she’s changing his bedsheets and she asked you for help and you said no , shame on you.

I am so very much hoping that The OP isn't true. It's hard to believe that a child / grandchild could be so selfish. Leaving her mother and (retired, elderly, just as old or older?) step dad to do it when it takes but minutes for a younger, healthy adult to do it.

She'll be complaining about the lack of an inheritance next...

abracadabra1980 · 30/04/2025 12:38

I would have helped my mum, and lambasted my stepdad. These things are nearly ALWAYS left to women.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 12:39

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:35

This is exactly how women guilt other women while men get off scot free.

Show quote history

Exactly - Imagine if you helped out all your life whilst the men watched tv … but you only have son’s and they think it not their place to help you when you need this? It’s women’s work!

FlakyCritic · 30/04/2025 12:40

PhilippaGeorgiou · 30/04/2025 12:38

I am so very much hoping that The OP isn't true. It's hard to believe that a child / grandchild could be so selfish. Leaving her mother and (retired, elderly, just as old or older?) step dad to do it when it takes but minutes for a younger, healthy adult to do it.

She'll be complaining about the lack of an inheritance next...

Show quote history

The misogyny on this thread is disgusting. Her SD as a male and husband of his wife should be stepping up. Not giving the men in the family a free pass and expecting women to do it as it's 'womens work'.

OP has done her bit.

ruethewhirl · 30/04/2025 12:41

OP you might get some more balanced and less judgemental responses if you ask for this thread to be moved to Elderly Parents, even though it doesn’t concern a parent. I’m sorry you’re getting such an unwarranted pasting, just know that some of us have been there and get it.

Cosyblankets · 30/04/2025 12:41

I would be doing it for her or she would be helping me

OnlyLittleOldMe · 30/04/2025 12:41

The fact she hasn't responded to the question why is strange. Also it's not women's work there are lots of male carers in the profession. Especially in residential homes. The SD should help change the sheets especially if he is living in th same house.

Boopeedoop · 30/04/2025 12:42

I'm a carer. I wouldn't let my own worst enemy lay in their own piss and shit. Especially not on their deathbed.

PineappleChicken · 30/04/2025 12:42

Those advocating to punish a dying man and his daughter by refusing to help change a bed just because someone else isn’t doing it too are disgusting. This desperate need to assert some kind of misplaced feminism and bring up gender stereotypes is horrible. Literally nobody is saying it’s ’women’s work’ except you! You’re projecting those assumptions onto every single post.
Yes, everybody should help. Yes, others should step up. Yes, that needs to be addressed. But as already said, this doesn’t excuse refusing to help because someone else isn’t. It’s just showing a complete lack of compassion. They are ALL being selfish.
The only ones that aren’t are the mum and the dying grandfather.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:43

PhilippaGeorgiou · 30/04/2025 12:38

I am so very much hoping that The OP isn't true. It's hard to believe that a child / grandchild could be so selfish. Leaving her mother and (retired, elderly, just as old or older?) step dad to do it when it takes but minutes for a younger, healthy adult to do it.

She'll be complaining about the lack of an inheritance next...

Show quote history

This is how women blame other women while the men in this situation are left to get on with their lives.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:44

OnlyLittleOldMe · 30/04/2025 12:41

The fact she hasn't responded to the question why is strange. Also it's not women's work there are lots of male carers in the profession. Especially in residential homes. The SD should help change the sheets especially if he is living in th same house.

It is women's work.

Here you go:

https://www.carersuk.org/press-releases/international-women-s-day-2024-10-facts-about-women-who-are-unpaid-carers/

International Women’s Day 2024: 10 facts about women who are unpaid carers | Carers UK

https://www.carersuk.org/press-releases/international-women-s-day-2024-10-facts-about-women-who-are-unpaid-carers

CaraVann · 30/04/2025 12:45

All of those judging op.

Have you actually been in this position yourselves and did you recruit your dc to help clean up soiled items? And you were happy to expect your DC to do this?

MyLittleNest · 30/04/2025 12:45

Have you told your mother that she needs to ask her husband to help her? My read on this is that you feel that by always helping your mother, your SD gets a free pass to sun bathe in the garden, which isn't fair to you or to your mother. If the task is too much for her to do alone and her husband refuses to help, then I'd suggest offering an alternative before you leave her stranded. I am sure this is all enormously stressful from her but she isn't in a position to just toss her hands up and walk away.

Tubs11 · 30/04/2025 12:46

Your stepdad is a dick but your mum is struggling and needs help so if you can do that and sort carers to come in that will help massively. Check what resources are available to him at the very least.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:46

PineappleChicken · 30/04/2025 12:42

Those advocating to punish a dying man and his daughter by refusing to help change a bed just because someone else isn’t doing it too are disgusting. This desperate need to assert some kind of misplaced feminism and bring up gender stereotypes is horrible. Literally nobody is saying it’s ’women’s work’ except you! You’re projecting those assumptions onto every single post.
Yes, everybody should help. Yes, others should step up. Yes, that needs to be addressed. But as already said, this doesn’t excuse refusing to help because someone else isn’t. It’s just showing a complete lack of compassion. They are ALL being selfish.
The only ones that aren’t are the mum and the dying grandfather.

It is not about punishing a dying man and his daughter.

By the daughter continuing to help keeps the burden on women while men get off scot free.

It is women's work:

https://www.carersuk.org/press-releases/international-women-s-day-2024-10-facts-about-women-who-are-unpaid-carers/

International Women’s Day 2024: 10 facts about women who are unpaid carers | Carers UK

https://www.carersuk.org/press-releases/international-women-s-day-2024-10-facts-about-women-who-are-unpaid-carers

speakout · 30/04/2025 12:46

It's absolutely OK to say no OP, don't feel guilty about that OP.

Your grandfather needs an urgent care assessment, but if family members are willing to do these jobs then care won't be offered.

I am a long term carer of two family members, but have lines drawn- no personal care, no dealing with body waste- I will only offer my care in emergency situations.

Women are often the ones trapped into caring roles within a family.
I may be organised and can do stuff doesn't mean to say I have to.

No need to feel guilty OP, step back, and if no other family member wants to help, then someone needs to call adult social services- I would suggest that isn't you!!

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:47

Boopeedoop · 30/04/2025 12:42

I'm a carer. I wouldn't let my own worst enemy lay in their own piss and shit. Especially not on their deathbed.

Perhaps you can pop round then?

NoNotTodayThanks · 30/04/2025 12:47

I completely get where you're coming from but if my mum needed help and my grandad was going to suffer if I didn't help then yes I would change his bed for him.

MrsSlocombesCat · 30/04/2025 12:48

I think a lot of people are being unduly harsh on you OP. I don't like dealing with anything continence related and I was worried sick when my late father was living with me in case I would have to clean him up at any point. Nobody should have to deal with the personal care of their parents, its traumatic. Worse still with grandparents. It would be better for you and your mum to get him carers who can deal with it, or a care home. Some people can deal with it, but others like me just can't. I had to clean up after my mum once and it was just awful, I still think about it to this day, it affected me so much. Get your mum to contact Age UK, they should be able to advise you on any help you can get.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:49

For those who keep saying it is not women's work:

60% of UK carers are women

In England, women aged between 55 to 59 years provided the most unpaid care (19.9%) and women were more likely to provide unpaid care than men in every age group up to 75 - 79 years, (2021 Census).

https://www.carersfirst.org.uk/news-and-stories/women-and-unpaid-care/