To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

Poor grandad. I wish mine was still here. I’d have done that for him without question. If your own family can’t help you then who can. Most of us will be elderly one day.

Your poor mum. 😔

It is not as simple as this. There are many family members not helping but the vitriol is aimed at OP.

Yes she should ask her sunbathing husband to ask instead of thinking it is just women's work.

Yes that's your choice.

The majority of carers burdened with care are women.

While the stepdad will have absolutely no interest in the inheritance im sure 🙄

It’s about personal responsibility, not using the “ men should be doing it” argument as a fig leaf. Yes men should be doing more in general , but refusing to help you mum change bedsheets for her dying father is just selfish .

This.

She’s said - there are other, nearer, people to share the load. She needs eff all reason to say no.

Yeah i wonder what happened to 50/50 oh sorry that only counts when its paying on a date. Men very happy for things to be 50/50 then.

It’s not something I would be prepared to do either

Loving all the resentful bitter commenters here attacking the (female) person who’s done it.

Oh the old ‘share the load’ comment. I had this off a relative. They had zero understanding or idea of what I have done for my parents and grandparents over the past 60 years. But they - she - felt it acceptable to tell me to - ‘share the load’. She had free childcare from her parents, my parents as well because she ‘didn’t want her kids in nursery’….read ‘my partner and I are too tight to pay and grandparents can do it for free’. I spent years listening to my own parents moaning about how inconvenient it was looking after said grandchildren. So glad I paid for nursery. No guilt for me now - yeah SIL - they shared the load for free so you could have a career and not pay for childcare. I didn’t. So perhaps ‘share the load’ has been a karma.

@NimbleBee it depends on your relationship with your grandfather. I love my mum hugely but hated my grandfather even more. I walked away and left DM to manage him because she wouldn’t involve carers and I couldn’t take his abuse any more. I would do anything for DM but I couldn’t let my grandfather destroy me and I couldn’t watch the way DM let him treat her. Would I change incontinence soiled sheets for DM if it was her? With love.

I'm not Scottish but want to reply with 'would ye, aye?' to all these posts from people adamant they'd have done the thing they didn't have to do.

@Wonderingwhyyy thanks for your input

I am willing to bet that whether or not you do it, your stepdad won't help. Just because he's a selfish, horrible prick is no reason not to help your mother. Have some compassion, and also (if they haven't already) contact your local District Nursing team to see what help is available.

I have done it, and I'd do it again if needed.

Yep. I am reminded of my family members who took chief mourner roles having moved hundreds of miles away and not ever helped

if you’ve not been in this position then you don’t know how you’d react and where your boundaries would be

Your mum is grieving as she watches her dad die. Others aren't helping her. She's asked you and you won't. Why not? Your poor mum and your poor grandad. He can't help what's happening to him. He probably doesn't want all and sundry having to change his bed after an accident, he could well be feeling embarrassed and you are making a song and dance.

I hope this thread has helped you to realise that you are being unkind.

The op has helped twice this week and can’t help any more and you say that this is unkind. There’s male family that have refused but you don’t say this is unkind. Always the woman who is complained at.

She has helped.

The stepdad is being unkind by bathing in the sunshine while all the care get dumped on women.

How often are men told they are unkind?

Pop round and help the grandad then.

I had to contact social work because a carer refused to help my dad bundle up Mum’s sheets and put them in the washing machine. Said carer was there to do Mum’s personal care.

Dad was an octogenarian with his own health challenges.

I found out when I checked in on them after work.

I also had a SW advising me just to throw out soiled sheets because they ‘can be purchased really cheaply in Asda’s’.

Same.