To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

Exactly. The misogyny on this thread is disgusting.

The OP is young and either working or studying or raising children.

The one who should be helping is the retired man lying on his arse in the sunny garden.

I suppose this is why men get away with not doing the work of caring. Leave it to the women to clean up as they will jump to it without question.

What is your reason for not helping?

Absolutely not but if her mum isn't getting any help then I'd step up and I'd be dealing with the useless man later.
The comfort of the patient comes first.

You should have carers helping too. My father died recently and was double incontinent.

Your poor grandfather can't help it. He wont want to be a burden and probably feels absolutely awful to be in this position. He has no or little dignity left.

I suggest that you are as supportive as possible. If it was my father or grandfather I would want him to feel as loved as possible and would not want to make him feel like a burden.

Your mother is clearly under a lot of pressure and is possibly even grieving his death or loss now as the man who was her father is no longer what he once was.

It's a very sad situation and personally I would do anything to make my father feel comfortable and loved in his last days.

She has already explained. There is a lazy arse man sitting on his arse in the garden who should be helping his partner.

All of this. I have to provide this level of care for my DC and to be frank, I will never ever do it for anyone else, not even my own parents. Someone has suggested that it is just a 5 minute job...just advertising the fact that they have no idea at all what is involved.

The OP stated that her GdDad is at the end of life and that could take some months. The 'end of life' stage can be protracted over many months during which things steadily deteriorate, so no the care is not just for a short time.

The people on here berating the OP and calling her selfish are completely out of order. It is not as though she isn't helping, she said she has helped twice this week and that she can't do more, so why isn't that good enough for some posters? She may have family & other responsibilities of her own and may come back to explain that; though frankly, after the treatment she has had on this thread I wouldn't bother if I were her.

this.
you are not wrong, but your 70 year old mother needs support and help at this moment. help and then have the conversation.

There's no way I would have asked my daughter's to do this regarding their gran. They helped in other ways with emotional support which I loved.

Wouldn’t you organise a carer that the male family who refuse to help could pay for? They help with clearing up and washing or they pay someone to do this.

How often did your grandad look after you when you were younger?

It is not your step dad's place to be unhappy with you for not helping, but I do feel sorry for your mum. If neither you nor he help, what is she going to do? Are the council or a hospice involved?

Both of you should be helping.

If you read ops post it says she already is/has been helping.

No, because I think it’s the right thing to do regardless of who it is and who else is or isn’t stepping up. Other family members should help of course, but that doesn’t excuse the OP from stepping up to do the right thing imo.

I would use and refer to ‘incontinence pads’ when caring for my family member in the last few months of their life. My dad is about to go onto palliative care and there is no way I’ll be referring to things used for dogs for the man that has taken care of me my whole life.

YANBU Your mother is for not getting her husband to help, instead thinking it's 'womens work' so gets you.

If he's that bad why isn't he in a care home or getting carers in? Also why is he not wearing Depends? If he is incontinent put him in Depends then it would keep the mattress from being soiled. Also as an added extra protection, you can put down a disposable waterproof sanitary cover, like you get in hospitals, you can buy them at your local pharmacist. It's the same sterile undersheet that hospitals use to change cannulas and do other hygiene related tasks.

I have said I can not help no more.

Your AIBU question really depends on why you can not help any more OP.

Do you mean you aren’t able to help out or do you mean you will not ?

If you have good health, time, love your family, and have good intentions then I’m sure you would help out if you possibly could.

I would say that you would be unreasonable to put your foot down, and refuse to help out, for no good reason.

I voted ‘YABU’, but I would be the same as you. I wouldn’t want to help, and I would probably try and get out of helping.

unfortunately, it is really selfish though as your Mum must be having such a tough time trying to do everything.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to help though.

No. You don't have to do that just because you are a woman.

NHS will make an assessment about carers and they were disgusting with my father's end of life care, hospice was absolutely amazing but very hard to get a place there.

The council were also great but NHS were awful - they don't want to provide carers, they want to do as little as possible and it means elderly people being put in impossible situations. How can frail elderly people look after partners with incontinence and pain issues? They arent young and strong people any more themselves and the NHS expect them to look after dying relatives around the clock at home with minimal support.

Buy some Kylie sheets that slip under grandad then only that needs Washingborough the entire thing. However you are being unreasonable and frankly rather cold. Hope your mum want relying on you in her old age!

Personally, I would not allow my mum to struggle changing my grandads bedding at the end of his life? I would be there for my mum, but then I’m not selfish and I adore my mum and grandad.
There has been plenty times in my past when my family have cleaned up my shit be in physical excrement or just bailing me out of life’s dramas so I would see it has pay back.

Impossible to say as you have given zero context. Do you work and have no spare time? Are you disabled and it’s a genuine stretch for you to do such an activity? Do you have some fear of bedding/laundry? Do you have a fear of dying people? Do you dislike being with your mother?

So, who knows if YABU or YANBU?

I detest laundry, but once helped an aunt look after a dying grandparent and sucked up the laundry and the other domestic parts as I honestly thought it was such a privilege. There were many unpleasant aspects obviously but overall it was a good experience.

My late mother, who I helped last year, never asked any of her daughters to help with caring for my grandmother, I was mid 20s when granny died. She would never have done that.

Why are people saying the OP is being unreasonable and 'cold' and 'selfish'?

Why aren't they saying this about her STEPFATHER, her mother's husband? Or his OTHER family? Why only OP? Because she's a woman and you expect her as a woman to do this, and not men?