To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

The DM thinks it is women's work too hence asking her daughter rather than her sunbathing husband. He could do a lot to help that is not intimate care.

Your post is exactly the kind of guilt trip that is put on women and not men.

If the family members are not belong being vocal doesn't do anything.

They will just keep ignoring,

The answer is not for the DM who has taken on the care to then keep asking her dd to help and both of them are burdened with the care like so many women in the UK. Men just opt out a lot of the time.

How dare you. You don’t get to shame someone you don’t know because they don’t want to change shit covered sheets. The shame is on you here! You don’t know anything about them.

Yea she can if she wants to, or her daughter can stop being a brat and help her! I cared for my mother when she was dying, both of us didn’t want to use carers. Maybe grandad, and mum, has made that choice for himself as well. Lazy stepdad is an entirely different issue. I wouldn’t let a loved one of mine struggle just because someone else is a lazy selfish shit.

why aren't carers doing this?

I'm assuming that OP's mum has taken her dad into her home to do the caring and that OP doesn't live with them so needs to travel to help her mum. OP has helped her mum change the bed twice this week, but it is only Wednesday and I also assume that her mum's husband is sunbathing in the garden in the beautiful weather while his wife struggles.

You are 100% right about your step dad or any other iddle and capable family member not helping.
But... YABU not to help your mother and grandad. If you can, you should. You did not say why, like you wete at work, or shopping, or at the doctor's... so it sounds like you said no because you (rightly) think other family members can hwlp too.
The problem is tgat your mother is left alone to do the job. And your grandad is in discomfort for longer. So I would be there whenever possible. While keep banging on the other idiots need to help too.

What a horrible situation.

Perhaps you could do some of the sorting out to get carers in? That way you all get to be out of the situation. I expect your mother can’t see the woods for the trees so being practical in finding solutions would probably be appreciated.

Perhaps her husband has made it clear he won’t help so she knows nor to ask. Sounds like you feel the same - which is both your rights. I imagine your mother doesn’t feel she has a choice - help her by showing her the options.

Completely agree Blue. It's been an eye opening experience for me (elderly care) and I would categorically never put my children through that.

Perfectly put

How is she being a brat? How disgustingly judgemental. You don't know her personal circumstances. She has been helping,

Just because you cared for your dying mum doesn't mean everyone has to.

Yes, it’s a gross job and no-one is going to deny that. Just get yourself some disposable gloves and aprons if you’re worried about hygiene. You could even get masks. Please help out your mum, she’ll be so grateful.

Other idiots usually ignore and then women are guilted into caring. This is why the burden keeps falling on women because even other women are burdening them while the men are scot free.

Why are you not giving this advice to the stepdad?

This is exactly how women guilt other women in a way they never would to men.

The mum thinks it is women's work so while the husband sunbathes she gets another woman to help.

Yeah, I know. But you cannot leave your mum and grandad on their own in this case. It is not a matter of fighting for all women, but your own family. Exactly the same would apply to a male. OP did not mention if she has cousins, brothers or sisters living nearby, either.
This man, if he is capable, needs to get off his sunbed and give a hand. He most likely will not. Hopefully he can be put to other use, like shopping, cooking or similar.

I couldn’t give a flying fig if you think it’s ’disgustingly Judemental’. You’re welcome to your opinion just as I am to mine. My opinion is the Op is being a brat for not helping her mum when she’s asking for her support, just because her step dad isn’t. And that all the info we have to go off.

I don’t disagree with your sentiment, but there are time considerations that have to be factored in. Soiled sheets can’t wait whilst a family works through their inherent misogynistic role allocation, the dying GF can’t put his status on hold while the family bickers over who should do what, not ignoring the fact that the GF may have requested himself that only family does his personal care and they don’t have to cater to that if they don’t want to or are unable.

it may well annoy you, it does me too, but ultimately these things have to be done and if the (70yr old) mother makes herself ill there’s going to be double the workload/responsibility heading everyone’s way at a huge cost to the dying man and his daughter.

It is not just about fighting for all women.

It is about helping the women here not end up struggling with their own mental health as a result of caring which is very common.

The same doesn't end up applying to men - the majority of carers are women mostly because they are told things like what you said - you can't leave the mum and grandad on their own.

Men continue to get off scot free.

Your step father has no right to complain at you. He needs to keep his opinions to himself and help his wife if he thinks she needs it. There are plenty of 70 year olds that are still capable of working so maybe the Mum is fine.

I’m assuming there’s a backstory here and all the people saying they would help more are probably lucky enough to come from a close family. Not everyone does though and there could be perfectly valid reasons for OP not wanting to help more.

Yea….i’d help my mum. I couldn’t imagine not helping my mum.

Regardless of who was or wasn’t relaxing in the sun 🙄

YANBU.
My dad is my best friend, i'd do any personal care he needs for the rest of his life if we ever hit that stage. I would have done the same for my mum too had she not had dad (she passed at 48).
But i would not do these things for a grandparent. I only have my paternal grandad left, who is needing care, but i've had virtually no relationship with him my whole life. He has not treated my dad well either, they're hardly ever in contact. He has 4 other children he has cared about to help the carers care for him if need be.
It comes down to the relationship you have with people if you're willing to do such intimate and difficult tasks, there has to be mutual respect, love and care.

Has your DM claimed this for your elderly relative ?

It is not means tested

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Perhaps read the OP’s post before you write your nasty post. How horrid.